Ryan Harper

Ryan Harper: Sarcastic DA

Rebuttal

"Oh, it's my turn already? Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I welcome you to my rebuttal. It goes like this: that man is guilty! How guilty? Let me put it to you this way: he admitted to murdering that woman. Not in real life, but in his head. He's admitting it now. In fact, he's secretly hoping you'll give him the death penalty because he knows he deserves it. That's how guilty he is."

Evidence

"Oh, it's my turn already? Well then, let's take a look at the evidence. A soiled shoe. That's all this man has to prove that he didn't steal that car? A soiled shoe? I have soiled shoes, and I didn't steal that car. I guess that means that the defendant didn't either? In fact, everyone in this entire world, if they have shoes, they are soiled. That means no one in the world has ever stolen a car! Imagine that!"

Lunch Break

"Oh, it's my turn already? Well then, I guess I'll just have a hotdog, considering that's all you serve. Oh, sure, put some mustard on it. Oh my God, I'm so privileged. I mean, everybody gets mustard unless they ask for no mustard. But I guess I'm special. Oh, please talk to me about how you once punched a guy for saying less than that to you. Oh, I'm soooooo impressed."

Back to Work

"Oh, is it my turn already? Well then, sure, let the jury deliberate. Let them all enter that room and talk about the trial like they have law degrees and didn't just get a week off from checking Mr. Clean on aisle twelve. Oh, I'm so impressed. What do you think they'll come up with? Guilty or innocent? Maybe, if we're lucky, we'll get another innocent spelled with two S's. I can't hardly wait."

Knowing How to Lose

"Oh, is it my turn already? OK, well, gee golly gosh! I can't believe the killer went free! I mean, with that crack team of super sleuths trying to remember cursive in order to sign their releases from jury – how could he not be innocent? Really! I mean, put those chimps in a room and you'll get a regular Magna Carte. I guess the dead give away that I might lose this case is when Juror three answered "How old are you?" with a letter. Nonetheless, it's been a fine job performed by the lot of you. I can't wait to see you sea monkeys at the voting both this November. Way to go!"

Divorce Court

"Oh, is it my turn already? Well then, let me play this tape. Do you hear that? That's this woman over here screwing that man over there. You hear that? That's this woman over here saying that man over there's name. Now, let's look at the video. That's that woman over there with all her clothes off, having sex with that man over there with all of his clothes off. Do you see what I'm driving at here, people? I mean, I'm a DA, I took this case for fun."