Thursday, April 18, 2013

Walking to his car, Rand dropped dead. 
If one were to look at his death, from across the parking lot, it would have very much looked like a cow being gently tipped over.
As he fell, this hypothetical person would have seen the cigarette sticking to his lip all the way down and only going out when it hit a puddle on the concrete that broke what were once his front teeth, leaving them hanging in the braces he wore. The braces he proclaimed "I better not die in these" as the pain and money involved ended up being absolutely wasted. 
Speaking of absolutely wasted, Rand was absolutely wasted from 9 to 12 every night and this contributed to his death. 
Add in the cigarettes and the 220 pounds he carried around, when he hit the pavement, even he would have thought "It figures."
And it did. 

One doesn't simply wake from death in the afterlife. One just jumps into it running. Like when one jumps into their lives screaming and kicking. 
There was no light. No tunnel. And no elderly man with a book. 
It was simply waking up running. 
Or, rather waiting.
The last thing Rand remembered from his previous life was getting off work and walking to his car. 
The first thing he remembered in his afterlife was waiting for a shuttle. 
To be specific, a shuttle to one of the many corporate offices that made up his company. 
He simply was there.

Rand looked around and saw two fat men, much like himself, staring at the street in the hopes that the shuttle would soon arrive. They were much like him in the way that they didn't bother talking to each other as it would be too much effort. 
Rand had an idea that he was dead, but couldn't be sure. He looked down at his body and he was wearing the exact same outfit. On the exact same body. The sky was the exact same color. There was really no reason to think he was dead, other than the fact that he knew he was dead. 
The shuttle arrived and joined the other two men on it and it sped away at 24 mph to one of the other corporate buildings. 

"You dead?" It was one of the other men on the bus. 
"Excuse me?" The man moved a seat over and sat next to Rand. 
"You dead? I think I'm dead and I wanted to see if you were too?"
Rand thought for a moment and instantly became jealous that this man had the balls to come out and ask before Rand had. "I guess so."
"Me too. You work at corporate?"
"Yes. But I think I died of a heart attack or stroke. I'm not sure, but if this shuttle is taking us to heaven or..."
"Don't think about it."
"Or you know, then, I can't see how we both died at the same time."
"What year did you die?"
"Ha. I died back in 2004."
"You've been waiting there that long?"
"No. Probably the same as you. I'm pretty direct. Or I was. This other guy, I know. He died in 99. Shot up the place. Wasn't going to confront him."
"That doesn't bode well for the chances of this shuttle going to heaven."
"I know. But we might as well enjoy what we have here now."
"Jesus." Rand shuttered.
"Probably not the best time to blaspheme."
"How bad were you?"
"I don't know." The man thought for a moment. "Probably normally bad. I had a family." He stopped and looked down. 
Rand hadn't even thought of his family. He had a mother and two sisters. And ex girlfriend. "I had family. I guess. I mean, I didn't have kids."
"I had kids." The man looked down again. "Maybe that's the hell of it?"
"You said it first."
"I did. We're here."

The doors of the shuttle opened and Rand covered his face with his arm to shield it from the flames or glowing light that he expected.
"Welp. It's just corporate." The man said. 
They both exited the shuttle and stood in front of the building.
"No people." Rand said.
"Yep. None."
"This is like a movie."
"I know. I figured no one would get the afterlife right, but it seems like about nine to ten movies were close."
"And a shit ton of Twilight Zones."
"There's someone in there."
Rand felt a bolt move up his body. "I can still feel queasy."
"Me too. The other guy's still on the shuttle."
"It's gone. That's good. We're not on the shuttle with the killer guy."
"There's always limbo."
"I can see the guy in the building now."
"He's coming out."
"Jesus." They both said at the same time.

"Hello." The man said.
He was just like Jesus in the old children's books. White, European, and hairy. But then he shook Rand's hand and turned into an older man in a business suit. Then he shook the other shuttle passenger's hand and he turned into Morgan Freeman. 
"Are you Jesus?" Rand asked.
"Eh. Sure." Morgan Freeman said.
"I'm Paul." The other shuttle passenger said as put his other hand around Morgan's hand and shook harder.
"Eh? You don't know?" Rand was worried again. This seemed like a move the devil would make in a movie.
Morgan Freeman turned into a red devil. 
Paul urinated in his pants. Rand turned and tried to run, but when he looked down he realized he was on a conveyor belt moving the opposite direction like in a cartoon. He stopped running and he was back on the sidewalk facing the devil, who had now turned into man with a large black box over his face.
"Mohamed?" Paul gasped.

Mohamed blinked out like a switch being turned off and that was left was a mouth floating in the air and it said:
"Let's chat. You have both wasted your lives. Big time."
Rand and Paul looked each other up and down and realized they were both two fat, tired men who had wasted their lives big time. And both figured the other had wasted their's more. But it didn't really matter.
The mouth went on. "It's not that we care either way. Most people think we are going to care one way or the other. We don't. Only in the way that you are holding things up. We process people. You have backed up the system. You took everything away and brought nothing here, where we are now."
"Where'd the other guy go?" 
The mouth paused. "The killer guy?"
"Yes." Paul said.
"He creeps me out. I'm waiting to get the nerve up to deal with him."
Rand sighed. "So, you're not God?"
"Not really. Just a...thing doing it's job. And you two both need to move on."
Rand began "It's not that I was a loser - it's more like I never tried. I mean, I can't be punished for that? I put no effort into anything. So, if I wasted my life, it's - I'm not sure I know where I'm going with this..."
The mouth answered "You didn't try. That's why I have to talk to you. I'm here. This is where my office is. You both showed up. It gets weird. Like with that killer guy. Still have no idea how to tell a guy like that that he has to go back. I mean, he's in jail. you guys are lucky. You guys get to go right back."
"We're going back?" Paul asked excitedly. 
"Yes. You two chubby bastards are going back."
"Wait, what happens if you don't waste your life?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?"

Rand woke up on the pavement with his two front teeth being held in his mouth by the dental work he hoped would not be on him when he died.

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