Tuesday, January 5, 2016


It's time I started writing resolutions. 

I write today from the year 2016, and it's time to get resolute.

Today, going forward for the entire year I pledge to not add bacon. I pledge to use filters on my cigarettes. And I pledge to only drink one fifth a night.

These are small sacrifices everyone can make. People need to be realistic about their goals, and I am going to be realistic. 

For instance, I will not start giving money to homeless people. But I will start making eye contact with them. For instance, when I stop at a street light and there is a homeless person with a sign, I will look directly at them and shake my head NO, and then hold that stare until the light turns green. 

In the past I have been known to not wash my hands after using the restroom. Today, going forward, I will begin to turn on the faucet for a couple of seconds and give the brief impression that I care enough about your opinion that I will pretend to wash my hands. Make no mistake! I will not begin to wash my hands. I will only begin the illusion of washing my hands.

Listening. It's important to listen to people. I have a hard time with this as most people have nothing worth saying. Starting now, I will begin to nod when you are talking to me instead of making the talky-talky sign with my hand walking away while you are a mid-sentence. At no time will I begin to listen to, but I will give you the impression that what you said serves a purpose that requires my attention.

Beginning today I will no longer harass you, Beth Newkirk. Sure, we went out for three weeks in Junior High and, sure, that meant nothing to you as evidenced by your restraining order, but all of that is in the past. No more will I tell people that Beth Newkirk once blew a goat. Or that Beth Newkirk is a Nazi, or that Beth Newkirk eats babies. No, the truth stands for itself and there is no reason to believe or not believe my statements concerning Beth and there's no reason for me to continue to harass her. Stalking is a totally different animal. That'll continue. But no more harassment.

Today I also pledge to come in to work before noon. That means I am guaranteed to be in the office at lunch, unless I'm taking my lunch outside the office, in which case I will be in at one. But make no mistake, the clock starts at noon. The clock will continue to stop at 4:30, but the clock starts at noon. No more coming in at 4, or 3, or 2. This is a promise that I will keep.

For the rest of the year I will not walk into Fred Meyer with just boxers on while pretending to be too drunk to notice. For now on I will level with the Fred Meyer community and let them no that I was just too lazy to put clothes on. No more charade from me. The truth is out there and it's I just didn't feel like putting pants and a shirt on. I may happen to be drunk, but that has nothing to do with why I'm almost naked. And you can take that to the bank.

Looking before I pull out of a parking spot? You guess it - that's on my resolution radar. Ben Holmes, Jacob Meyers, and John Kirby know how it feels when I just basically don't look before I pull out of a parking spot and all three have sued me and won monies to help me along with this resolution. Going forward, I will crane my neck left and right and look to make sure that nothing as big as a human could be broken to death under my car wheels as I pull out. Now, this does not include pets. A car is God's way of telling you your dog or cat is too small and I will continue to not see these animals....maybe next year, Fido.

Shoplifting. No more? No way. But I will promise not to shoplift out of the homes of friends and family. This includes your drugs and jewelry, but excludes things like grapes or almonds or stuff where you're kinda on the fence about whether you can take them. Beer I will continue to shove in my pockets, but your wallet is safe. 

There are a lot of ways to better yourself if you just look. It does not take a whole lot of effort to turn a vice into a nice. That's why I challenge you to make a difference in your community. Whether it be stopping at traffic lights or picking both nostrils of your nose at the same time, there is room for growth. And isn't that what we're here for? Growth. Not all of you can be like me and stop taking tips that are left at tables, but continuing to not tip. No, maybe you need to take baby steps. Maybe you need to do things like move out of your parents house or start wiping. One man's stop eating donuts with cocaine on them is another man's stop shaving animals that happen to walk by. 

Make this a special year of growth. 

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