Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Tutta Bella Is Gone

Did anyone else own Drakar? The cologne. Not that town in France.

Did anyone else believe that there was a town in France named Drakar? Because I made that up, but it totally sounds right. I could Google it, but I like not knowing for sure. It's a mystery. I love mysteries.

So, I heard they are taking the self checkouts out of grocery stores. Let me go on record – the Self Check Out is the best thing that has ever happened to mankind. Fuck the wheel, car, White Album – the Self Checkout let you – and listen carefully, because I'm whispering – buy things without having to deal with fucking people. Let me say it again – buy things without dealing with fucking people! I go out of my way to not deal with fucking people and every corporation in America gets in my way by putting people between me and my product. Then a genius…nay, SAINT comes up with a way to not fucking deal with people and they take it away. That's what's wrong with this world – the second someone gets rid of people for you they take it away and you're left with people. God. I'm dizzy now.

I've noticed that every time you start a new job you have no idea what you are doing and someone reassures you that you will figure it out and you do and you look back and you think "How did I learn how to do this?" It's just crazy. It just goes to show that anyone can do anything if you give them encouragement. But the flip side is that that means you could become President. You. Right there. Reading this. Think about it. You would really fuck up. I'm just going by the percentages. Six people clicked on this link yesterday. That means one person is crazy enough to be reading this and that person could be President if they got encouragement. Then the bombs start dropping and it's all over because someone encouraged this person. God. Encouragement is killing us.

I used to be a Democrat until I realized I like to smoke cigarettes, litter, and hate people.
It really blew me away, too. Cuz the whole time I'm getting mad at Exxon or Goldman Sachs I'm not recycling and buying Perrier to mix with my whiskey. I was ashamed of myself. But I'm lazy too, so instead of changing I just started voting Republican.

Republicans are a totally different breed of person. They will tell you one thing and when you prove without a shadow of a doubt they are wrong they will just answer "Well, that's just how I was raised" or "That's just how it is" or "Birth certificate". But on the other hand, you're the dumbass that started arguing with them in Kohl's for no reason because you were drunk and didn't like their shirt.

Have you ever thought about what you do for a living and realized that if you weren't doing it everything would stay the same? Like the job is just a front for spying on how long it will take you to realize it? Like kinda Matrix-y. But not really. They aren't robots. And they aren't performing an experiment if that's what you're thinking. No, they are just fucking with you. This one time I sprayed a guy on the street with a hose off a balcony and he goes "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?" or something and I just said "I'm just fucking with you." Like that made up for it. It'd be like that, but it'd be your whole life's work. Like you're an engineer at a Styrofoam company and you engineer Styrofoam, but you don't really need to be doing that. No one would be without Styrofoam without your advanced engineering skills. No, they are just fucking with you. Seeing what you do with your engineering money. See how you grow and learn. And then they just laugh at you. And it's so fucking mean, but damnit, that's life. It amazes me that people think conspiracy theories have to be about doing evil – they could just be jokes. Like "Hey, we'll assassinate this President and see how people will react when hold and investigation that says it was a lone shooter, even though a committee of law officials say it was a conspiracy of multiple people" and then they just laugh their asses off at how people accepted it. Like if I worked at a hamburger stand and gave everyone hotdogs when they ordered hamburgers. It'd be like that. I would think it was funny. I would not be trying to harm you. I would just be fucking with you. And what's wrong with that? Anyway, I think I was talking about work.

Remember when you were in high school and how every weekend you'd try to figure out how to get liquor and where you could go drink it? And then you grew up and you still do that – only now you can easily get it and find a safe place to drink it? That's why when someone says "Grow up" to me I take it as a nice thing, like "Have a good time". Then I give them a high five and they just seem pissed. It's stuff like that, just trying to make life better. That's me – just trying to make life better. Like if I get shorted at an ATM for 20 bucks – I think it's OK to be lazy and not call the bank because in 1987 I stole 20 bucks from my older sister for comic book money. It's stuff like that – making the world better for me. What's wrong with that? I also notice that I will have unbelievable optimism for being such a pessimist. Like I'll go to get mail and think maybe I will somehow get free money. For no reason. And sometimes it does happen. Like I got a dividend from my insurance company. I have no idea why. And I never asked. It was two years ago and I still don't know why. But if they overcharge me, boy howdy, I'll get to the bottom of it. But the main point is to make everything better for yourself. Trust me.

I remember I got put in a special education class as a kid. It was because my math teacher was teaching fractions and asked us a question and I raised my hand and answered "I wish I was a truck!" I have no idea why I did that, but it ruined my life. For then on I had to be in special education classes. And the older I got the more retarded I felt until when I dropped out of high school I could barely form the words to break the news to my parents. All because I wanted to be a truck. If you're crying right now, don't worry – I totally made that all up.

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