Nutcracker Sweet

To: Amy Rance
From: Tom Dryer
RE: Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker
Mrs. Rance,
I noticed earlier this week that you had erected a Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker in the lobby.
I have no problem with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker; Christmas is a holiday that should be celebrated by all, no matter what their faith.
However, I have noticed that the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker is not as he seems.
My first encounter with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker was on Monday when, as I was walking in, I noticed that it winked at me.
I am not fond of spirits or pharmecuticals. I do not partake in "partying" and have never been diagnosed with any severe mental problem that you know of. So, it's my reasoning, and my reasoning at the time, that the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker actually took on some form of animation and performed the supernatural task of winking wood upon wood in a suggestive tone to yours truly.
I found this reprehensible, and when I approached the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker, it had the nerve to remain in its previous solid wood state, only making a joke of my attempts to converse with it. In fact, some other associates took to giggling at my expense.
But Tis the season, and I took the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker's antics in jest and merely gawfawed and walked upstairs to my respective workstation.
The following day (Tuesday), when I was walking in from my morning constitutional, I found the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker following me. At first it was just a flash of blue ascending the staircase. I decided I had had too much coffee, just as it made its presence known in the Men's quarters near the sink as I washed my hands. It lifted its arms and put them to either side of its face and then stuck its long Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker tongue at me and then ran from the bathroom.
My shock was was most immediate and I decided to leave work early to gather my wits in order to come into work today and write you.
Upon arriving at work today, the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker approached me holding what I assume to have been a wreath with a large mace attached to the end of it. The spikey ball dangled from the ornamental branch in a suggestion of violence.
I am not one to tussel in public with wooden dolls, and therefore I left Lake Place 1.
Eventually, I was able to make it in to work, graple up the side of the building and enter through the roof where I was able to reach my desk and write you.
I would like you to set up a meeting with the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker and the appropriate HR representatives in order to mediate this problem. I fully respect the Yuletide Lifesize Nutcracker's right to employment, but I feel that we have a difficult situation that needs to be addressed.
Regards,
Tom Dryer