Friday, January 14, 2011

Gordon Dunne

Gordon Dunne: Forest Management

"Let me introduce you to a friend of mine. His name is Matt the Match. You guys know what Matt the Match's specialty is?"
"No, what does he do?"
"He starts fires. And doesn't believe in Jesus Christ."

"A good rule of thumb is that if you can eat it - it's not poison. Like these mushrooms here. Taste pretty bad, but in a pinch, they'll get you through the day."
"Pretty sure none of that is true."
"Are you questioning a Forest Ranger?"
"Dude, we're in downtown Seattle."

"Well, there little fella, what are you doing out on your own in woods? Where are your parents."
(Dude, I'm a bear)

"Well, I imagine you could get high off of any of those mushrooms. But it's probably safer to know for sure. Let me ask that wood sprite over there."

"No. We do not carry guns. We carry bear mace and our own good wits. Bear mace, good wits, and charm. Bear mace, good wits, charm, and holy shti I shti my drawers - BEAR!"

"Now, if you see a cougar, you should act unafraid and approach it. This makes the cougar think you are superior. Now, with a bear, you want to try to trade with it. Like if you have some jewelry, ask the bear if he will trade some shrubs with you. This makes the bear and you equals. In bartering."

"Well, Jimmy, no Santa doesn't live here in the winter. I know what you're thinking - snow, elves, Santa."
"There's elves up here?"
"I AM GOD AND I WILL BRING THE MIGHTY STORM UPON YOU!"
"Dude's high."

"Folks, this is Wanda, the Park Helper Lady."
"Gordon, I'm a certified Parks Department Ranger."
"Park Helper Lady."

"Hello folks, while in the park, remember there is a 25 foot rule in regards to smoking. That means, if you get 25 feet from anything with a cigarette, you'll have to put it out. That includes the sidewalk."

"Folks, there's no "P" in bears. Let's keep it that way."
"Are you telling us not to pee on the bears?"
"For starters, yes."
"Are you insane?"
"DON'T PEE ON THE BEARS!"

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