Wednesday, November 30, 2011

It's Clearing Up Outside!

It’s clearing up outside. That means only one thing – more rain.
My favorite thing about Washington is that no matter how happy someone is, you can remind them that it’s raining.
It’s not that I like to make people feel bad…I can’t finish that sentence.
But I can tell you this – I’m not going to sugar coat life for you. If you’re reading this, that means you are as bored as I am and it’s probably raining.
And you probably just made some bad decisions.
Bad decisions will ruin you, mark my words.
But good decisions can be just as bad.
Like the other day, when I decided not to honk my horn loudly at those geese – good decision.
However, when I got back to my once black, now white car I realized my best intentions only destroyed me.
So, you’re damned if you do good and you’re damned if you don’t.
Go with not doing good. Doing good will ruin you and your fellow man.
Honk at those geese.
They have it coming.
Imagine how cool the world would be if good people started being bad. They’d get away with everything – and that’s progress, folks.
Imagine if Mother Theresa all of a sudden started pocketing donations – she’d be rich. No one would question her. EDIT: she's dead.
That’s what IT nerds would call being “nimble”.
While we’re on the subject, if you hear anyone use the word “nimble” you can rest assure that they will really fuck up this world.
Yes, the braindead, those that clutch to buzz words and use them like condoms, are easy to spy and they will ruin life for you.
That’s who you should be looking out for – not the Evil Mother Theresas, but the braindead.
That’s why drunk driving is so illegal – you have a braindead person behind the wheel of a good tonnage of driving force metal. Like Lars Ulrich.
The meek will inherit the Earth, but it won’t be some clever plan – it will be pure stupidity.
No one will ever decide to start a nuclear war, but someone will decide to pretend to switch the key as a goof at an Oval Office Christmas party.
And Christmas is upon us. In all its glory.
In all it’s you’re gonna get fat and no one is going to like your gifts glory.
It’s a family tradition. Not mine, but yours. You look like the type.
Some people choose to give to charity around the holidays and that’s just selfish. You can give a man a fish or you can teach him to fuck off.
That’s what I say.
The homeless are a rumor. Like dinosaurs and honey bees. They don’t exist.
Sure, there are people who beg for money – but they like to beg for money. They are good at it. Like that guy…you know, that guy with no legs in front of Albertsons who is starving to death?
I think his name is Roger.
Anyway, my point was it’s not raining right now.
Enjoy it.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Another Thanksgiving Special!

Did you know that the gravy boat you use on Thanksgiving is a symbol of the boats used by the early English to travel to America and ladle freedom on the indigenous people they found there? The turkey represents the cheapest bird we could get to represent an eagle and the mixed nuts you have out represent the insanity brought on by syphilis the settlers brought over. Thanksgiving is one of those mixed bag holidays.

One of my fondest memories is when my Mom burned a turkey and then crawled under the sink and rocked back and forth muttering "It doesn't matter…it doesn't matter".

Another memory is when there was this thirty minute silence at the table as everyone in my family struggled to form conversation. Eventually the turkey stood up and announced he was gay. At least that's how I remember it.

When times were tough, my Mom would sometimes combine Thanksgiving and Easter into one holiday and hide turkeys throughout the house. I remember Thankster '84 when I bagged nine of them. It is REALLY hard shooting turkeys in a house.

The real magic of Thanksgiving comes when you have visited nine parents related and separated through divorce after divorce and you realize being single isn't the worst thing you could do to the world.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is a must for any true American. This year it's being occupied by those Occupy guys. I don't really know what they want, but I bet they have some really cheap balloons that are easy to make fun of.

I'm not a big football fan, but the gambler in me always applauds the coming of a full day of football related gambling. A good rule of thumb is to bet with children. They don't have a lot of money, but there's usually assloads of them at Thanksgiving and they don't know jack about football.

In our family, we call that Cornucopia thingy a "fruit womb".

In this age of technology it's quite acceptable to Facebook your Thanksgiving so that others don't have to drive to your home in Milton. "Pass the salad" I would Facebook and then secretly devour a plate of nachos from Issaquah.

You can Skype Thanksgiving too. It's always hilarious to watch your father lose his mind after finding out your sister is pregnant out of wedlock and his screams of rage are chopped up by the satellite delay. "You" – "really" – "fucked up this" --------------"time" (table is thrown in slow mo).

Travelling during the holidays can be stressful. I hope that helps.

Pointing a wing at me and telling me I owe you money is the best way to be sure I'm not going to pay you for that cocaine, Grandma.

It's important to remember the poor and homeless on Thanksgiving. And the troops. And the astronauts. Don't forget the good people at the grocery store that have to work until five and then drive home in what is a virtual octagon of converging paths of drunken drivers. Oh, and the children…OF THE CORN!

A fun game is to cut people off at the table mid sentence by yelling "I forgot what I was going to say!"

Mashed potatoes are just plain stupid. Is there something too showy about French Fries? Why can't we at least have both? Thanksgiving should be about options. Like how freedom is about having options. French Fries and Freedom – that's how America rolls.

When you get down to it, Thanksgiving is just the practice run for Christmas. Have you noticed how Thanksgiving is always completely fucked up and then Christmas comes and everyone has their act together? It's the truth. You get a dress rehearsal and then a month later it's the real deal. And this time Christ is watching, folks.

Ways I've hid food as a child: in glass of milk, stuck under table, thrown across room when no one is watching…

This one Thanksgiving I was so sick of my family I walked up to 7-11 and played Ninja Gaiden for three hours. When I returned no one had noticed I had left and they were still yelling at me.

Getting that day off is cool. It's like three days, then you go and party Wednesday night, end up hungover on Thursday and then go back to work on Friday and then get REALLY drunk Friday night and then you try to find a way to summon the courage to fill out an FMLA form to sleep off that really bad hangover. Then you get fired. Then you ask everyone for money for Christmas, but let's face it, 400 dollars isn't going to pay your gambling debts. Then you move in with your parents and it's like Thanksgiving every day. Then you walk up to 7-11 and play Ninja Gaiden until someone offers you that job banging models for a living.

Dieting can be difficult around Thanksgiving. I suggest bringing your own food to your destination. A good sack of celery and carrots can be a lifeline for the serious dieter. If you have trouble overcoming the urge to sink your teeth into the holiday bird, just remember it's a mechanically disemboweled hunk of premature rotting material that represents the brutal slaughter of Native Americans.

What's the saddest thing about Thanksgiving is throwing away all the food. I remember my Dad would drive us to a homeless shelter and burn all the food in front of the starving homeless people and watch their reaction. Then he'd turn to us and say "That's why they starve – they are too angry to enjoy freedom." My Dad was funny like that.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Let's Just Get This Over With

Sometimes I'll close my eyes and then open them and pretend that I just awoke in my body for the first time. Like I was someone else before and now I'm in this body for a new mission.
And every single time the first thought is "I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THIS!"

I went over to my Mom's the other day and saw a squirrel in the backyard and said to my Mom, "Hey, a squirrel!"
She responded "I hate them."
I asked "How the hell can you hate a squirrel?"
Then she rolled up a sleeve and showed me a serial number tattooed to her arm.

My mother is a great cook and this was always lost on me as I have bad taste in food. I still remember being super happy to miss out on my Mom's brisket by going over to my buddy's house for Macaroni and Cheese out of the box.
The point here is that my buddy was poor.
And yet I enjoyed it much more than the expensive food my Mom would make. Which leads me to believe that the poor secretly have it good.
Think of all the expensive stuff you have in your house. Really think hard. How much of it, if it were gone, would make your life easier?
Imagine not having to worry about what's on television – you have no television. That goes for internet and movies too.
Or trying to figure out what's for dinner – it's always Ramen noodles and Cragmont from 1982 that you bought in gross at a flea market.
The poor have it good – make no mistake.

A cool video game would be a first person shooter type game, but you're a bartender. You make drinks for all these people, but you have to keep track of who you are serving because you lose if someone gets in a fight, gets a DUI, or rapes someone.
I'd call it Your Watch.

Every year there's about nine storms they call the Storm of the Century. They need to raise that bar or people will no longer take that title seriously. Like "Hey, here's a pretty good storm".

Here's a cool tip I learned – always ask "What?" when people say something to you. That way you get another chance to think about what they said.
Most people don't know this, but the deaf are just really, really slow.

I'd like to apologize to any deaf people out there. It was just a joke. Not even a good one. Not nearly as good as that one about the deaf pony and the jackass.
But I'm not going to tell that one. I'm not an animal racist.

Racism is the worst thing about America. Like the other day I was walking home from the store and this guy comes up to me panting. He looks me in the eye and then points straight ahead.
"Fuck" I thought. "Now I have to race this guy".

I always thought it was funny to run ahead of people jogging, then turn and pretend to be training them like on Rocky.
"Keep your head up!" I'd yell. Or "Let me see you jab!"
I stopped doing it when I realized I was getting exercise on accident.
"Christ, I lost fifty pounds."
I don't like that kind of thing – on accident. I want everything in my life to be on purpose. Like that shitty book The Purpose Driven Life. Except I do really dumb things on purpose.
Like if I'm in the bathroom I'll scrawl numbers on the wall of pizza joints under a banner saying "For a Good Time Call" then I'll call them so everyone can hear me lose it on the phone when I realize it's a pizza joint and not a hooker.

For the longest time I thought the Secretary of the State was the woman at the White House who was in charge of throwing parties, announcing birthdays, and administrating the lost and found.

When did kids become cancer? I was at a buddy's house and my other buddy was late and I said something like "KEITH is always late." And my buddy, let's call him Brian, goes "He has kids."
Like I just made fun of a cancer patient or something.
Look, you made a choice – you chose kids. That's not my problem. In fact, it should merit some recognition.
If you had a test and they gave you two options – beer and pretzels or 18 years of life threatening responsibility, and you chose the latter – YOU FAIL. You don't get to collect get out of late cards for the rest of your life.
My point here is Brian is an asshole.

This one time I was talking to my buddy about all the times I locked my keys in my car and then proceeded to lock my keys in my car. This totally goes against that stupid rule that if you have a problem you should talk about it.

In fact, I say go the other way with everything. If your fat, eat some donuts. Drinking problem – drink some whiskey. Cancer – smoke some cigarettes. There is no reason people should die "out of the blue" or "for no good reason". Death is a big fucking thing. No one on Earth right now has died. No one knows what happens. You lose everything. And people don't take it seriously. It should be treated as a sport. If you die for no good reason, you lose. When I die people will go "Well, I saw that a mile away." Or "He really gave his all for this death, we should really go overboard on the speeches." You suit up and show up to your death. Don't get hit by lightning or a drunk driver – own your death. Because if you don't, death will own you.
And that's why, honey, I'm smoking in this Chuck E Cheese.

A cool thing to do on Halloween is to go trick or treating, but when they come to the door with candy, just go "No thanks, I just want to pet your dog." If they don't have a dog, substitute "you" for "dog".

One thing I hate about sex is that women want to get a massage out of it. It's like you're sitting there, both of you are naked, it's totally "go time" and she'll say "Could you give me a back rub?"
I've literally just stared blankly at women after hearing this.
There is no way a back rub feels like an orgasm. Why are you ordering a diet Pepsi at a Baskin and Robbins, honey? Why order turkey when you can get bacon? And why order a back rub when you can get off? Pisses me off. That's why at the beginning of every relationship I will put my hands on the woman's shoulders and go "Let's get this out of the way now."