Bruce Darren M.D.

Bruce Darren MD

Pediatrics

"Doctor Darren to pediatrics." The voice over the intercom said.
"I'm sorry, Lashelle, but I have to go." Doctor Darren got up from his swivel chair and took off his glasses. "There's a problem in pediatrics."
"But Doctor Darren! My baby! Is she gonna be alright?" The woman was crying.
"Mrs. Rogers, your baby is going to be fine. And, like I said, I have to get to pediatrics."
"But Doctor! You said she had a defective heart!"
"Mrs. Rogers, yes, I said she had a defective heart, but that just means she won't be able to love."
"How could you possibly know that?"
"I have to get to pediatrics!" With that, Darren ran out of the room.

The Anatomy of a Baby

"Doctor, this baby is convulsing!" Nurse Plato screamed from the other room.
"Plato! Is that you! Where are you!" Doctor Darren dropped his stethoscope and ran out of the bathroom.
"Doctor, I'm in here."
"What? I can't tell where you are! Is there a Coke machine where you are?"
"No. There's a Sprite machine."
"That's the same thing. Blast you!" Darren ran to the room with the Coke machine. "Wait a minute. This IS a Coke only machine! Is yours a Sprite only machine!?"
"Yes, doctor!"
Darren opened the door. "There you are!"
"Doctor, the baby is dead." Nurse Plato said gravely.
"Damn these uniform soda machines!" Darren said as he shook his fist at God.

The Regional Administrator

"Doctor Darren! The Regional Administrator is in your office. He says you're being tried for…murder." Nurse Plato made her shocked face.
"Murder, huh? Murder of what?"
"A boy."
"A human boy?"
"It doesn't say."
"Does it have a name?"
"Curt Brady."
"That was no murder! Where is he?" Darren ran to his office and opened the door. "I did not murder Curt Brady!" He yelled at the administrator.
"Prove it!" The administrator yelled back.
"Alright. But this is the last time." Darren put his hand on the table and the Administrator did the same. They placed the tips of their thumbs together and had it out.

Exonerated

After winning the thumb wrestling challenge, Doctor Darren made the administrator promise he would never charge Doctor Darren with murder again. Even if he did murder someone. By accident or otherwise.
"Nurse Plato! Send in my next patient!" Darren yelled as he booted the administrator out of his office.
"Sally Farms." Plato said as she escorted the young woman into his office.
"Sally Farms, eh? Sally, what have you come to see me about?" Darren asked as he admired his champion thumb.
"Doctor Darren...I have this problem. It seems I can't stop blinking."
"Really?" Darren stroked his chin. He was baffled. "How often do you blink?"
"Maybe 30 times a minute."
"Jesus Christ!" Darren shot from his chair and climbed on his desk. He bent down so he could shout in Sally's face. "Good God! You're telling the truth! You're blinking right now!"
"Doctor, what should I do?"
Darren got off his desk and brushed himself off. "Well, we're going to have to remove your eyelids."
"But how will I sleep?"
"You didn't let me finish. We remove your eye lids and your eyes."
"My eyes!"
"This is never easy." Darren took out a yo-yo and made it sleep.
"But…but I'll never be able to see again!"
Darren put his arm around the woman and let it gently fall to her backside, he turned her around and she realized he was wearing 3D glasses. "Let me do the seeing for us both."

The Plan

"Plato. Darren. My office. Now." Doctor Darren depressed the intercom and sat back in his chair laughing to himself.
"Dr. Darren? What is it?" Nurse Plato was scared.
"Plato, how long have we been doing this?" Darren smiled.
"Doing what?"
"This doctor thing. How long have we been playing doctor and nurse? Isn't it getting old?" Darren sat up and continued smiling.
"Well, I always wanted to be a nurse."
"And I've always wanted to be a doctor. But doctor is just not cutting it for me anymore. I have a plan."
"What kind of plan?""A dental plan."

The Dental Plan

"But Darren, this is crazy. This whole dental plan…how will you pull it off?" Plato had sat down. Her whole life had been turned upside down.
"Easy, Plato. I have my reservations as well. But if I sit back and ignore this whole…dental plan, I may never see my dreams fulfilled."
"OK, Doctor. How do we get started?"
"Well, first we'll need some teeth. Then, from there, it's just a matter of raking in the money."
"I have teeth."
"Yes, you do. And so do I. Now we just need a rake."
They both put their fingers to the sides of their temples and thought.
"I've got it!" Darren got up and ran into the ER room. "Boys! Boys!" He yelled at the ER doctors working on the ER patients.
"What is it, Doctor?" A Doctor with blood all over him asked Darren as lifted that round metal thing from away from his eye.
"I need a rake!" Darren yelled.
"Doctor, this patient swallowed a rake just this morning!"
Darren looked directly at you, the reader, stroked his chin and said "Lady luck smiles on me today."

Insurance Fraud

"Doctor Darren!"
Darren looked at the pile of cash on the floor and quickly raked it under his desk. "Yes. What is it?" He put down the rake and walked up to the closed door that Plato was speaking though.
"Doctor Darren –"
"Quit calling me that! I'm a dentist now!" Darren shouted through the door. "And, no, I don't have any money for you to borrow!" Then, under his breath "Lousy bloodsucker."
"No, Bruce, it's the Administrator –""That lousy bum. What does he want?" Darren threw the rake under the desk.
"He says that there are a number of patients committing insurance fraud and that you should be on the look out." Plato said as the door opened.
Darren let just his eye be seen through the door. "Really." He shook his head and Plato could see his eye bob up and down. "And where should I be looking?"
"He didn't say." She followed his eye. It went for her chest and she covered her cleavage with her hand.
"Shouldn't I be looking there?" The eye asked.
"Doctor…I'm married."
"But your marriage is a fraud. An insurance fraud!" The eyebrow above the eye lifted.

Medical Waste

"Yes. Darren here. Yes. I did. Sure." Doctor Darren laughed into the phone. "Well, she had it coming. Insurance fraud. Yes. Fired. Just now. I know. I have to go. I have to go. Alright. OK. Thanks, Nurse Plato." He hung up the phone and asked himself "Now why would Nurse Plato be so inquisitive about her own firing that happened just seconds ago?"
"Doctor Darren!" The administrator rushed into Darren's office. "Why did you fire Nurse Plato?"
"I had to. She was cramping my style. Look, you told me to look for insurance fraud and I found it. Now, let's just give me the Cadillac and pretend this never happened." Darren put on his sunglasses.
"Bruce, listen. We can't fire Plato for insurance fraud.""Why not?"
"Because it's been me all along."
Darren took off his sunglasses and stood up. "Are you telling me this entire time you were the culprit?"The Administrator bit his lip. "Yes. I'm so sorry."
Darren went wide-eyed. "But how?"
The Administrator pulled a rake from behind his back. "With this."