Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Phil Hornback: Nature Lover

On the trail, one can never be too careful, that's why Phil had brought a shotgun. He explained to Margaret "The natives here can be quite dangerous, and if they sense that we are a danger to them, they may attack. That's why I always carry this." Phil showed Margaret his Kazoo.

"The trouble with nature is that the further you get into it, the harder it is to get out." Phil told Margaret as they both held on for dear life from the branch at the top of the canyon.
"Phil, I love you." Margaret wept.
"God, you and nature both."

After relieving himself on a small fern, Phil told the Samsum to translate to the natives his desire to pee on every fern until they made him an acceptable toilet.

"I guess my favorite animal of the North is the giant polar bear, Margaret. As dangerous as a crocodile, it has no remorse for humans who journey into its path."
"Will we see a polar bear?"
Phil rubbed his chin. "Margaret, we plan to live WITH the polar bears."
"But how?"
"With these." And Phil pulled out some safety goggles.

Near the edge of the ice, Phil stared out at the thousands of penguins that approached. "Take me to your leader." Phil joked.
The penguin's approach went on and Phil realized he was their leader. "Brothers and sisters! I am here to free you from this icy prison!" And Phil ran at the birds thinking they would fly away.
Phil was a bad penguin leader.

"A fire is a good way to signal to the rest of the jungle that you are king." Phil said as he dumped gasoline on the abandoned temple.

The ocean's floor is a bastion of life and Phil moved across it, searching for the rare conch.
"The floor of the ocean is teaming with life. There's so much of it, it's hard to find the life you're looking for. Some people live their whole life without finding it. But here it is. And now we're gonna eat it."

"The savagery of the butchers is startling. Look at this elephant, everything but the tusks. To these poachers, this animal is nothing but tusks. Take you, for instance, Margaret. What if I just took your teeth and then left you for dead."
"But I can live without teeth."
"That's right! These elephants were just so vain they gave up!"

After nine years in the Australian Outback, Phil regarded his relationship to the country. "When I came here, I expected nothing. And I found nothing. And now that I'm leaving, I realize that this continent is one big waste of time. Why nine years? Because Americans are wasteful people, and I will always be an American."

Phil worked the Rubik's Cube until the entire square was painted in solid colors. He showed it to the Spider Monkey and the primate went to work on one of his own. "It's not that he's going to solve it, it's that he thinks he can solve it that makes it so funny."

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