Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Dino Stories

Giant Dinosaur Story

Back in the olden days, dinosaurs were as plentiful as bears. In fact, the revolutionary war was not only fought between the British and the colonists of Northern America, it was also fought using French and Native Americans. This has little to do with the dinosaurs that were all over the place, but it's something to think about.

My Anti Drug Message to the Young People

It's been my experience that drugs are bad news. I've used drugs on several occasions and LOOK OUT – DINOSAUR!!!

The Patriot Act is Out of Line

As an American, I hold true the values of our country. From the Flag Day to the Labor Day, I'm always proud to hang stuff up in my yard. However, I don't feel it is necessary to instill fear and paranoia in our nation for the sake of – LOOK OUT - DINOSAUR!!!

The Lonely Island of the Last Dinosaur

Dinosaurs had been extinct for more than 50 years and on one lonely island, the last of their race was left. Which, when you think about it makes it so that they weren't quite extinct yet. However, seeing how the last dinosaur couldn't breed, extinction was in the air.
The last dinosaur stood proudly on a mountain top and watched as the sky burned from the meteor that had run afoul of the Earth, some 50 years beforehand. She reflected on her 50 years of isolation and thought to herself "Giving live birth and nursing would be disgusting."

Tony and the Pterodactyl

Tony was only two when he accidentally got into his father's time machine and blasted off into the past. There, in the period where pterodactyls lived, he found himself face to face with a giant pterodactyl. He looked up at the flying lizard and cooed. The pterodactyl squaked back. This went on for some time until a friendship was established. Soon, the pterodactyl let Tony ride on it's back as it flew the Earth looking for food and other pterodactyls to hang out with.
Then the meteor hit.

The Revolutionary War's Interesting Visitors

It's a long forgotten fact that the revolutionary war was the only war to include dinosaurs. No, not those kind. I'm talking about the kind that were rock legends in the 70s. It seems Tony's father's time machine ended up being used quite a bit. And, I'll be pig tied and sacked, if Foreigner didn't show up during the Revolutionary war and rock it like a hurricane. Just like the Scorpians in Vietnam, and Led Zeppelin during the Spanish civil war. Time machines are cool.

Why Didn't the Devil Ever Buy Any Dinosaur Souls

Think about it. I mean, a soul is a soul. It doesn't matter how big your brain is. So, I ask you: why didn't the devil ever buy any dinosaur souls? I could just imagine it. This nice brontosaurus comes up to this T-Rex and it's all like "Wait, before you eat me, let me buy your soul for unlimited bronto meat?"
The T-Rex would say "Awesome." Then the devil would pay him in all this bronto meat and then when T-Rex died he'd go to hell and burn forever and then when you or I went to hell we'd be able to see real life dinosaurs burning in hell.
That would be sweet.

The Dinosaur's Wedding Toast

Good evening Al, Linda. Thanks for inviting me to what I can honestly say is the third most important event in my life, after my marriage and the birth of my son Chris.
What can I say about Al? He's the only raptor that I've ever been friends with. I guess I learned a lot about their species and how friendship has no boundaries.
And Linda. I have to admit, she gives my wife a run for her money. Just joking, Justine.
Anyway, I just want to congratulate Al and Linda and I am honored to be a part of their circle of friends.
I don't want to tear up, so I'll give the microphone to Jordan, who's going to say a blessing.

The Dinosaur's Walk In Closet Monster

Did you ever wonder if dinosaurs were afraid of monsters and what those monsters would look like?
Would they look all extra scary or would they be more like bunnies or something that we would find cute?
Well, where's the part about the walk in closet?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Here's what's affecting me:

Geraldine Ferraro, notorious loser and feminazi has decided to sell out her party for the sake of her vagina. Geraldine would be an unemployed lesbian in a kinder gentler nation.

Conservatives everywhere are rejoicing in the slow death rattle of Ted Kennedy. Rush Limbaugh won't be happy until Teddy gets an undersea burial in a car with a dead hooker.

In redneck news, Hillary Clinton had a stare down with a preacher who just can't stop clowning around.

"He's eating my brain."

Maybe it was this big and had this written all over it.

This shit has got to be good. I don't care if I have to navigate a Scholastic Jr. Book Series page.

You fat fuck – take these pills.

Feeling sick? Too lazy to swallow? Try this.

Actual email to entire IS department:


I have once again delivered a new and exciting solution for the developer community.

Just saw the guy walking in the hall with his chest boosted out like he was the cock of the walk. I'm actually impressed with the idea that anyone has an ego this large. Smaller egos must orbit him like so many moons around a douchebag.

Weisberg came out Saturday night and we boozed it over at the Joker. I was already drunk by the time he picked me up. He and his brother dropped in for a few beers beforehand and I believe I was at 8 around that time. Over at the Joker we played pool and saw Norm Charlton and….last name starts with an "R"…black…I 'm too lazy to look him up. They were Mariners. Not the seafaring kind.
Earlier that day Josh and Monica came by so that Monica could tell me everything I did wrong with my furniture in the apartment. Don't get me wrong; I asked for it. After that we went to Chilis. Monica got mini burgers, Josh got a whole cow with a pig on top, between two buns and I got tortilla chips and mooched off their food. We were taking bets on whether Josh could finish his burger. He couldn't and was pretty much sick the entire day. I tried a mini burger and I have to say Chili's meat is too fatty. It was like eating the fat off a steak with mayo. We got a beer there, then went to Coho and got a beer there where Monica compared me to the fat guy on the Office. I cried for awhile and then we went to the Joker for a couple of beers. It was 90ish out and I pretty much felt high with all the sun and beer. Then we went to Barnes and Nobel to look at comic books.

Introducing the new man of the family: Jeff. Jeff will marry my sister next year and because I wanted to play poker and get drunk, I had Jeff, the old man, and Brad over for poker, pizza, and beer on Friday. It was a splendid occasion. I believe Brad won, but it could have been a Yeti. I ended up at Red Robin drinking Jaegermeister, so who knows.

Sunday morning I stopped by Ma's. There was a crisis. As she explained to me Mike cleaned the filters in the air conditioner, so the air conditioner stopped working. Then, the TV was working, but the circuit breaker said it shouldn't be and…I had to put together a fan.

Sunday night I went to Jenny's and hung out with Jeff, Cary, Eli, Maddy, and Brad. Eli was in a foul mood and wasn't happy until we let him pretend he was a robot while eating his chicken. We also brought out Jeff's Magnum Opus: Fritos with little smokies. I created a new dish when I was able to load a Frito Scoop with a little smokie, some chili, and a jo jo. If you were ever wondering, yes, I am fat.Speaking of

Your house is dirty. You're ashamed to have a dinner. Your spouse and kids have deserted you for a Sizzler. Who's gonna clean up the mess? Purex, you dumb cunt!

Yesterday my nephew and I watched the Japanese version of Star Blazers. It still entertained him. I, on the other hand, was more interested in the Frito/Sausage boats. But, the animation is spectacular. I feel sorry for children these days. I mean, there's millions of reasons, but the main one is that their cartoons are fershit. Take any cartoon after 1990 and you have the biggest load of colored shit since you ate Play Dough. CG? Fuck CG. Most movies looked more real without. Egotastic, bloated megaloads like George Lucas have turned Sci Fi movies into garbage. Again, I'm only saying this for the children.

The Geriatric Senator from Arizona is beating American Idol contestant and showboater, Barrack Obama by a whopping 1 percent. Sorry, I'm behind Obama 100%, but there's a bit of November left in me that thinks 50% of his soul is being voted on by troglodytes that equate Gap commercials with public health. I guess I'm just cynical from Kerry, but it really seems more and more evident that the leader of the world is being voted on based on good looks, a winning smile, and some nod to a lobbyist. However, I feel that there's a small chance that Obama could be 15% of what Roosevelt was to our nation, and I'll take those odds.

The Inquisition leg of the Catholic church is at it again. Should I go with a letting sexual deviants take Communion joke or a Is Will Smith excommunicating Scientologists for not enjoying I Am Legend joke? Your ball. Your court. You make the call.

This Guy Is Totally Wrong Dept.

Today in This Guy is Totally Wrong, we'll explore this guy's take on the Republican Party.
Talk about jerking yourself off. I don't think Democrats or liberals (people with common sense and decency) are winning. What's going on is that we're selling out our values to become centrists. Which just makes us the party of John McCain. The Democrats aren't getting any new blood, they've just become Republicans. The guy who won the Mississippi deal was a Pro-Lifer and gun guy. What's the difference between this guy and a Republican?

Like Hitler grazing Poland.

Rock star?

The more I see this stuff, the more I want to believe. Like a retarded Moulder. However, I do think it's possible we're seeing something, but pompous asses, like Bad Astronomy guy, won't for a second even think the possibility is in the cards and therefore do everything to disprove it. Asses like him are what make Newton's and Copernicus' of today live in shadows…and drink beer all day and eat Hotpockets.

The piranha one surprises me. However, I feel like they prove and disprove this crap constantly to keep us unhinged. "They" being the same people that put that statue on Mars. The lemmings one is a good way to get into an argument with someone. That myth is so embedded in society that Harland Ellison (who sucks, more later) even included it in a book.

More Indy movies? More Shiloh whatever your name is? Lucas: you're killing me violently with your song.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Square the Alley

Can the wicked thing in the alley stop moving. It’s made of heads. Blue, black, red, and yellow.
I walk by it and I’m stopped by the need for mercy from this fragile wound in my hand. About the color of hair and red.
“My dear friend.” It’s these damn robots again.
“There’s something in the alley full of heads.” I say.
“That’s been there, he’s dead.”
It’s a fullback, it’s a fucking real mean, big one; you know what I mean. Jesus! These things grow to the size of tree fronds. They’ve been issuing the Bill model after some of the old history. Fucking large nose and a head full of toupee hair.
I sneeze and it looks at me and leaves. Something in the air.
I keep walking and eventually armored cars come buzzing down the streets.
Streets have street meat.
I walk down the alley and there’s a hotdog vendor. I walk to the stand, put my two cents in, and
Hotdog flavor up through the vents, hits me in the face and falling back, this mustard smell comes to my lips and the vendor forks some fake, plastic dead skin from the hide of a beached whale up my mouth. I start gnawing at it and he pulls away. I fall on the ground and the waiter draws me away convulsing. “The street lamps have timber like music.” I say as they load me into the alley.
Here. Some sort of this land.
Plug you through with drugs. Some say sugar and some say hugs.
I’m impartial, and stuck full of hotdog smell, skin, and the drug they keep pumping into the monitor. It’s full of static and flowers.
Another robot this soon. It looks like an aging football player with a toupee. They keep having these toupees. And I want to cry; it asks me what’s this.
It’s pie in your eye.
Later in the home of this woman: She had Nilla wafers and there’s a storm outside. I’m getting cold. This woman gives me cookies and paces up and back.
Upside down later…I have a sundae cake.
This dead body in the alley keeps changing colors.
It’s hard to say how this happened inside out of the colors.
I’m afraid to say I’m a detective. I’m on the case of some William Burroughs alien fiends that keep attacking the gravitation fields within my close understanding of spare ribs and antlers. You see how this had
The colors.
The robot walks up and has another Sylvester Stallone wig and picks me up and lobs me into the movie theater.
Had the line, but couldn’t use it.
When we had the truck we used to get to the lake.
Dead beach dwellers come in and out.
I sleep at night, in a GI Joe hole.
The robots come back in Arby’s clothes. I’m thinking about rap music and hoes. I’m thinking about how this awful smell that smells like rats smells like home.
This car I had used to drive. These smells I had they don’t equate. And this car is up for grabs.
I’m thinking
These colors…
“This is a very unusual set of clothing and hair for a something like you.”
“These are my ways of expressing my lust for city and state.”
“We don’t like it.”
The robots scatter. I’m looking around at the game booths and the meat stores. I’m thinking that no matter what happens, this is not happening.
The colors of the police robots - just upbeat bots. They mean nothing. But what I’m saying to you is that there was something after me.
They had it in my head this place where I was dead.
I tried to examine the pills that I took, but I took what I was given, and I taked what I could took.
It’s always explaining hard to understand that the drugs make you aware of the reality of the drugs and therefore prove to show that there is no reality and then you wake up back at the same bed with the same fish, crackers, and this one blender that you never use.
All the time.
The music is killing my head.
And under a spell we ride along and these men say nice things to the sky and we rest aside the grape fields and the forgotten sea.