Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Lady Boners

know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to tell you what you’re thinking. But I’m not. I just did. You see my magic?




I bet your neighbors would be pissed if you lined your home with fly paper – on the outside. It’d be one hell of an eyesore, but your house would be fly free. Except for that one that got in through the pipes. I think his name is Henry. I have to check. Wait. Yep, Henry. He plays squash with the mice.




You come to that point in your life where you feel you can afford a home, it’s called 65.




If I was a kangaroo I’d always keep a pouch inside my pouch just to be condescending to other animals that can’t carry all their groceries home.



The thing that bugs me about the Alien movies is what do they eat? I’ve heard all sorts of stories and, of course, the obvious answer – humans, but really, it never shows it. Anyway, there’s cokes in the fridge and Jeremy needs to be put to bed at nine.




They said he was punch drunk: sitting in the bar drinking punch all night he succumbed to over hydration. That and I really laid into him.




The thing about women is that…wait, I know this.




A hotdog is just a taco that has his shit together.




They should make a wind up toy that requires all sorts of tools and plans in order to wind it up. That way people would take better care of their wind up toys.




If you are destined to live in the zoo, then you are destined to be some sort of animal.




My favorite year is that one with the Macarena. That was a good year.




I’ll bet you that Space Mountain was once part of a habitable planet until they started using chloroflourocarbines….colorfloralhardons…those green house things.




What would be cool is if at a Monster Truck show they showed kids how evolution works. You know, like with a Toyota, a Hummer, and Truckasaurus. But I guess there’s that whole separation of Church and State thing. So, you know…




There was once a lady that literally danced all night. We called her The Girl with Epilepsy.




The thing about popcorn is that it can get stuck in your teeth. Other things about popcorn: it comes from corn, it can be microwaved, I have eaten it once or twice.




Why no sneeze guards in gardens?




The other day I was really wasted and started thinking about how come there’s no edible forks. And I don’t mean the kind that fall apart while your eating your pasta or whatever. I mean a fork that will last. That will be able to be doused in spaghetti sauce and still keep its integrity. That way you don’t have to – wait, we’d need an edible bowl, too!




It would be cool if they made a bunch of really tiny mustard packets. Like there’s about 20 that fit inside a regular size mustard pack. That way you could really make everything proportional on your hotdog or hamburger.




You ever pick your nose and a whole cheeseburger comes out?




I regarded the apple with curiosity: say there, apple – how do you be?
The apple then wrenched itself from my hands and hopped to the floor and just sat there. And sat there. Finally I had to kick it. There was nothing left to do.



I, too, have been spurned by lady love – spurned by her man boner!




Thomas cared not for the material life he had created and left the big city to go live in the mountains. After years of living off of the land he decided he was tired of living in the wild and built a spaceship and lived in space. From there on, no one heard from him. Until now: GUUYYYYYYS! GUUUUYYYYYYSSSSS!




If I were a betting man, I’d probably say the Earth will be totally fine for a few more years.




There was once a forgotten palace – a forgotten palace of underarm deodorant. Years ago, before the TV show Sledgehammer, there were a race of men who had advanced to such a degree that they were able to create and manufacture deodorant. They were Gods among men, until that day when the dinosaurs came and ate them.
Does the palace smell good? No, it does not. But that was the wisest guess.

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