This is getting old

If I could time travel I’d totally go back in time and see Back to the Future in the theater again just to be ironic.

I’ve been looking for the black setting on my coffee maker for years. I want to turn it off.

Little known fact: you can explore other dimensions using fabric softener.

I’ve got nothing to prove – yes, my teleportation machine only teleports me to where I started from.

Am I the only adult that runs and hides when people come to the door like kids do?

As much as I love my wife I wish she were around more. Also, that whole thing about being real would be good too.

The best way to get out of jury duty without saying something mean is stating I hate the Chinese. Then when the lawyer guy is walking away from you, pull out an egg roll and say …food and give the rest of the jurors a thumbs down.

I think it’s crazy that we live in an age where people use computers to communicate. Why did we give up on the shout? We never really explored it in my opinion. Maybe I’ll work on this. I don’t know. I’ve got a big weekend, though.

Do you ever do things and think “Man, think about what I would think of this when I was 12.” Like you get a bunch of booze and pizzas and fireworks and think about how lucky you are that you can buy that stuff because you’re an adult? I do that every day just to let the point really hit home.

I guess the most unpopular firework is the match.

This petitioner guy asked me to sign something the other day. I’m not sure what it was for, but I signed it anyway. Have to keep those jobs.

Try this: answer your phone and chewing on the receiver and hang up. Nine out of ten times they won’t call back.

When I was a kid I told my Dad I wanted to be an astronaut, so he showed me that movie Alien. He didn’t have astronaut school money.

The best thing to do on New Years day is to promise yourself you’ll get fatter. That way no one can say “You’ll never do it.” Because you can look them in the eye and say “Oh, yeah?” as you eat them.

Any time I take my niece or nephew out for lunch I will say “This is getting old” when I pay the bill.