Christmas Brings Out the Best in Me

Christmas Brings Out the Best in Me


The other day I was coming into work and a coworker said "Hello" and I said "Hello" back. But then I realized it was the Christmas season, so I took it a little farther and asked "How is your day going?" The coworker began to chat on and on about their day and how it was bad and how they just wanted to go home and cry. So, I took it one step further and I actually listened and thought about how I'd feel if I was having that bad of a day. Then, I took it even further by giving the coworker advise on how they can make a change. Then I even took it even further and suggested that she sleep with me.


Christmas Shopping Brings Out the Best in Me


As I've said before, science tells us a lot about the human spirit. Especially the Christmas Spirit. In Darwin's book On the Origin of Species he said it best when he said that the Christmas Spirit is an inalienable right and that all Americans should come together under one banner of Christmas peace. I keep that in mind when I go Christmas shopping. It's not every year that you get to go out and buy things for other people. Sure, there are birthdays, but it's not the same - there's no Christmas Spirit. So, I go to all the various stores and buy Christmas gifts with the Christmas Spirit in mind. I think "Cathy will like this vase." Or "Dennis would really enjoy this loaf of bread." By the time it's time to buy for me, I'm all worn out. I usually say "Tom would really love this bottle of Scotch. Even though I know he is supposed to not be drinking." After I drink the Scotch, I usually have even more Christmas Spirit and I start buying myself more gifts. Like cocaine.


My Favorite Christmas Carol


Probably my favorite Christmas carol is Little Drummer Guy. It's that song with the Ta Dudda Duh Da. I love that song. Sometimes I'll go to a hockey game and play it on my headphones instead of that Ta Doo Ay HEY Da Da Da song. I prefer Little Drummer Man to that song. So, around Christmas, a hockey game and Little Drummer Guy are definitely a part of my Christmas plan. I make it a tradition. Another Christmas tradition I have is that I eat a lot of cheese.


The Noblest Tree


The Noble Fir is probably the noblest tree; not just because of it's name, but because it's very noble to be called the Noble Fir and not feel embarrassed about it.


Hanukah: Festival of Lights


Normally when I meet people of different faiths, colors, and sexualities, I make a point of telling them that I'm not a racist and they of course can be my friends. That's why I was surprised when Barry Werner didn't invite me to his Hanukah: Festival of Lights. I would imagine if it's a festival, I could get involved. Maybe run the Ferris wheel or something. But I never was invited. I guess when it comes to people of faiths, the best faith is to have no faith at all.


Black Friday


The other day I was having a conversation with a African American gentleman about Christmas.
Me: So, how was Black Friday?
African American: Great. I got a Wii for the kids for Christmas.
Me: Wait - I thought you celebrated Black Friday?
Then he looked at me weird. I guess you can celebrate both.


I Apologize for the Last Two Entries


After a long and hard look at my last two posts I have decided to feel bad about them. I'm not going to take them down, but I feel that they probably could hurt someone's feelings. So, I want you to know I feel bad. Even if I still find them funny.


New Years is All About Redemption


I try to make New Years Resolutions every five years. That way, I have plenty of time to get things done. So far, I'm in the third year of my last list of resolutions and I still have yet to tame a wild Tiger, but I have tried crack cocaine and slept with a midget.


Honey, It's Time to Talk


The other day I noticed that my wife Barbara was having trouble tolerating me. We were at a party and I kept telling my joke about necrophilia and she kept giving me that eye. You know, the one that says "Don't tell jokes about sleeping with dead bodies to the people I work with." Well, I said to myself, we'll see about that. So, I went up to her and said "Honey, it's time we had a talk." Right in front of her boss. She told me "In a sec." But I kept insisting, until five minutes later she came outside on the deck with me. That's when I told her I had farted about five minutes before.