Wednesday, December 28, 2011

This is getting old

If I could time travel I’d totally go back in time and see Back to the Future in the theater again just to be ironic.

I’ve been looking for the black setting on my coffee maker for years. I want to turn it off.

Little known fact: you can explore other dimensions using fabric softener.

I’ve got nothing to prove – yes, my teleportation machine only teleports me to where I started from.

Am I the only adult that runs and hides when people come to the door like kids do?

As much as I love my wife I wish she were around more. Also, that whole thing about being real would be good too.

The best way to get out of jury duty without saying something mean is stating I hate the Chinese. Then when the lawyer guy is walking away from you, pull out an egg roll and say …food and give the rest of the jurors a thumbs down.

I think it’s crazy that we live in an age where people use computers to communicate. Why did we give up on the shout? We never really explored it in my opinion. Maybe I’ll work on this. I don’t know. I’ve got a big weekend, though.

Do you ever do things and think “Man, think about what I would think of this when I was 12.” Like you get a bunch of booze and pizzas and fireworks and think about how lucky you are that you can buy that stuff because you’re an adult? I do that every day just to let the point really hit home.

I guess the most unpopular firework is the match.

This petitioner guy asked me to sign something the other day. I’m not sure what it was for, but I signed it anyway. Have to keep those jobs.

Try this: answer your phone and chewing on the receiver and hang up. Nine out of ten times they won’t call back.

When I was a kid I told my Dad I wanted to be an astronaut, so he showed me that movie Alien. He didn’t have astronaut school money.

The best thing to do on New Years day is to promise yourself you’ll get fatter. That way no one can say “You’ll never do it.” Because you can look them in the eye and say “Oh, yeah?” as you eat them.

Any time I take my niece or nephew out for lunch I will say “This is getting old” when I pay the bill.

It's For Me

A good one is about the man who put time in a bottle and then, later, wanted to open it, but the lid was on way tight, so it took an hour to get the lid off and that’s all the time that was in there. That would be a good one.

Sometimes, while eating sunflower seeds, I will look at one and think about what could have been.

Other times, I’ll drive around roundabouts over and over again just to have the right of way all day long.

I had a buddy who visited his parents and his mom told him to go out and look at his dad’s new license plate and tell her what it said. He walks out and sees the plate “JAGADIC” and comes back in and says “Jagged dick?”
“No, it’s Jag addict!” His father yelled. He had put it on as a homage to the show JAG.
Later, his father went out and bought a license plate holder that said “Fan of the TV series JAG.”
This is all true. This isn’t the jokey stuff.

I was watching Godfather 2 the other night and I had some questions – the way Tom acts in the end makes me think he set the whole thing up and why did Roth have tax trouble all of a sudden? And did they set up Senator Geary in that hotel room? And did they purposely just almost kill Pantangelene? Also, what was with that guy in the bear suit who kept showing up and playing the banjo behind Michael?

I’m single and I got one of those Keurigs – the single cup brewer – and I have to say it may be the most depressing things I own.

A funny thing to do is to open a champagne bottle at the exact same time you throw a handful of cooked Top Ramen at the back of someone’s head while yelling “He’s got a gun!”

Sometimes I’ll shoplift at my Mom’s.

Do my feet look fat in this?

This one time I thought it would be funny to bring a buttload of Taco Bell burritos to a formal party as an appetizer. So, I go and order twenty of them and the guy there asks me three times if he heard me correctly and kinda looked at me forlornly. I told him “I’m positive. 20.” So, he told me that it would take awhile and that I needed to park my car. So, I park and I’m laughing out loud in my car about how hysterical I am and the guy comes up with this shopping bag full of food and he kinda looks me up and down and says “I really shouldn’t be doing this. You need help.” I thanked him and drove to the nearest dumpster and hucked them and started a diet the next day.
That one really backfired.

A lot of times I’ll answer my cell phone at work and exclaim “It’s for me.”

Monday, December 19, 2011

A Love Letter to Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il is Dead

We hardly knew you.

Hell, we didn’t know you at all. You were locked away in a fortress like some backwoods villain from olden days, lobbing medium range missiles over the Pacific like a wizard from Lord of the Rings.

And I, for one, will miss you.

Well, maybe not me, the United States government will.

Take note: we are running out of bad guys. Without our Saddams, Bin Ladens, and Ghaddafis where will the new benchmarks for Western evil hide?

As Obama reminds us that American citizenry can be locked up for no other reason than having three fingers, he is going to need some more puppets.

Kids get bored, and when you’re out of make-em-ups to play war with you will turn on your family and go for the throat.

This election year you will have the chilling choice between what Obama promised not to be and what Gingrich or Romney really are.

And that’s just plain mean.

Hell, give us a show like before – your Clintons or Reagans. Make us want to vote, otherwise, we will get bored and turn on you. Occupy the White House. That sort of thing – you know, hideous costumes and cheap weapons.

But we miss you, Kim.

Will your son be able to blackmail foreign nations and deliver the lowest economy of living to your masses? You know, that kind of evil professor stuff that only floats a plot in Schwarzenegger movies? If not, you need to take note – we will come down on you.

Our only hope is that Iran turns out to be the arch nemesis that only exists at the end of Nintendo games. Otherwise, we have a serious revolution problem on our hands and there’s some big time money dealers at GE and Goldman Sachs that will have to burrow back into their holes until cheap thrills buy off a world again.

But still, there’s a real lack of Bugs Bunny to Iran – and I can’t even spell the guy’s name without Googling. That makes for bad casting. Whatever nukes they’re making or not making they better be able to really kill good.

Really Kill Good is the best way to sell it, by the way. And, yes, I bought the domain name.

Well, here’s to you, Kim Jong (license to get) Il!

Over and out.