Wednesday, January 13, 2016

State of the Union

The State of the Union

By: Tim McGeyverson

Hello, I'm Tim McGeyverson and here's my State of the Union.

First, I just want to start off by saying the Union is fine. Everything is OK with old Tim, so no cause for alarm.

However, the year started off a little on the musty side when I ordered a Big Mac at the local McDonald's and received no special sauce. This was back in February, 2015. I remember thinking "This should have been in my State of the Union address a month ago." But it was too late. But I wrote it down so that I would remember it.

I also remember Nancy Halloway's unfortunate decision to not buy insurance from me in March. At that point, it was looking like a pretty shaky year, but things began to go the McGeyverson way around April when my wife gave birth to our little miracle Ronald McGeyverson. Nothing has brought more happiness to any of the State of the Unions before this happening.

So, at the first quarter of the year it was kindov a mixed bag - no special sauce, no insurance sale, but I got a baby. And not just any baby, this kid is fully functional. It cries and needs to be fed and doesn't always sleep and drives me nuts. So, it's kinda one of those things where at first the State of the Union was all good around April, but then it kinda started going downhill around May when this stupid baby kept crying and stuff. 

I was telling my wife about how the baby was great and then stupid and she didn't understand and then she started crying. So, this was the event for June: my wife crying. She's still probably crying. Everything is about the baby. Around July I started thinking - this baby really, really, really sucks. It reminds me of the State of the Union in 2003 when I got this great job selling insurance, but then later found out that there were quotas and stuff and if I didn't sell insurance I would lose my job. That really grinded my gears. 

But that baby wasn't going to go away. I seemed stuck with it. The only time I got to myself is when I was at work, at the bar, watching the game, gambling, or sleeping with my wife's friend.

Oh! That was a really good part of the State of the Union - my wife's friend. She's about three times more attractive than my wife and she doesn't have a stupid baby. Also, she would loan me money. 

But just like the baby, my wife's friend ended up biting me in the ass when she decided to really be my wife's friend and told my wife about our affair. So, once again something really cool ended up really sucking. Don't get me wrong, like I said the Union is good even now, but there's these ups and downs where my wife's friend or this baby seem great and then make life miserable for me.

On the international side I was sorry to see all the war and stuff and the drugs and the missing children and the poverty and stuff like that, so that's like a little bit of the State of the Union, but not a lot. Not by a long shot. There's still all these other problems that the President doesn't like to talk about. 

Like Bill Pare. Bill is a coworker who thinks he "caught" me looking at a filthy website, when in fact, I had by accidentally typed "big butt fetish plus midgets" in my web browser. Well, Bill decided to tell my boss and they checked the logs on my account and sure enough - Tim McGeyverson gets written up. 

This was in August. So, by the end of the fiscal year I was thinking "The hell with this Union - I'm moving to Canada or Utah or something." But then, another miracle came my way: I won 80 dollars in a Powerball. It wasn't the jackpot, but let's just say Tim got a free steak the next day. But just like always, turns out eating a free steak at a strip club when your wife is sick and the baby has the mumps and you are gone all night turns into yet another problem for old Tim. 

So, it's like by September when I'm thinking "Tim McGeyverson can't win at this life thing." But then I had an outstanding sales month when I figured out that if I write in bogus sales and then go back and say the buyer changed their minds and plus use Gary's password to do all this I end up being salesman of the year. It's the type of thing Tim McGeyverson deserves, what with the crying wife and baby and that special sauce thing still ticking me off.

So, by October I was like top of the world. I still had the stupid baby and wife that would never sleep with me again, but so what? I was salesman of the year. 

November rolled around and there was still war and stuff and the crying baby, but there was also this Thanksgiving fishing trip I had with my buddies for two weeks. I was so glad to get out of the house and just have a little time to myself. And guess what? The crying baby and wife were gone when I got back! I was so stoked. It seemed everything was going my way.

Until December when I realized the wife and the baby were gonna take the house and most of my money and this stupid "investigation" about my using Gary's password to falsify documents started up. Can it really be called an "investigation" if the cops aren't involved? 

That's what I asked. Then the cops got involved. 

So, I spent most of January in jail, I'm jobless now, and homeless and am using a library computer to write this year's State of the Union.

So, President Obama - here's a look at the real America! Take a good look - it's folks like me that cheat on their wife and neglect their children and break into Gary's computer that are getting screwed! Where's the relief for us???? Where's my Obamacare????

But, like I said, the Union is still fine. I'm able to use this library computer to write this and I found a soup kitchen that doesn't kick me out for cutting in line. Plus, that baby and the wife are gone. I mean, you really have to look at the State of the Union with a fresh set of eyes and you'll see that your Union is good. Maybe not as good as that Union of the Snake that Duran Duran had, but it's still OK.

God bless.

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