Thursday, February 9, 2012

If I Were a Bear

Sometimes I’ll get bored and create legions out of the food in my house and make them fight each other. And, yes, the mustard is always a colonel.

The thing that bothers me the most about Seattle isn’t the rain; it’s all the misunderstandings when a woman tells me she’s wet.

Sometimes I’ll hit the mute button on my phone while ordering a pizza just to see how well I’ve got it down.

It’s a crap shoot eating expired food. On the one hand, you can get sick. But on the other you can discover some remedy to a disease you might have.

I once asked this woman out to dinner and to get out of it she said to me she had no mouth.

It’s not like I don’t like life, it’s more like I don’t know it well enough.

This one time when I was a kid I broke my toe. So, for a whole summer I couldn’t count to twenty.

What I like best about flying in a plane is looking down at all the people and how tiny they are and how from up there I have the biggest penis. Except for all the other guys in the plane. Maybe.

If you have grandparents still, you are lucky. They are nature’s national resource. Like coal they can be incredibly useful. And like gasoline they have a very pungent odor. But, unlike gold, they can not be melted down and made into things. This isn’t a joke. It’s more of a warning.

What’s that city that they say is the “city of lights”? Why not call it the city of shadows? That would be cooler and still would make sense.

Why don’t they make blinds for your bathtub? The drapes are so lame. I like the idea that I can open the blinds and see if it’s still sunny in my bathroom.

I have waking dreams where I’m getting really hammered.

Using a pencil without lead is pointless.

I was working out the other day and noticed the guy next to me was making grunting noises while he ran on the treadmill. So, I started moaning.

The thing I hate most about dieting is all the food I’m wasting by not eating it. I imagine all the different foods I could be eating and how I’m just wasting them. And then I think about Al Gore and environmentalists and then I really go ape on a pizza.

There needs to be more zoos with food instead of animals. You just take your kids and you look at all the cages of food. Then instead of little placards with information about animals, it’s information on how to make the food. But I’d still have a snake room.

This guy was on TV the other day talking about how dinosaurs never existed and that evolution was completely false. I think his name was Albert. Anyway, FYI.

Am I the only person who’s turned two TVs so they are facing each other and turned them on and really got turned on by watching them watch each other?

I’m a big fan of sex.

I bet those guys that throw knives at the circus start off with spoons. Then move to forks. Then the knives. The really good ones use chainsaws. I haven’t seen any really good ones.

The worst thing about the news is the tragedy. I couldn’t even make up some of the awful things I see on the news. Like that guy who took his wife and…see I can’t even make that up.

A fortune teller once started giving me mouth to mouth the second I walked in.

Children are little miracles. Like that one that I turned into wine.

One thing is for sure about Noah – he probably really stunk.

If I were a bear, I would probably teach the other bears how to run for president.

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