Wednesday, February 24, 2010

One or Two Liners

This one day I changed my name to Morten. Not legally or anything – just in my head. It gave me a new perspective on life. No one knew who the hell I was and they kept calling me Matt.

If you ever win the lotto, remember to get a good attorney. I think this is because most people have always dreamed of having their own attorney. Like when you get pulled over and you say "Wait till my attorney gets ahold of you!" But now you're not lying. You really have an attorney. Or "You'll be hearing from my lawyer!" No one buys it, but if you really had one, you could have your attorney call them and be like "Bet you thought that was a petty threat my client made? Well, here I am. Rock you like a hurricane."

Recently, I found out that there was a mouse living in my apartment. I realized this when I noticed the miniature hat stand and sitting bench.

I got pulled over the other day for going the wrong way in a one way lane in a state park. The ranger guy asked "Do you know why I pulled you over?" And I kept thinking "But you're on foot. You didn't pull me over." So I said "I pulled over to park. You just walked over here." He said "Exactly! I just wanted to get inside of the head of the criminal – the one that went into a one way lane the wrong way."

As a smoker I take great issue with those that walk into my second hand smoke. Hey, buddy – pay for your own cigarettes.

My favorite Olympic game is smelting. What's that you say? There's no smelting in the Olympics? Then what's the torch for?

I like to live my life in the fast lane. That way, when bad stuff happens it's all like ZOOOOOM! You don't even notice it, cuz you're in the fast lane. But the problem with that is you can't enjoy the really wondrous parts of life, like a baby cooing or your wife's last words before she dies because it's all like ZOOOOOOM! Hey, I barely know you, babe.

If you dug a tunnel to the center of the Earth and threw a ball up above your head it would fall just like it did on the surface of the Earth. It took 56 million dollars and 38 Persians for me to figure this out. But it was worth it.

My favorite game as a child was Monopoly. It's that game where you buy property and sell it and try to make the most money, then you win. But we'd play it backwards to get rid of all our property and money – my parents were Buddhists.

Statistics show that you are more likely to get killed in a forest fire than being caught by a giant mousetrap. That's the thing about statistics – they drive the giant mousetrap business.

They say that if you lose one sense, the other senses get stronger. So, if you ever wanted to compete in a senses match, you probably want to really fuck your head up really bad in a car crash and then be all pro at the Touch games.

A funny thing to do is bring a Bible to a funeral and read it. If anyone asks you about it, just say "I just want to see how this ends."

If I could be one brand of peanut butter, I would probably be Skippy. Because it tastes like shit and no one would eat me.

There's two ways to go about things: 1. With calm concentration and an eye for detail. 2. Like you were trying to fish your nuts out of a running blender.

They say there's always a calm before the storm. Q: What comes after the storm? A: More calm.

Strive to be number one. Number one is very important. It's the first dude to do something. Or the first dude to get picked to do something. So, when the shit hits the fan, you probably don't want to be number one. But don't be the worst. I hope that makes sense, Tommy.

I recently was researching my family tree and I noticed that there are a lot of cake decorators in my family. I don't really like cake, but I do get the urge to decorate them when I see them. So much so that I ruined a wedding once. The point is, you can't beat nature. But I'm not about to take some job at Safeway decorating cakes. That would be stupid.

There's a lot of controversy lately about global warming. Some people say it exists and others say that it's a lie. I tend to not care. I mean, what could I really do to stop global warming if it exists? Sure, I could recycle and walk to work, but wouldn't the effort just burn more calories? And when you burn calories you pollute. So, you know, litter.

A nightmare is just a good dream in reverse. Except that one where I keep just getting my nuts caught in a blender. That one is bad in either direction.

A wise man once said "A wise man once said".

To truly be equal – all races, creeds, and colors – you need to handicap the masses. The best way to do this is make everyone wear fanny packs. That way, you see someone acting all cool and big shotty, you can just think "That dork is wearing a fanny pack". Of course, you'd have one too. But you'd be like "He's blood."

I hate to break it to you, but there will never be an end to war. War is part of our culture. Even if there was a culture that didn’t have war as part of their culture, we would go to war with them and then they'd be at war whether they liked it or not. So, again – litter.

My Mother used to wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. If she just would have brushed my teeth every time I probably wouldn't have all these cavities.

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