Thursday, January 7, 2016

I will bet you twenty bucks that I love to gamble

I will bet you twenty bucks that I love to gamble.

Gambling has been around since dinosaurs walked the Earth. Back then, you only had like three games: Gin Rummy, Texas Hold 'Em, and this REALLY shitty slot machine made out of a tree, some rocks, three cantaloupes and three cherries. 

Gambling slowly evolved with sport and by the time the mammals ruled the Earth, there were the first small casinos. Small rodents would gather in holes and play Pai Gow and Keno - that's how they survived the asteroid blast that killed all their dino-buddies.


"Hit me!" 


"I'll kill you!"


Kenny Rogers makes no secret of his love of gambling, as seen below in the song Lady. I have added some notes:

Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor and I love you - This is about Kenny sidling up to a slot machine. The armor is shiny like gold and yet, it's armor that protects the gold...Kenny's gold.

You have made me what I am and I am yours - This is Kenny basically admitting that he has a gambling problem.

My love, there's so many ways I want to say I love you - Kenny can't explain his love of gambling; he can only gamble - that his how he shows it.

Let me hold you in my arms forever more - This is a play on words, this is Kenny saying he's "holding": he's holding his cards, holding his bet, and holding his love for gambling.

Later, Kenny would write a song called The Gambler about botox.

Gambling has changed its face so many times. When I was a child you could buy lotto tickets or go to Las Vegas. Now, you can go to the reservations or the bar and gamble. Hell, most people gamble at work. I am in 38 different variations on fantasy football even now in the post season. In fact, I'm gambling with my other hand while I write this.

Gambling has taken control of America...and I want to salute our shiny overlord! You truly have me what I am, Gambling, and I AM forever yours.

They say life is a gamble - and they are right. Every day you gamble. Just getting out of bed opens you up to oddsmakers. Chances are you'll live - but would you bet on it? I wouldn't. Look at you.

"God doesn't play dice" - this is a quote typically attributed to Einstein, but it was actually Jesus who said this right before he pulled out a package of dominoes. Point is, even God gambles. All of them. I don't care what religion you are, your God gambles. I should know, I use a lot of drugs. 

I bring you all this information as March Madness slowly approaches. This is the time of year when I get excited about sports. Anyone can win March Madness. You can ask your buddy "What's a Manzel" as I did and still win. That's the sort of absolute lack of sporting knowledge you need to win at March Madness. The reason is there's just so many variables. I once made it to the very end based on picks given to me by a friend's four year old. It's that simple. I don't even know what basketball is; I just know I sucked at it. 

This year, I'm going. Yes. You can go to March Madness. That may seem tricky as the games are in different states and are on at the same time....but it's not. Las Vegas is essentially the closest you can come to "going to March Madness." And I will be there.

My friend who goes every year has tried to talk me out of it as he has deemed me a cooler. A cooler is a person who can ruin any luck within a half inch. They made a movie about it. I think it was called Titanic. Point is - this guy thinks he can talk me out of going to March Madness. Boy is he wrong. Little does he know I have been "cooling" him for decades. In fact, he thought he was impotent from 2005 - 2007, but it was just me hanging outside his house when he was on dates. 

I have already booked my ticket and air and I am going to "go mad". Going mad is when you gamble degenerately For instance, the year that I was at Mt. Baker and we stopped in at a casino and 10 hours later I was taking out cash from a credit card to gamble more. Or last weekend when I stopped at three different casinos losing 1200 dollars in the process. Going mad is a lot like "going clear" in Scientology. You basically remove your ego and accept that you are just going to destroy yourself. It's invigorating. Call it the Kamikaze piloting of capitalism. This is where gambling becomes a sport - and I am the Ray Charles of gambling.

I imagine my madness will begin at SeaTac airport where the mere idea of losing thousands of dollars will get my giddy and lead me to wallop a shocking 1000 dollars down at a magazine shop for lotto tickets. I'll probably forgo any scratching and proceed to just scan the tickets for winners and see just how many I can buy before my plane takes off. Then I'll think "What if I miss my plane?" Then I'll think, better make a bet! Then I'll try to bet on whether I will miss the plane with people and finally get a taker and then I'll bet that I'll miss, but then I'll make it and have to leave the plane to pay the dude, but then the plane takes off and I WIN. Point is, I WIN.

Once I gamble my way out of SeaTac, I'll arrive at McCarron International airport, named after bloated college basketball coach and chronic alcoholic, Scott McCarron. There I will play the McCarron International slot machines until I smoke 64 cigarettes, bracket style.

At this point, I will be flat broke and will need to sell my clothing and iPod for taxi fare. With the leftover money I will play a PRICE IS RIGHT slot machine until I am totally broke. Then I'll go to sleep and wake up and sell my room to gangbangers for 40 dollars and then play Roulette. By this time I will bet conservatively and make all my money back, call the cops on the gangbangers, clean up my room and then get really loaded. Then I will go back to the casino, blow the money, and wind up at square one. 

That to me, folks, is a good time.

The moral here is that gambling is good and good for you. Just ask that college basketball guy Eli Manning or tennis legend Eric Estrada. 

Sports and gambling are about as American as bombing dudes and wearing a bandanna as underwear. Just ask professional soccer player Joe Namath.

Or curling star Michael Jordan.

Wait, so the moral of the story really is I don't like sports, but gambling IS a sport, so that is the sport I like. 

If you don't believe me, ask running back Claire Danes.

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