John G. Krebs for Senate

John G. Krebs: Overfinanced Politician

Not a Right Wing Nut

(Int. John in medical scrubs in doctor's office)

JOHN: Hello, fellow Kentuckians. I'm John G. Krebs, and I'm running for Senate. (CUT TO CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S FACE) Folks, my opponent is passing me off as a right wing radical. He thinks that you folks are too blind to see me for what I really am: one of you. (PAN OUT TO JOHN SMILING) Well, I'd like to prove to you, today, that I am.

(Cue pregnant woman being carried into doctor's office kicking and screaming, follow until she is laid on operating table and is strapped down)

(Cut to JOHN with scalpel and pregnant woman)

JOHN: Folks, today I'll be performing an abortion. And not just a regular one, this is against the will of a 33-year-old Catholic woman. So, the next time you hear that John G. Krebs is a radical, I want you to remember this. (CUT FROM JOHN MOVING SCALPEL TOWARDS WOMAN TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

One of You

(Int. John in front of fire hearth wearing a plaid black and red sportman's shirt)

JOHN: Hello, folks. Many of you have been assaulted by my opponent's negative campaign ads painting me as some sort of elitist liberal who performs abortions on live TV. (CUT TO SIDE CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S FACE) Well, that's just not true. I'm one of you. I grew up in a small shanty and was raised by heathen cavemen who hunted food with their bare hands. (CUT TO CLOSE UP OF JOHN'S BARE HANDS) As I grew up, I became accustomed to lumberjacking and lumberjacking garments, like this one (CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF JOHN TOUCHING HIS COLLAR) And like most of you, I don't wear any faggoty earrings (CUT TO JOHN'S EAR) Folks, this campaign for Kentucky is about one thing: truth. The truth is, if I weren't (PULL BACK FROM EAR TO SIDE SHOT) here making this commercial, I'd be at home, drinking a beer and eating pork rinds. (CUT TO SHOT OF BEER AND PORK RINDS STOWED UNDER COFFEE TABLE) (CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF JOHN IN FRONT OF FIRE HEARTH) Not only that, I'd probably be drinking so much beer that I'd have beaten my wife by now. And I'm talking bloody. A good, relentless beating that the next several weeks she'll have to explain that she wasn't just hit by the refrigerator door, a truck hit her. (CLOSE UP OF JOHN) A big truck. Folks, I'm just like you and I'll prove it tonight. (ENTER MAN IN BEAR COSTUME) I'll prove it by grappling with this bear. Bare handed. (JOHN STANDS AND MEETS BEAR, MOVES ARMS LIKE HE'S FIGHTING IT) (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

My America

(EXT. JOHN at bar, fighting a man. John takes a few punches, is bloodied, but fights on, leaving his opponent on the ground.)

JOHN: Don't ever try to raise my taxes! (JOHN spits on opponent, walks to the camera as he brushes blood away from his eyes) Hi, I'm John G. Krebs. I'm running for Senate. I just beat that man half to death for trying to raise my taxes. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

DIVIDER

(INT. SMALL RESTAURANT, BLUE COLLAR PEOPLE AROUND JOHN AS HE TALKS TO THEM AND THEY AGREE. JOHN HAS A CHEESEBURGER IN FRONT OF HIM. CUT TO FRONT OF JOHN WITH CHEESEBURGER) Folks, America is a lot like a cheeseburger. Some people want to divide it up. (JOHN PICKS SOME PICKLES OUT OF THE CHEESEBURGER) They want to tell you that these folks are like this (JOHN CONTINUES TO PICK THINGS OUT OF HIS CHEESEBURGER) and these folks are like that. But pretty soon (JOHN PICKS THE CHEESE OUT OF HIS CHEESEBURGER) you don't have a cheeseburger anymore. You have a hamburger. Now as far as I know, there are certain dirty, evil religions that won't let you eat cheese on a burger. That means that this hamburger is a product of evil, dirty religions that want to enslave white men and turn them into beasts of the antichrist. And no one wants that. Or do they (JOHN LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AS A TERRORIST EATS A HAMBURGER BEHIND HIM) (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

CHANGE

(EXT. IN FRONT OF COMMONWEALTH STADIUM)

JOHN: Hi folks. John G. Krebs here. I want to talk to you about change. My opponent has been in office for over 4 years and he's brought nothing but stagnation. For instance, look at this picture of my opponent eating a slice of pizza. (JOHN HOLDS UP PICTURE OF GREG LEWIS EATING PIZZA IN A RESTAURANT) Do you notice anything strange? Isn't that cheese pizza? I guess Greg doesn't like to spice it up. (JOHN PUTS DOWN PICTURE) Take a look at this. (FOLLOW JOHN'S ARM AS HE GESTURES TOWARDS STADIUM) Our beloved Commonwealth Stadium. Well, guess what? (MAGIC SOUNDS AND STARS APPEAR) I've loaded it with hookers!

(INT. COMMONWEALTH STADIUM LOADED WITH HOOKERS)

JOHN VOICEOVER AS WE PAN THROUGH THE STADIUM OF BARELY CLAD BEAUTIFUL WOMEN: Have you ever seen so many hookers? I know I haven't. I said to my campaign manager, why not give the great state of Kentucky some free sex. He said no. I fired him. That's real change. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

Timmy's Birthday

(INT. HANDICAPPED CHILD SITTING AT TABLE WITH BIRTHDAY CAKE IN FRONT OF HIM. NO ONE ELSE IS AT THE TABLE)

JOHN VOICEOVER AS WE SLOWLY ZOOM IN ON TIMMY: Hi folks. John G. Krebs here. This is little Timmy. It's his birthday today, but no one's celebrating. You know why? Timmy is a retard. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)

WAR ON TERROR

(AL QUEDA TRAINING FOOTAGE WITH JOHN'S VOICE OVER)

JOHN: We've all seen this footage before. Terrorists training to kill Americans. It gets me angry. Hi folks, I'm John G. Krebs. I'm running for Senate against Greg Lewis. Greg Lewis says he didn't train these terrorists, but can you really believe him? Greg Lewis is a veteran of three wars. Now, who could have better trained these terrorists? Me, the guy who was taking philosophy classes and smoking reefer, or my opponent, the guy who was training Green Berets in Iraq? I think you get my drift. I'll even say it. (GREG LEWIS TRAINED AL QUEDA IN LARGE LETTERS SUPERIMPOSED ON TRAINING VIDEO) Greg Lewis trained our enemy. (CUT TO CAMPAIGN LOGO)