Here's what's affecting me:

Geraldine Ferraro, notorious loser and feminazi has decided to sell out her party for the sake of her vagina. Geraldine would be an unemployed lesbian in a kinder gentler nation.

Conservatives everywhere are rejoicing in the slow death rattle of Ted Kennedy. Rush Limbaugh won't be happy until Teddy gets an undersea burial in a car with a dead hooker.

In redneck news, Hillary Clinton had a stare down with a preacher who just can't stop clowning around.

"He's eating my brain."

Maybe it was this big and had this written all over it.

This shit has got to be good. I don't care if I have to navigate a Scholastic Jr. Book Series page.

You fat fuck – take these pills.

Feeling sick? Too lazy to swallow? Try this.

Actual email to entire IS department:

Hello.

I have once again delivered a new and exciting solution for the developer community.

Just saw the guy walking in the hall with his chest boosted out like he was the cock of the walk. I'm actually impressed with the idea that anyone has an ego this large. Smaller egos must orbit him like so many moons around a douchebag.

Weisberg came out Saturday night and we boozed it over at the Joker. I was already drunk by the time he picked me up. He and his brother dropped in for a few beers beforehand and I believe I was at 8 around that time. Over at the Joker we played pool and saw Norm Charlton and….last name starts with an "R"…black…I 'm too lazy to look him up. They were Mariners. Not the seafaring kind.
Earlier that day Josh and Monica came by so that Monica could tell me everything I did wrong with my furniture in the apartment. Don't get me wrong; I asked for it. After that we went to Chilis. Monica got mini burgers, Josh got a whole cow with a pig on top, between two buns and I got tortilla chips and mooched off their food. We were taking bets on whether Josh could finish his burger. He couldn't and was pretty much sick the entire day. I tried a mini burger and I have to say Chili's meat is too fatty. It was like eating the fat off a steak with mayo. We got a beer there, then went to Coho and got a beer there where Monica compared me to the fat guy on the Office. I cried for awhile and then we went to the Joker for a couple of beers. It was 90ish out and I pretty much felt high with all the sun and beer. Then we went to Barnes and Nobel to look at comic books.

Introducing the new man of the family: Jeff. Jeff will marry my sister next year and because I wanted to play poker and get drunk, I had Jeff, the old man, and Brad over for poker, pizza, and beer on Friday. It was a splendid occasion. I believe Brad won, but it could have been a Yeti. I ended up at Red Robin drinking Jaegermeister, so who knows.

Sunday morning I stopped by Ma's. There was a crisis. As she explained to me Mike cleaned the filters in the air conditioner, so the air conditioner stopped working. Then, the TV was working, but the circuit breaker said it shouldn't be and…I had to put together a fan.

Sunday night I went to Jenny's and hung out with Jeff, Cary, Eli, Maddy, and Brad. Eli was in a foul mood and wasn't happy until we let him pretend he was a robot while eating his chicken. We also brought out Jeff's Magnum Opus: Fritos with little smokies. I created a new dish when I was able to load a Frito Scoop with a little smokie, some chili, and a jo jo. If you were ever wondering, yes, I am fat.Speaking of

Your house is dirty. You're ashamed to have a dinner. Your spouse and kids have deserted you for a Sizzler. Who's gonna clean up the mess? Purex, you dumb cunt!

Yesterday my nephew and I watched the Japanese version of Star Blazers. It still entertained him. I, on the other hand, was more interested in the Frito/Sausage boats. But, the animation is spectacular. I feel sorry for children these days. I mean, there's millions of reasons, but the main one is that their cartoons are fershit. Take any cartoon after 1990 and you have the biggest load of colored shit since you ate Play Dough. CG? Fuck CG. Most movies looked more real without. Egotastic, bloated megaloads like George Lucas have turned Sci Fi movies into garbage. Again, I'm only saying this for the children.

The Geriatric Senator from Arizona is beating American Idol contestant and showboater, Barrack Obama by a whopping 1 percent. Sorry, I'm behind Obama 100%, but there's a bit of November left in me that thinks 50% of his soul is being voted on by troglodytes that equate Gap commercials with public health. I guess I'm just cynical from Kerry, but it really seems more and more evident that the leader of the world is being voted on based on good looks, a winning smile, and some nod to a lobbyist. However, I feel that there's a small chance that Obama could be 15% of what Roosevelt was to our nation, and I'll take those odds.

The Inquisition leg of the Catholic church is at it again. Should I go with a letting sexual deviants take Communion joke or a Is Will Smith excommunicating Scientologists for not enjoying I Am Legend joke? Your ball. Your court. You make the call.

This Guy Is Totally Wrong Dept.

Today in This Guy is Totally Wrong, we'll explore this guy's take on the Republican Party.
Talk about jerking yourself off. I don't think Democrats or liberals (people with common sense and decency) are winning. What's going on is that we're selling out our values to become centrists. Which just makes us the party of John McCain. The Democrats aren't getting any new blood, they've just become Republicans. The guy who won the Mississippi deal was a Pro-Lifer and gun guy. What's the difference between this guy and a Republican?

Like Hitler grazing Poland.

Rock star?

The more I see this stuff, the more I want to believe. Like a retarded Moulder. However, I do think it's possible we're seeing something, but pompous asses, like Bad Astronomy guy, won't for a second even think the possibility is in the cards and therefore do everything to disprove it. Asses like him are what make Newton's and Copernicus' of today live in shadows…and drink beer all day and eat Hotpockets.

The piranha one surprises me. However, I feel like they prove and disprove this crap constantly to keep us unhinged. "They" being the same people that put that statue on Mars. The lemmings one is a good way to get into an argument with someone. That myth is so embedded in society that Harland Ellison (who sucks, more later) even included it in a book.

More Indy movies? More Shiloh whatever your name is? Lucas: you're killing me violently with your song.