Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Another Thanksgiving Special!

Did you know that the gravy boat you use on Thanksgiving is a symbol of the boats used by the early English to travel to America and ladle freedom on the indigenous people they found there? The turkey represents the cheapest bird we could get to represent an eagle and the mixed nuts you have out represent the insanity brought on by syphilis the settlers brought over. Thanksgiving is one of those mixed bag holidays.

One of my fondest memories is when my Mom burned a turkey and then crawled under the sink and rocked back and forth muttering "It doesn't matter…it doesn't matter".

Another memory is when there was this thirty minute silence at the table as everyone in my family struggled to form conversation. Eventually the turkey stood up and announced he was gay. At least that's how I remember it.

When times were tough, my Mom would sometimes combine Thanksgiving and Easter into one holiday and hide turkeys throughout the house. I remember Thankster '84 when I bagged nine of them. It is REALLY hard shooting turkeys in a house.

The real magic of Thanksgiving comes when you have visited nine parents related and separated through divorce after divorce and you realize being single isn't the worst thing you could do to the world.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is a must for any true American. This year it's being occupied by those Occupy guys. I don't really know what they want, but I bet they have some really cheap balloons that are easy to make fun of.

I'm not a big football fan, but the gambler in me always applauds the coming of a full day of football related gambling. A good rule of thumb is to bet with children. They don't have a lot of money, but there's usually assloads of them at Thanksgiving and they don't know jack about football.

In our family, we call that Cornucopia thingy a "fruit womb".

In this age of technology it's quite acceptable to Facebook your Thanksgiving so that others don't have to drive to your home in Milton. "Pass the salad" I would Facebook and then secretly devour a plate of nachos from Issaquah.

You can Skype Thanksgiving too. It's always hilarious to watch your father lose his mind after finding out your sister is pregnant out of wedlock and his screams of rage are chopped up by the satellite delay. "You" – "really" – "fucked up this" --------------"time" (table is thrown in slow mo).

Travelling during the holidays can be stressful. I hope that helps.

Pointing a wing at me and telling me I owe you money is the best way to be sure I'm not going to pay you for that cocaine, Grandma.

It's important to remember the poor and homeless on Thanksgiving. And the troops. And the astronauts. Don't forget the good people at the grocery store that have to work until five and then drive home in what is a virtual octagon of converging paths of drunken drivers. Oh, and the children…OF THE CORN!

A fun game is to cut people off at the table mid sentence by yelling "I forgot what I was going to say!"

Mashed potatoes are just plain stupid. Is there something too showy about French Fries? Why can't we at least have both? Thanksgiving should be about options. Like how freedom is about having options. French Fries and Freedom – that's how America rolls.

When you get down to it, Thanksgiving is just the practice run for Christmas. Have you noticed how Thanksgiving is always completely fucked up and then Christmas comes and everyone has their act together? It's the truth. You get a dress rehearsal and then a month later it's the real deal. And this time Christ is watching, folks.

Ways I've hid food as a child: in glass of milk, stuck under table, thrown across room when no one is watching…

This one Thanksgiving I was so sick of my family I walked up to 7-11 and played Ninja Gaiden for three hours. When I returned no one had noticed I had left and they were still yelling at me.

Getting that day off is cool. It's like three days, then you go and party Wednesday night, end up hungover on Thursday and then go back to work on Friday and then get REALLY drunk Friday night and then you try to find a way to summon the courage to fill out an FMLA form to sleep off that really bad hangover. Then you get fired. Then you ask everyone for money for Christmas, but let's face it, 400 dollars isn't going to pay your gambling debts. Then you move in with your parents and it's like Thanksgiving every day. Then you walk up to 7-11 and play Ninja Gaiden until someone offers you that job banging models for a living.

Dieting can be difficult around Thanksgiving. I suggest bringing your own food to your destination. A good sack of celery and carrots can be a lifeline for the serious dieter. If you have trouble overcoming the urge to sink your teeth into the holiday bird, just remember it's a mechanically disemboweled hunk of premature rotting material that represents the brutal slaughter of Native Americans.

What's the saddest thing about Thanksgiving is throwing away all the food. I remember my Dad would drive us to a homeless shelter and burn all the food in front of the starving homeless people and watch their reaction. Then he'd turn to us and say "That's why they starve – they are too angry to enjoy freedom." My Dad was funny like that.

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