Animal Farm

Pigs and Goats

It has been my experience that if you see a pig or a goat, chances are, you're on a farm. Like this one time I was walking around and right in front of me is this goat behind a fence. Well, it only took me a sideways glance to see that there was a pig about 10 feet away from me behind another fence. I put two and two together and decided I was on a farm. Well, guess what? I wasn't. I was actually at my own house!

Squirrels Do the Funniest Things

So, I have a walnut tree in my backyard – well, it's not really my backyard, it's the apartment complex's property. But it's in back of my – actually it's in front of my apartment, but I live in the back of the building. Wait – squirrels!

A Myth About Bears

A lot of people will tell you that bears are super dangerous animals and that you should never approach them. This is wise thinking, however, all in all the average bear isn't that dangerous. Science tells us that it's only when you try to kill their cubs that they get mad. So, approach the bears politely and never try to kill the cubs; otherwise, the bear will get really angry and flail its arms and shoot taffy at you.

How Do Birds Build Nests?

By and large, science tells us that birds build nests out of sticks, bark, and whatever they can find to do the job. Science also tells us that the nest must be warm and capable of withstanding the enormous forces of gravity. So, let's say you are a bird and you're thinking of making a nest out of staples. Well, tough luck, bird.

Road Kill is Nature's Way of Saying Survival of the Fittest

Survival of the fittest is a phrase used to explain Darwinian evolutionary aspects as related to the survival of a specimen or species. So, for instant, the dinosaurs were not as fit as humans, so they couldn't get laid. You had all these dinosaurs that were out of shape and all these humans that were body builders – who do you think was getting laid? The tubby dinosaurs? And since the dino genes are recessive, a human could mate with a dinosaur or another human and still get a human. That's why Scottish people are weird looking. So, now take the Roadkill, an animal that has faltered ever since the beginning of the 20th century due to it's inability to outsmart another species – the Car. That's what that song Cars was about.

I Bet You Were Wondering Who Would Win a Fight Between a Goat and a Lampshade

No, but really – who would win a fight between a goat and a lampshade? Goats are very mighty and have thin tempers. However, if the lampshade were sentient, science tells us it could kill the goat by depriving the goat of sunlight. So, maybe at first the goat would seem to win, but after awhile – boy, I'm telling you!

I Could Eat a Whole Cow

A lot of times when I'm hungry I will say "Boy, I could eat a whole cow." But science tells us that the mass of a cow is typically more than the mass of a human. So, if you tried to eat a whole cow, the cow would rip out of your skin as you ate it. So, when you say "I could eat a whole cow" what you're really saying is that you want to commit suicide. And that's sad.

Faster – Eagle or Thrash Metal

Science tells us that the speed of light is the fastest you can go. But science also tells us that sound is really fast as well. So, what would win? "Disposable Heroes" by Metallica, or an eagle? Well, to perform this experiment, I bought an Eagle and the "Master of Puppets" album and instructed the eagle to carry a boom box playing "Disposable Heroes" over the span of a mile. What would happen first? Would I hear the song or would the Eagle land back in my hand? Of course, I would see the eagle first, because light is always the winner. But that didn't happen. Nothing happened. The Eagle flew away, never to return. So, the only thing I proved was that eagles are sore losers, because you know I would have heard that song coming.