John Hummus

There's a few things I know about pets, and I think the most important thing is that they are all animals.

Nine out of ten times you buy a dog, it's not a dog at all. No, it's a cat that is bizarrely affectionate...and two ferrets tied to it...in a dog suit...with a milk bone in its mouth. This is all true.

You know what really gets under my skin? Scabies. And then, after that, scabies medication.

The best movie about animals is Lassie. The best TV show is Mr. Ed. And the best music is Pet Sounds. A lot of you might think Pet Sounds had nothing to do with animals, until you realize that animals were used as instruments on that entire album.

My first dog was named Benji. I named him after Ben Franklin, the man who invented the dog.

Back in the 1900s people used to live in the 80s. This has nothing to do with animals.

Nine out of ten times, when you are buying pet food you are just buying somebody's old pet.

Man, have you seen the stars? You know, in the sky? All of those stars could have planets and all of those planets could have Animal Planet networks. Then where would you be?

Some people believe a man named Noah saved all the animals of the world by putting them on a boat and forcing them to have sex with each other. I think they called it the Love Boat.

I have a friend who is vegan. He can't believe that I love animals and also eat them. So, I asked him, do you love p*ssy?

Sometimes I find myself petting things that aren't animals. Like the phone or the bank teller. I guess the bank teller is an animal, but it's not like a National Geographic animal. Like those guys with Safari hats and - what was I talking about?

Remember Dr. Doolittle? Not the one with Eddie Murphy, but the one with Marlon Brando and Cloris Leachman? Of course you don't, it hasn't been made - YET!

I think it would be neat to see a dolphin kill a tiger.

I was at the mall today. Just soaking up the beauty of my old pet shop. Frank asked that I leave, and I did. But not before I could open a small Orange Julius inside the shop.

It it had been a late night. I was working from home. After I had been fired, for all those parakeets I shoplifted, I started my own online business selling ants. To make a long story short, the ants succombed to a brutal brain disease that decimated their population and left them in little mounds all over the aquarium I had put them in that I bought from my brother Michael last year, before I was fired, for 60 $ - what a rip off. I will never do business with my brother again since he rips me off all the time and I have to...