Thursday, February 9, 2012

If I Were a Bear

Sometimes I’ll get bored and create legions out of the food in my house and make them fight each other. And, yes, the mustard is always a colonel.

The thing that bothers me the most about Seattle isn’t the rain; it’s all the misunderstandings when a woman tells me she’s wet.

Sometimes I’ll hit the mute button on my phone while ordering a pizza just to see how well I’ve got it down.

It’s a crap shoot eating expired food. On the one hand, you can get sick. But on the other you can discover some remedy to a disease you might have.

I once asked this woman out to dinner and to get out of it she said to me she had no mouth.

It’s not like I don’t like life, it’s more like I don’t know it well enough.

This one time when I was a kid I broke my toe. So, for a whole summer I couldn’t count to twenty.

What I like best about flying in a plane is looking down at all the people and how tiny they are and how from up there I have the biggest penis. Except for all the other guys in the plane. Maybe.

If you have grandparents still, you are lucky. They are nature’s national resource. Like coal they can be incredibly useful. And like gasoline they have a very pungent odor. But, unlike gold, they can not be melted down and made into things. This isn’t a joke. It’s more of a warning.

What’s that city that they say is the “city of lights”? Why not call it the city of shadows? That would be cooler and still would make sense.

Why don’t they make blinds for your bathtub? The drapes are so lame. I like the idea that I can open the blinds and see if it’s still sunny in my bathroom.

I have waking dreams where I’m getting really hammered.

Using a pencil without lead is pointless.

I was working out the other day and noticed the guy next to me was making grunting noises while he ran on the treadmill. So, I started moaning.

The thing I hate most about dieting is all the food I’m wasting by not eating it. I imagine all the different foods I could be eating and how I’m just wasting them. And then I think about Al Gore and environmentalists and then I really go ape on a pizza.

There needs to be more zoos with food instead of animals. You just take your kids and you look at all the cages of food. Then instead of little placards with information about animals, it’s information on how to make the food. But I’d still have a snake room.

This guy was on TV the other day talking about how dinosaurs never existed and that evolution was completely false. I think his name was Albert. Anyway, FYI.

Am I the only person who’s turned two TVs so they are facing each other and turned them on and really got turned on by watching them watch each other?

I’m a big fan of sex.

I bet those guys that throw knives at the circus start off with spoons. Then move to forks. Then the knives. The really good ones use chainsaws. I haven’t seen any really good ones.

The worst thing about the news is the tragedy. I couldn’t even make up some of the awful things I see on the news. Like that guy who took his wife and…see I can’t even make that up.

A fortune teller once started giving me mouth to mouth the second I walked in.

Children are little miracles. Like that one that I turned into wine.

One thing is for sure about Noah – he probably really stunk.

If I were a bear, I would probably teach the other bears how to run for president.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


It would be better if you didn’t do that. Seriously, stop it. I’m really not joking anymore. You need to stop doing that. OK, now I’m totally serious about this. I want to prevail upon you that if you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to do something. I don’t even know what. It’s hard to think about it while you’re doing that. But once you stop it for half a second I’m going to really let you have it somehow, after I devise a plan to do so.

Yeah, I’d just like to take back this frozen pizza. No, there’s nothing wrong with it. I’m just really broke and need the money for beer. But the customer is always right. And I’m right when I say you need to give me my money back so I can get drunk with it. See, I have some cheese and bread at home and now I don’t need this until payday. I’ll be back to buy it back then. I know this isn’t a pawn shop. I’m not blind. I was just there selling my Dad’s class ring.

Hello! I saw you had a “For Sale” sign out front. How much? That’s a little out of my price range. What about just for the kitchen? Yeah right, what? You’d make a bundle piecing the house. I don’t know why you’re laughing. This is the scheme of the century. You sell me that kitchen for 50 grand, then you sell the living room for a cool 100, each bathroom for 25, then the master bedroom for 100, and the two other rooms for 75 – that’s a cool I don’t know how much and you’d still have the garage to live in. Man, I guess you just don’t understand real estate and I need to use your bathroom.

I’ll race you for one of those Big Macs. Hey – you! I’ll race you for that Big Mac. Yes, you. Get it together, pal. It’s racing time. I don’t care what you’re doing with your family. You need to get out of that seat and race me out front for that Big Mac. Your kids can watch you lose. But in the end, you’ll be watching me eat that Big Mac. What are you? Chicken? Bawk, bawk, bawk. See, even your kids are laughing. You want me to stop? Oh, you’re getting up to get the manager. Don’t shove me. I want a race, not a fight.

Do you have any vowels? Huh? No. I want a vowel. It’s the letters A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y. Dude, Amazon has everything. You have to have vowels. Yes you can. I saw it on that Wheel of Fortune thing – ya see, I figure if I get a stockpile of vowels I can sell them on the street outside the studios in Burbank. Yeah, so you and me – we make some vowel money. I know Amazon is just stockpiling them for the same reason, but we can double cross them. Sometimes. Why?

OK. Kind of a situation here. It’s rather embarrassing, so could you ask that everyone in the office leave? I understand this is Urgent Care – but this is REALLY urgent and REALLY embarrassing. If you don’t do it, I will. OK. You’ve forced my hand. Everyone! Hey, everyone – the urgent care has run out of medicine! It’s in your house, and Jack’s house, and Susan’s house! I see no one is leaving. OK, I have a Milk Dud in my ear.