Wednesday, December 30, 2015

I wish I owned a lawn

The more I think about it, the more I wish I had a lawn.

I own a condo. Back when I was a kid I thought only porno stars owned condos. Condo just sounds like something where people go and do deviant things. But it's not. It's basically where I microwave macaroni. I guess when I was a kid it just sounded like a bungalow. And everyone knows that a bungalow is definitely where people do deviant things.

I mean, if someone invited me back to their bungalow I would assume we were going to have sex or do drugs. It's just one of those things. 

I looked bungalow up in the dictionary just now and the picture next to the definition is a woman snorting coke out of a penis.

But I wish I had a lawn. Like an area of nature that was in front of where I live so that I could get closer to nature. Imagine telling people "Hey, I'm out on my lawn." That would make me happy. 

The other thing I could do is water the lawn, so when people ask me what I did all weekend I don't freeze up, get nervous and just admit that I got drunk all weekend. No, I could say "I watered my lawn." No one asks you questions after that. Watering a lawn takes about a half hour tops. But no one ever asks "What else?" If you say "Oh, I read a book." They'll go "And what else?" Somehow watering a lawn immediately gets so much respect, people will just stop asking you questions.

But I have a condo and they don't come with lawns. They come with plants and some dude waters them or a sprinkler or something - I don't really know, I only use the outdoors to smoke. 

What I should do is start slowly planting grass where the plants are and let nature take its course. Eventually, I'd have a lawn and it would spring up so slowly that no one would notice that I was growing a lawn. Then I'd be the only condo owner with a lawn and everyone would be jealous and I would just sit on my lawn and drink lemon-aid and smile at them.

But I probably won't do that. I'll probably just get drunk again.

What might be wiser is if I were to plant a lawn somewhere out in the country and just go visit. "Gonna go out and see the lawn." I'd say as I drove out of my condo complex. Everyone would think I was crazy, but then I'd show them the pictures of the lawn and they'd be like "You aren't crazy after all!" And then I'd smile and pat them on the head.

Also, I could take people out to see the lawn. Like dates. I could meet a woman and say "Hey, wanna go see my lawn? It's about 70 miles south. It's real friendly." Then they'd go with me to my lawn and I would show them the wonders. "Every blade of grass is a miracle!" I would say. And the woman would be so blown away by my green thumb she would make love to me right there on the lawn. 

But I'd have to hire security. People have been known to steal lawns. I knew this guy back in the day, he had a big ole' lawn and he was so proud of it. It was as green as emeralds. Then one day it started disappearing. Piece by piece. It took 14 days for it to completely get ripped off. But it did. And I would say to him "How come you don't hire security or get guards?" And he would say "Because that's not the America I want to live in." Then when it was all gone, I knocked on his door and said "Hey, it's America and your lawn is gone!" 

I would have to vet the guards, though. I do not want to just hire people off the street I don't know. I also want to make sure they have a working knowledge of grass. I would test them. I would say "What does grass do?" And if they didn't say "grow", they just lost a job. It's that simple. 

But this is all make believe until I actually get around to planting that grass in that country wherever that is. I'm not for certain there's still places where you can just plant grass at will. I Googled it and I received no results. That's good news though, that means no one has thought of it. That's where I run all of my good ideas - through Google. That way I can figure out if they are as original as I thought. Like that pizza helmet I was selling. And no, it's not a helmet made out of pizza. It's a helmet to protect you from pizza. 

I guess it's possible I'll never own a lawn. I don't like to think about it, but it's looking that way. America is about dreams and I have mine. And let me tell you: if it's what gets me up in the morning, then it can't be bad. 

Like this morning when I didn't want to get up and I just thought about my fictional lawn and I was able to get out of bed and go to work. 

Then I just sat at work and Googled lawns. I looked at other people's lawns. I felt dirty. But I also felt inspired. There's a man in Topeka who owns three lawns! I said to myself "Only in America!" Then a coworker asked what I was so excited about and then I kinda hid my screen because I didn't want someone knowing that I was looking at lawns all day on my computer when I was supposed to be answering 911 calls.

Then it was just back to work. This guy called and he had been stabbed and I couldn't help it "Do you own a lawn?" he wouldn't answer me, he just kept talking about his back and how it was stabbed and how the guy was getting away and all I could hear was "I've been lawned. The lawn is getting away." And then I said something like "I'll save your lawn!" And then my manager came by and asked if I was OK. I said I was OK. Then I got back on the phone with the stab victim. But it was too late. I would never know if he owned a lawn.

After work I went out and bought lawn darts. Just to, you know, get a start at owning a lawn. It made me happy in a way that cocaine and hookers never did. I took the set home and put it in my closet and then got drunk. 

I'll probably grow out of my lawn phase. I'll probably get into something more realistic, like bulbs or something. What are bulbs? They look like petrified ballsacks and old ladies love them. I guess that makes sense. And maybe that's not what I want out of life. I don't want to die and the only the thing they say about me is that "He loved petrified ballsacks." That would be heartbreaking. 

But I'll get over it. I'm a practical man with practical needs for the most part. I am fine with never owning a lawn. But you know what I do own? The dream. That's right: the dream of the lawn. And you can't take that away from me. 

No comments: