So, not the best movie. Not the worst. The guy who played Rove stunk. Same with the guy who did Powell. Everyone came off as not that bad of guys (even Cheney) and no conspiracies were brought up.
Which begs the question – is Oliver Stone a new man?
Possibly, but I think it all had more to do with showing Bush as a human being. Which makes me wonder why conservatives hated the movie.
Well, here's a scene.
W: Poppy, I have picked daisies for you. Would you care to eat some? (W hands his father a coconut)
Poppy: Son, they are…lovely. (Poppy accepts the coconut)
What stone is trying to show here is that W is forever trying to have his father acknowledge him as an equal…or maybe even a son.
Like this:
W: Poppy, you wanna play Punch Out?
Poppy: Not now, George. I have this State of the Union to write.
W: (looking forlorn) OK, that's cool. I'll just go driving around the yard again.
Poppy: On second thought. (Poppy raises an eyebrow, canned laughter plays)
What Stone has accomplished is the humanizing of a man that 62% of Americans want behind bars. No matter what your opinion of Bush is, you have to accept him as a human – that is our jobs as humans. Stone is trying to say, here you go, liberals, this is the guy you hate, now try to hate him.
And we can't. We see that G.W. is human like us. I know I've spent most of my entire life living off of whatever is the easiest piece of meat to chew. Who wouldn't take advantage of that. But there are consequences.
W: Poppy, Poppy, I made a fire in the sink! (W is scared)
Poppy: Where? Let me see. (Poppy follows W into the living room) Son, that's OK, that's not a sink. That's a fireplace.
W: Then I made two fires! (starts crying)
President Bush was a man of action. He prided himself in being the Decider. That's a heavy burden to pick up and go with. When was the last time you made a decision, a quick one, in order to save lives? You don’t always have the time to think about the moral certitude involved.
Laura Bush is also an important character in this movie as the loving wife, who begrudgingly supports her husband because she loves him.
Laura: Geo, you need to stop. Your boozing is ruining our marriage. You can't just keep drinking your way through life without serious repercussions. I don't want to be one of them. (crying)
W: Darling, when you married me you knew that I drank.
Laura: Not like this. Not at this time of the day. And not when your wife is crying – trying to save what's left of this marriage! (grabs W's arm and turns him toward her) I won't quit you, but you must quit it. (points to the bottle of Hawaiian Punch on the dresser)
W: The guy on the label looks happy.
Laura: He is happy. (stroking W's back) But you aren't.
W's substance abuse problems are well documented and it doesn't take a Dailykos subscriber to realize the man had some issues at an early age. Who hasn't had a drinking problem? Unless you're Mormon or Amish or deer, you've gone through a point in your life when you drank 8 or 39 beers a day. It's natural. But people grow. Take for instance my Mom, she had a cocaine problem a week ago, but was able to accept Buddha and become a 12 stepper.
W: Please, reverend, pray with me.
Reverend: (both bow heads) Dear father, help me grow tits so that I can be a woman again. I have sinned ever so in the Barking Lamb casino and I need to grow the wings that will deliver me into the inferno of your heart. Let me be you Skynrd and I will be your Lynrd.
W: You aren't my reverend.
Reverend: (raises eyebrows twice)
There's much uncertainty in W's life. From WMDs to Somalia pirates, a cast of characters emerges that frames the President as a man who must dodge in and out of life like a raccoon on a freeway. It becomes clear that it is hard to criticize a man on fire and W is a man who is like a raccoon on a freeway, only he's also on fire.
Pirate: Walk the plank! (points sword at plank)
W: Never. Not until you free my people.
Pirate: Your people are finished! Finished!
Laura: Actually, I'm still eating. So is Jeb.
W: You're wrecking it! (pan out to theme restaurant)
All in all, no one is going to agree on this movie. Some will say it's too hard on Bush (tee) and some are going to say that it wasn't hard enough (tee hee). But I think we can all agree that this movie comes in DVD form and has an FBI warning.
Thank you for taking the time to read my review.
Ronald
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
How Changeling Could Have Been Less Miserable
This movie was miserable.
It starts out in 1928 where Angela Jolie is a woman on roller skates. This is foreshadowing for how happy and care free this movie is. She wears the roller skates at work where, apparently, OSHA has yet to come into existance.
Her job is to patch telephone calls to other telephone calls, as you do if you're a woman in the…before 1994.
See, the movie is about female empowerment, and what better way to show it than casting a woman with lips as big as trampolines and a flair for roaming the Earth for orphans.
Soon, we realize this woman is the mother of a boy she likes to neglect. Leaving him home while she goes to work overtime (I'm assuming to buy more children or roller skates), the child is abducted by the Joker.
Seriously, the guy turns out to be the Joker. If you don't believe me watch the last half hour or so.
With her child gone, the woman is distraught, so she roams the Earth stealing children.
No, that doesn't happen, but it's Jolie and you can totally see that happening, so let's just go with that.
She's saved all this money up from overtime and not paying for daycare that she's totally set to make a worldwide journey nabbing children in revenge for the Joker's abduction of her own child.
She makes her way around the globe and this is when the movie goes musical:
I am a woman of worth
I neither like conception or birth
I will pick my children from all over the Earth
Whether Japanese or Crete
Whether African or Filip
I will collect them all
From May until Fall
As I see fit
For you see a doll won't do
I need the real thing
Just like you (as she snatches an Armenian)
And the land will love me
The press will hug me
For all the love I give
This is how a proper woman should live
So, she continues snatching children, but her shenanigans catch the attention of another globe trotter – Santa Claus. He's noticed that he's making more and more deliveries around the Los Angeles area, and less and less in third world countries. So, he starts to wonder whether there is some sort of crisis. That's when he runs into Jolie in Zimbabwe and puts two and two together and discovers one dirigible sized pair of lips.
So, Santa has it out with her how globalization is ruining cultures and she's the spokesperson for it. But she counters with her lips and Santa goes all mooshy and she takes off into the sky on his sleigh. Now she's got real freedom to globetrot.
Well, the movie goes on and there's more singing as the children begin to question Jolie's real motives and find that she's either insane from the Joker stealing her child, or so in love with her own lips that she's harvesting the children for skin grafts.
Of course the latter is true.
This piques the interest of the Joker, who is also into big lips. He decides that his chicken coop of children is but a pittance compared to Jolie's virtual Neverland, so he decides to hunt her down and take over her child farm.
Well, who should he meet on the way: Santa. Now Santa doesn't like the Joker's children killing policy, but he sure as hell isn't going to be able to stop him until he has his sleigh back.
So, an unholy alliance is made and the hunt for Jolie is on!
They track her down to Tripoli, where she is stealing Qaddafi's grandchildren. The General finds the trio in his living room and goes ape. He calls security forces and Santa tries to explain himself to Muslims, which really pisses them off, so they begin firing.
Santa, shot to all hell falls to the ground, where Jolie uses his body for armor. Joker isn't having this, so he picks up a gun and begins firing at Jolie/Santa. Eventually, Joker is shot in the chest, but manages to escape in a helicopter Dick Cheney has flown in for absolutely no reason.
Jolie makes it out of the compound, ditches the husk of Santa and the final scene is Jolie holding a Joker card.
Good God this would be rad!
It starts out in 1928 where Angela Jolie is a woman on roller skates. This is foreshadowing for how happy and care free this movie is. She wears the roller skates at work where, apparently, OSHA has yet to come into existance.
Her job is to patch telephone calls to other telephone calls, as you do if you're a woman in the…before 1994.
See, the movie is about female empowerment, and what better way to show it than casting a woman with lips as big as trampolines and a flair for roaming the Earth for orphans.
Soon, we realize this woman is the mother of a boy she likes to neglect. Leaving him home while she goes to work overtime (I'm assuming to buy more children or roller skates), the child is abducted by the Joker.
Seriously, the guy turns out to be the Joker. If you don't believe me watch the last half hour or so.
With her child gone, the woman is distraught, so she roams the Earth stealing children.
No, that doesn't happen, but it's Jolie and you can totally see that happening, so let's just go with that.
She's saved all this money up from overtime and not paying for daycare that she's totally set to make a worldwide journey nabbing children in revenge for the Joker's abduction of her own child.
She makes her way around the globe and this is when the movie goes musical:
I am a woman of worth
I neither like conception or birth
I will pick my children from all over the Earth
Whether Japanese or Crete
Whether African or Filip
I will collect them all
From May until Fall
As I see fit
For you see a doll won't do
I need the real thing
Just like you (as she snatches an Armenian)
And the land will love me
The press will hug me
For all the love I give
This is how a proper woman should live
So, she continues snatching children, but her shenanigans catch the attention of another globe trotter – Santa Claus. He's noticed that he's making more and more deliveries around the Los Angeles area, and less and less in third world countries. So, he starts to wonder whether there is some sort of crisis. That's when he runs into Jolie in Zimbabwe and puts two and two together and discovers one dirigible sized pair of lips.
So, Santa has it out with her how globalization is ruining cultures and she's the spokesperson for it. But she counters with her lips and Santa goes all mooshy and she takes off into the sky on his sleigh. Now she's got real freedom to globetrot.
Well, the movie goes on and there's more singing as the children begin to question Jolie's real motives and find that she's either insane from the Joker stealing her child, or so in love with her own lips that she's harvesting the children for skin grafts.
Of course the latter is true.
This piques the interest of the Joker, who is also into big lips. He decides that his chicken coop of children is but a pittance compared to Jolie's virtual Neverland, so he decides to hunt her down and take over her child farm.
Well, who should he meet on the way: Santa. Now Santa doesn't like the Joker's children killing policy, but he sure as hell isn't going to be able to stop him until he has his sleigh back.
So, an unholy alliance is made and the hunt for Jolie is on!
They track her down to Tripoli, where she is stealing Qaddafi's grandchildren. The General finds the trio in his living room and goes ape. He calls security forces and Santa tries to explain himself to Muslims, which really pisses them off, so they begin firing.
Santa, shot to all hell falls to the ground, where Jolie uses his body for armor. Joker isn't having this, so he picks up a gun and begins firing at Jolie/Santa. Eventually, Joker is shot in the chest, but manages to escape in a helicopter Dick Cheney has flown in for absolutely no reason.
Jolie makes it out of the compound, ditches the husk of Santa and the final scene is Jolie holding a Joker card.
Good God this would be rad!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Randy the Truck Driver
Randy pulled into the truck stop and opened up his cooler, took out a V8 and drank deeply. It was a long haul from Mira Loma to Spokane. He would need all the power of the vegetable drink to stay awake. That and his bag of cocaine.
Randy was just near San Francisco when he decided to stop the truck and catch some Z's. But first he needed some milk, so he stopped into a truck stop and was approached by a small boy. "Does that truck turn into a robot?"
Randy asked the boy.
When Randy woke up it was near midnight. He had lost 9 hours he would never get back, unless he got two of those 5-hour energy things.
It was early morning and the beauty of Nevada made Randy pause.
Pause to realize he was going the wrong way that is.
Back in California, Randy figured he'd lost a good day of driving. He could only make this time up if he drove without sleep for another day. He'd done it many times, but this time, he'd have to drive without sleep with a large walrus in the passenger's seat.
When Randy pulled into the diner, he got some pretty fishy looks. He was tired, he knew this, but what he didn't know was that he pulled into the diner in the literal way.
Before long the cops had come and Randy had to explain his situation. "What with the walrus and all."
"What walrus?"
"The one that drove the truck into the diner."
"That walrus can drive!"
Before long, Randy had sold the driving walrus to the police and left the diner a free man. A calm came over Randy as he realized he would not get the shipment to the destination on time. He'd take a cut in pay, but it would be well worth it to get a good night's sleep. He let his eyes drift and slept. He dreamed of the driving walrus and how much fun they had driving Sea Monkeys cross country.
Randy was just near San Francisco when he decided to stop the truck and catch some Z's. But first he needed some milk, so he stopped into a truck stop and was approached by a small boy. "Does that truck turn into a robot?"
Randy asked the boy.
When Randy woke up it was near midnight. He had lost 9 hours he would never get back, unless he got two of those 5-hour energy things.
It was early morning and the beauty of Nevada made Randy pause.
Pause to realize he was going the wrong way that is.
Back in California, Randy figured he'd lost a good day of driving. He could only make this time up if he drove without sleep for another day. He'd done it many times, but this time, he'd have to drive without sleep with a large walrus in the passenger's seat.
When Randy pulled into the diner, he got some pretty fishy looks. He was tired, he knew this, but what he didn't know was that he pulled into the diner in the literal way.
Before long the cops had come and Randy had to explain his situation. "What with the walrus and all."
"What walrus?"
"The one that drove the truck into the diner."
"That walrus can drive!"
Before long, Randy had sold the driving walrus to the police and left the diner a free man. A calm came over Randy as he realized he would not get the shipment to the destination on time. He'd take a cut in pay, but it would be well worth it to get a good night's sleep. He let his eyes drift and slept. He dreamed of the driving walrus and how much fun they had driving Sea Monkeys cross country.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Obama's Speech to Progressives
Thank you. Thank you.
Almost four months ago, you, the American people, elected I President. I ran on a banner of change. And I am here to say change has come.
From the halls of Chicago, to the streets of D.C., I have come to change the platform I ran on.
Folks, it's cool to be a progressive when you're young or poor, but think about I.
Today I would like to take a moment of silence to first thank our former President George W. Bush for the bridges he built that let I stand before you here today and say this Fuck Progressives.
That's right. From your Michael Moore's to your guy in the front row who security is escorting out, your time is over.
Much like the Sith Lord and his apprentice, Dick Cheney and I are still running the show. And let me say this – quit blogging my website for legalized marijuana.
And quit asking about stem cells, wiretaps, executive privilege and Bagram.
With the economy in the pooper, and crime souring, it is time you accept that your son or daughter will be in Bagram or serving in our new People's Corps where they will toil days and nights painting the outside of the CDC.
The days of milk and honey are over and we need to all do our part to pitch in and make certain that you continue to pay for I and my colleague's mistakes.
Hope must be earned.
Sure, you may have lost your job and feel slighted by bailouts to companies that aren't even technically American, but we can't get through this thing divided. No, we must continue to be united under I. Whether you be working at GM in Detroit, Russia, or China.
And let me say to those of you who would protest – we will lock you up.
I hope that this message reaches each and everyone of you, as I Blackberry it to your phones that I have already tapped, let no man feel his government owes him anything, and let that man continue to be owned by his government. That is owned with a P, folks.
So, to conclude, Earth, Wind, and Fire will perform for my daughters in a private room that you aren't invited to.
God bless America!
Almost four months ago, you, the American people, elected I President. I ran on a banner of change. And I am here to say change has come.
From the halls of Chicago, to the streets of D.C., I have come to change the platform I ran on.
Folks, it's cool to be a progressive when you're young or poor, but think about I.
Today I would like to take a moment of silence to first thank our former President George W. Bush for the bridges he built that let I stand before you here today and say this Fuck Progressives.
That's right. From your Michael Moore's to your guy in the front row who security is escorting out, your time is over.
Much like the Sith Lord and his apprentice, Dick Cheney and I are still running the show. And let me say this – quit blogging my website for legalized marijuana.
And quit asking about stem cells, wiretaps, executive privilege and Bagram.
With the economy in the pooper, and crime souring, it is time you accept that your son or daughter will be in Bagram or serving in our new People's Corps where they will toil days and nights painting the outside of the CDC.
The days of milk and honey are over and we need to all do our part to pitch in and make certain that you continue to pay for I and my colleague's mistakes.
Hope must be earned.
Sure, you may have lost your job and feel slighted by bailouts to companies that aren't even technically American, but we can't get through this thing divided. No, we must continue to be united under I. Whether you be working at GM in Detroit, Russia, or China.
And let me say to those of you who would protest – we will lock you up.
I hope that this message reaches each and everyone of you, as I Blackberry it to your phones that I have already tapped, let no man feel his government owes him anything, and let that man continue to be owned by his government. That is owned with a P, folks.
So, to conclude, Earth, Wind, and Fire will perform for my daughters in a private room that you aren't invited to.
God bless America!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Some Short Stories About Oranges
Violence Breaks Out on My Desk
Earlier this morning, an orange and a bag of cookies were shot on my desk.
Witnesses explained that the fight broke out over a large container of hand lotion.
A can of V8 related the story to the phone "I don't know what started it, but the bag of cookies was laying near the big lotion dispenser, when the orange rolled by. The next thing I knew, the bag of cookies had pulled a gun and was firing. I moved out of the way, and by the time I had managed to pull myself out of the monitor cords, the orange and the bag of cookies were dead."
The phone has told me that other witnesses to the crime included desk fan, Ipod, and cup of coffee. A tablet of paper was injured, but not critically.
The Overbearing Waiter
George and Greg sat down at the Brewery for a beer.
They began to chat as two menus slowly rose from behind the other side of the table.
"What the fuck?" Greg asked.
"Menus?" It was the overbearing waiter. He was slowly emerging. "Hello, my name is Renault. I'll be your waiter.
George said "OK, good. Could I just get a Budweiser."
"Sure. And for you?" The waiter asked Greg.
"Bud Light."
"Awesome, I'll be right back." The waiter then slowly lowered himself down the side of the table until he was out of view.
"What the fuck was that about?" Greg asked.
"That's the overbearing waiter, he's here all the time."
"What's his problem?"
"I don't know. I guess a guest once choked to death on –"
"I'm back." It was Renault. "Two Buds. One sans calories." He smiled.
The two men took their drinks. The waiter stayed put and watched the men. George motioned to Greg to sip his beer and he did.
"How is the draft?" Renault asked.
"Um, great." Greg said.
"Splendid." And with that, the waiter slowly descended before crawling back to the bar out of sight.
"Dude! That is fucking crazy."
"You're telling me."
"Man. Say, you ever wonder what would happen if there was an earthquake? Would they make you pay your bill?"
George asked "You mean here?"
"I mean anywhere. I mean, you wouldn't –"
"Of course not. In fact, you'd probably be provided with free food until emergency support comes." It was Renault again. "So, have you fellas decided on food yet?"
"Nah. Not yet." Greg said.
The waiter continued to wait until George nudged Greg and they both began looking over their menus.
"Uh, the bacon burger."
"Excellent."
"Same."
"Most excellent.
Soon the burgers arrived.
"How is everything?"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"How are we doing?"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Could I –"
"Dude, fuck off!"
"Any mustard or Ranch?"
"Seriously, I just want to eat in peace."
"Would you like a finger bowl?"
"Please. For the love of God go away."
"Any more drafts?"
Before anyone had a chance to do or say anything else, the orange rolled out and shot them all.
THE LAND BEFORE TIMEX
What time is it?
??????
Your Stimulus Bill is Fershit
Sure, I'll hold.
Yeah, this is Ray Davies, South Carolina. I just wanted to call and say your stimulus bill sucks some major dick there, fella.
You got all this garbage about infrastructure and redoing the CDC and shit, but you got no game. You got no tax cuts or shit that would work to trickle them dollars down, fool.
I wrote about nine stimulus bills last Saturday that would run circles around your shit. Like this one:
A) Make a moon lander
B) Take moon lander to moon
That's some fucking stimuli right there, pal. You just got all this shit about THAT ORANGE HAS A GUN!!!!
The Back Massager, They Called Him
He walked in through the door and immediately a shudder ran through the room.
We'd heard stories about him and what he'd done down in HR. But now he was here.
All but the bravest women crouched low to avoid the steely glance he passed across the cubes.
You can never see it coming - just who he will pick. His eyes fell on a new woman to the department. She lowered her head and that just made his hunger stronger. Never expose the shoulders.
Before anyone had a chance to say anything, he was upon her.
"Hey, how's your day?" The hands fell on her shoulders and began moving in unison to bring about the kind of comfort that only exists after pulling a knife from a wound or puking up that ninth shot of Jaegermeister.
The woman sobbed.
"Gosh, this is such a great cube. Is that your son?" Every word was excentuated with the vigorous rubbings only the Back Massager could supply.
His inane conversation bleated on; no one was safe from this vile fallout from the massagings. "That Transformers movie sure is something!" He exclaimed to absolutely no one before he'd pause and talk in a low voice to the victim.
"Do you like that? Does that feel good?" Before getting back to "I wish I could transform!"
There's some things on Earth that shouldn't be…
Riots Swarm My Desk After Shooting
Kelly, I'll tell you, this is the worst I've ever seen. As you can see, the computer monitors have been smashed and cords litter the desk as angry cookies and oranges take to the cubicle.
As we've come to understand, orange and cookie activists are angry to learn that a bag of cookies and an orange were shot on the desk earlier by a plastic container of blueberries. A spokesman for the blueberries has said that the shooting was in self defense, but the lotion dispenser tells another story.
"We had just gotten done being stationary on the desk, when the orange rolled by to say hi. Out of nowhere, the blueberries began shooting at the three of us. The can of V8 and I cowered behind the monitors. It was awful. Just awful. When are the blueberries gonna start acting like blueberries and not common pencil sharpeners?"
Horrible story. The desk is still crowded with beverages, food items, paper, and pens and pencils. Officials say that they recommend anyone, including coupons for local restaurants, stay in their drawers.
Earlier this morning, an orange and a bag of cookies were shot on my desk.
Witnesses explained that the fight broke out over a large container of hand lotion.
A can of V8 related the story to the phone "I don't know what started it, but the bag of cookies was laying near the big lotion dispenser, when the orange rolled by. The next thing I knew, the bag of cookies had pulled a gun and was firing. I moved out of the way, and by the time I had managed to pull myself out of the monitor cords, the orange and the bag of cookies were dead."
The phone has told me that other witnesses to the crime included desk fan, Ipod, and cup of coffee. A tablet of paper was injured, but not critically.
The Overbearing Waiter
George and Greg sat down at the Brewery for a beer.
They began to chat as two menus slowly rose from behind the other side of the table.
"What the fuck?" Greg asked.
"Menus?" It was the overbearing waiter. He was slowly emerging. "Hello, my name is Renault. I'll be your waiter.
George said "OK, good. Could I just get a Budweiser."
"Sure. And for you?" The waiter asked Greg.
"Bud Light."
"Awesome, I'll be right back." The waiter then slowly lowered himself down the side of the table until he was out of view.
"What the fuck was that about?" Greg asked.
"That's the overbearing waiter, he's here all the time."
"What's his problem?"
"I don't know. I guess a guest once choked to death on –"
"I'm back." It was Renault. "Two Buds. One sans calories." He smiled.
The two men took their drinks. The waiter stayed put and watched the men. George motioned to Greg to sip his beer and he did.
"How is the draft?" Renault asked.
"Um, great." Greg said.
"Splendid." And with that, the waiter slowly descended before crawling back to the bar out of sight.
"Dude! That is fucking crazy."
"You're telling me."
"Man. Say, you ever wonder what would happen if there was an earthquake? Would they make you pay your bill?"
George asked "You mean here?"
"I mean anywhere. I mean, you wouldn't –"
"Of course not. In fact, you'd probably be provided with free food until emergency support comes." It was Renault again. "So, have you fellas decided on food yet?"
"Nah. Not yet." Greg said.
The waiter continued to wait until George nudged Greg and they both began looking over their menus.
"Uh, the bacon burger."
"Excellent."
"Same."
"Most excellent.
Soon the burgers arrived.
"How is everything?"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"How are we doing?"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Could I –"
"Dude, fuck off!"
"Any mustard or Ranch?"
"Seriously, I just want to eat in peace."
"Would you like a finger bowl?"
"Please. For the love of God go away."
"Any more drafts?"
Before anyone had a chance to do or say anything else, the orange rolled out and shot them all.
THE LAND BEFORE TIMEX
What time is it?
??????
Your Stimulus Bill is Fershit
Sure, I'll hold.
Yeah, this is Ray Davies, South Carolina. I just wanted to call and say your stimulus bill sucks some major dick there, fella.
You got all this garbage about infrastructure and redoing the CDC and shit, but you got no game. You got no tax cuts or shit that would work to trickle them dollars down, fool.
I wrote about nine stimulus bills last Saturday that would run circles around your shit. Like this one:
A) Make a moon lander
B) Take moon lander to moon
That's some fucking stimuli right there, pal. You just got all this shit about THAT ORANGE HAS A GUN!!!!
The Back Massager, They Called Him
He walked in through the door and immediately a shudder ran through the room.
We'd heard stories about him and what he'd done down in HR. But now he was here.
All but the bravest women crouched low to avoid the steely glance he passed across the cubes.
You can never see it coming - just who he will pick. His eyes fell on a new woman to the department. She lowered her head and that just made his hunger stronger. Never expose the shoulders.
Before anyone had a chance to say anything, he was upon her.
"Hey, how's your day?" The hands fell on her shoulders and began moving in unison to bring about the kind of comfort that only exists after pulling a knife from a wound or puking up that ninth shot of Jaegermeister.
The woman sobbed.
"Gosh, this is such a great cube. Is that your son?" Every word was excentuated with the vigorous rubbings only the Back Massager could supply.
His inane conversation bleated on; no one was safe from this vile fallout from the massagings. "That Transformers movie sure is something!" He exclaimed to absolutely no one before he'd pause and talk in a low voice to the victim.
"Do you like that? Does that feel good?" Before getting back to "I wish I could transform!"
There's some things on Earth that shouldn't be…
Riots Swarm My Desk After Shooting
Kelly, I'll tell you, this is the worst I've ever seen. As you can see, the computer monitors have been smashed and cords litter the desk as angry cookies and oranges take to the cubicle.
As we've come to understand, orange and cookie activists are angry to learn that a bag of cookies and an orange were shot on the desk earlier by a plastic container of blueberries. A spokesman for the blueberries has said that the shooting was in self defense, but the lotion dispenser tells another story.
"We had just gotten done being stationary on the desk, when the orange rolled by to say hi. Out of nowhere, the blueberries began shooting at the three of us. The can of V8 and I cowered behind the monitors. It was awful. Just awful. When are the blueberries gonna start acting like blueberries and not common pencil sharpeners?"
Horrible story. The desk is still crowded with beverages, food items, paper, and pens and pencils. Officials say that they recommend anyone, including coupons for local restaurants, stay in their drawers.
Some Sci Fi Stuff...apologies to Burroughs, Herbert, Asimov...
My apartment rests on a large ET landing strip.
Millions of years ago, alien ships would ferry small families to live in what is now underground my studio.
Their plans were much like those of early American settlers: mining.
They mined for a substance off the Earth until it was no more, and consequently killed off the dinosaurs.
The substance was used to feed our very large alien visitors. It only took tiny doses cut with vegetation to support their dirigible sizes. But the richer value lay in the substance's beneficial qualities to hive mind populations: telekinesis, ESP, etc.
On their home planet, the substance had been mined away and they had left to go trolling after what might still linger nearby.
After they had mined it off our planet, the visitors left to find another source. Eventually, the substance returned to our planet with a great comet impact and now resides near the Earth's core.
Sometime around 1900, our friends returned when their scanners revealed the substance had returned. After fifty years the visitors returned in larger numbers and with many other species ready to exploit the planet for their own gain.
But now humans posed a challenge.
Finding an intelligent species that would put up a fight, they decided to decimate the population. Any large strike on the planet would not hold well with the powers that kept the law in the galaxy. Therefore, a species of alien was used to infiltrate our many governments to slowly exterminate the human race through more subtle methods.
A great war was first introduced to man and very, relatively, small populations were killed off in an exercise to see how such a plot might be pulled off. Such a plot found major problems and was rethought.
The Bomb was then introduced, not to eliminate the humans, but to control them under a two party world government.
This was a major victory.
Control became the primary objective.
When the mining ships are to finally arrive, some 100 years from now, the populace will welcome them via the conditioning received.
This plot then moved down to religion, race, and nation states. History was soon rewritten to reflect the new power scheme and implanted into humans with key visits to humans that were more in tune with the substance. These "special cases" could link any information the aliens fed them to other humans around the globe.
But there were other agents.
The Galactic Empire had been sent rumor of the plot and sent their own men to investigate and stay on the Earth as peacekeepers.
Most were bought.
The few that were not were cut off from all communications and pronounced dead. Those few that survived carried out a defensive battle by implanting "select cases" with the truth of the invasion.The result was a great schism in humanity. What we find 30 years later is a mass culture of schizophrenia.
Millions of years ago, alien ships would ferry small families to live in what is now underground my studio.
Their plans were much like those of early American settlers: mining.
They mined for a substance off the Earth until it was no more, and consequently killed off the dinosaurs.
The substance was used to feed our very large alien visitors. It only took tiny doses cut with vegetation to support their dirigible sizes. But the richer value lay in the substance's beneficial qualities to hive mind populations: telekinesis, ESP, etc.
On their home planet, the substance had been mined away and they had left to go trolling after what might still linger nearby.
After they had mined it off our planet, the visitors left to find another source. Eventually, the substance returned to our planet with a great comet impact and now resides near the Earth's core.
Sometime around 1900, our friends returned when their scanners revealed the substance had returned. After fifty years the visitors returned in larger numbers and with many other species ready to exploit the planet for their own gain.
But now humans posed a challenge.
Finding an intelligent species that would put up a fight, they decided to decimate the population. Any large strike on the planet would not hold well with the powers that kept the law in the galaxy. Therefore, a species of alien was used to infiltrate our many governments to slowly exterminate the human race through more subtle methods.
A great war was first introduced to man and very, relatively, small populations were killed off in an exercise to see how such a plot might be pulled off. Such a plot found major problems and was rethought.
The Bomb was then introduced, not to eliminate the humans, but to control them under a two party world government.
This was a major victory.
Control became the primary objective.
When the mining ships are to finally arrive, some 100 years from now, the populace will welcome them via the conditioning received.
This plot then moved down to religion, race, and nation states. History was soon rewritten to reflect the new power scheme and implanted into humans with key visits to humans that were more in tune with the substance. These "special cases" could link any information the aliens fed them to other humans around the globe.
But there were other agents.
The Galactic Empire had been sent rumor of the plot and sent their own men to investigate and stay on the Earth as peacekeepers.
Most were bought.
The few that were not were cut off from all communications and pronounced dead. Those few that survived carried out a defensive battle by implanting "select cases" with the truth of the invasion.The result was a great schism in humanity. What we find 30 years later is a mass culture of schizophrenia.
Friday, February 20, 2009
My Friend Ice Cube
Ice Cube was on the set of his new movie Mayonnaise Castles, and was approached by a small duck that was part of the film. Ice Cube said "Hey, duck." And the duck nodded back.
Ice Cube was over at my house the other day. We were gonna go to Ikea for breakfast, but he arrived late and they don't serve breakfast after 10. I was like WTF? Ice Cube just shook his head and said "My dryer's broke." I felt bad.
Ice Cube used to tell me that what he most regrets is not becoming an architect. I told him that his music and movies have made a lot of people happy, but he just stared at his hands and exclaimed "I coulda been designing supports for the next Sears Tower!"
Ice Cube called me the other day and was down again. He told me that he had a dream that he was watching penguins run a restaurant. They were all shuffling about making food and seating other penguins, but they all had coke problems. I told Ice Cube that life was like that.
I was driving down the street the other day and I saw Ice Cube on the corner eating some popcorn and told him to hop in. I said "Hey, you got popcorn" and he just grinned. He told me to drop him off at Safeway and I did. That's just Cube for ya – grinning and eating popcorn.
Ice Cube once told me that the way to succeed was to believe not only in yourself, but the people around you. I told Ice Cube that I believed in him and he started crying. Ice Cube can be emotional.
Ice Cube invited me to a BBQ last summer and I brought macaroni salad. Ice Cube told me that he already had some, but it was OK that I brought some more. This made me cry. Ice Cube can do that to you.
I was jogging the other day with Ice Cube and we were talking about the stimulus package and he was listing all these figures about how it wouldn't really help anything. Pretty soon we were both tired and stopped to get snow cones. I ate mine too fast and got an ice cream headache. Cube goes – "See, that's what that stimulus package is going to do."
Cube, you old sage!
When I turned 30, Ice Cube showed up at my house dressed as a pizza delivery man, but instead of pizza, he had brought a couple of boxes filled with bacon bits. I have to say, Cube knows my style.
So, this one time I needed to fix the toilet because it was running and Ice Cube was over. I was about to call a plumber when Cube told me he could fix it. Well, what he did was just pour a bunch of Gatoraide mix into the tank and started flushing it and exclaiming "Like that! Like that! Like that!" That's when I began to suspect either Cube or I were nuts.
One thing you have to know about Ice Cube is that he loves milk shakes. So, we were out this one time and we went to this diner and he ordered a milk shake. Soon, the waiter came back and told us that they were out of ice cream. So, me and Cube went out to the 7-11 next door and bought some ice cream and brought it back to the diner and Cube's all like "Now can we have a milkshake?" and the guy at the diner was like "No."
Ice Cube and I once had a contest to see who could drink the most V8. We just kept laughing and going "It's only 30 calories."
Ice Cube, if you don't know, owns the world's largest Millennium Falcon replica in the world. You could practically live in it, except for all the pigeons that he has living in there already.
Another thing about Cube is that he's a falconer. He learned at an early age in the streets of Compton. He'd falcon people for jewelry, but then give it back and they'd be really impressed and give him a donation for his falconing school. I think it was called Falcon College.
One time I was drunk and got in a fight with my wife and really made a mess of things. So, finally she goes "Call Cube." And I did. Ice Cube then fixed my marriage with these four words "Fuck off, I'm sleeping."
For Valentines day, I invited Ice Cube over to have dinner with me and my wife and his falcon. The dinner was really good, but the falcon really made a mess of things and we ended up having to get tetanus shots.
Ice Cube once called me the most important man of this century. But it was like one second into the twenty first century, so it was like whatever.
Ice Cube wrote a movie called Mayonnaise Castles about this kid who never lived by a beach, so he made sand castles out of Mayonnaise. It was heart warming. In the end, the mayonnaise goes bad and the kid has to go to college.
If I could name my favorite rapper/actor, it wouldn't be Ice Cube, but he'd be up there, even though I'm buds with him and all, that doesn't mean I have to lie.
One night I drove by Ice Cube's house and he was struggling with a polar bear on his lawn. It was hella late, so I just drove by. But the next day I called and he was all right, but the polar bear was still on his lawn. So, he asked me if I wanted to fight it for ten bucks. I was like no way. But he insisted. So, I went over to Cube's house and fought the polar bear, but Cube had to break it up when my leg was severed. That was a day to remember!
Once Ice Cube and I just ate cherry Danishes and bet who would shit their pants first. Cube won.
Ice Cube has never written a rap song about me, but I wrote one about him. It was called Rainbow Moon Shadow and it feat. MC Commodore Computer Sound Effects.
I guess what I'll miss most about Ice Cube is the way he would bake pies in the summer. Anyway, I'm sad to see you leave the neighborhood, Cube.
Ice Cube was over at my house the other day. We were gonna go to Ikea for breakfast, but he arrived late and they don't serve breakfast after 10. I was like WTF? Ice Cube just shook his head and said "My dryer's broke." I felt bad.
Ice Cube used to tell me that what he most regrets is not becoming an architect. I told him that his music and movies have made a lot of people happy, but he just stared at his hands and exclaimed "I coulda been designing supports for the next Sears Tower!"
Ice Cube called me the other day and was down again. He told me that he had a dream that he was watching penguins run a restaurant. They were all shuffling about making food and seating other penguins, but they all had coke problems. I told Ice Cube that life was like that.
I was driving down the street the other day and I saw Ice Cube on the corner eating some popcorn and told him to hop in. I said "Hey, you got popcorn" and he just grinned. He told me to drop him off at Safeway and I did. That's just Cube for ya – grinning and eating popcorn.
Ice Cube once told me that the way to succeed was to believe not only in yourself, but the people around you. I told Ice Cube that I believed in him and he started crying. Ice Cube can be emotional.
Ice Cube invited me to a BBQ last summer and I brought macaroni salad. Ice Cube told me that he already had some, but it was OK that I brought some more. This made me cry. Ice Cube can do that to you.
I was jogging the other day with Ice Cube and we were talking about the stimulus package and he was listing all these figures about how it wouldn't really help anything. Pretty soon we were both tired and stopped to get snow cones. I ate mine too fast and got an ice cream headache. Cube goes – "See, that's what that stimulus package is going to do."
Cube, you old sage!
When I turned 30, Ice Cube showed up at my house dressed as a pizza delivery man, but instead of pizza, he had brought a couple of boxes filled with bacon bits. I have to say, Cube knows my style.
So, this one time I needed to fix the toilet because it was running and Ice Cube was over. I was about to call a plumber when Cube told me he could fix it. Well, what he did was just pour a bunch of Gatoraide mix into the tank and started flushing it and exclaiming "Like that! Like that! Like that!" That's when I began to suspect either Cube or I were nuts.
One thing you have to know about Ice Cube is that he loves milk shakes. So, we were out this one time and we went to this diner and he ordered a milk shake. Soon, the waiter came back and told us that they were out of ice cream. So, me and Cube went out to the 7-11 next door and bought some ice cream and brought it back to the diner and Cube's all like "Now can we have a milkshake?" and the guy at the diner was like "No."
Ice Cube and I once had a contest to see who could drink the most V8. We just kept laughing and going "It's only 30 calories."
Ice Cube, if you don't know, owns the world's largest Millennium Falcon replica in the world. You could practically live in it, except for all the pigeons that he has living in there already.
Another thing about Cube is that he's a falconer. He learned at an early age in the streets of Compton. He'd falcon people for jewelry, but then give it back and they'd be really impressed and give him a donation for his falconing school. I think it was called Falcon College.
One time I was drunk and got in a fight with my wife and really made a mess of things. So, finally she goes "Call Cube." And I did. Ice Cube then fixed my marriage with these four words "Fuck off, I'm sleeping."
For Valentines day, I invited Ice Cube over to have dinner with me and my wife and his falcon. The dinner was really good, but the falcon really made a mess of things and we ended up having to get tetanus shots.
Ice Cube once called me the most important man of this century. But it was like one second into the twenty first century, so it was like whatever.
Ice Cube wrote a movie called Mayonnaise Castles about this kid who never lived by a beach, so he made sand castles out of Mayonnaise. It was heart warming. In the end, the mayonnaise goes bad and the kid has to go to college.
If I could name my favorite rapper/actor, it wouldn't be Ice Cube, but he'd be up there, even though I'm buds with him and all, that doesn't mean I have to lie.
One night I drove by Ice Cube's house and he was struggling with a polar bear on his lawn. It was hella late, so I just drove by. But the next day I called and he was all right, but the polar bear was still on his lawn. So, he asked me if I wanted to fight it for ten bucks. I was like no way. But he insisted. So, I went over to Cube's house and fought the polar bear, but Cube had to break it up when my leg was severed. That was a day to remember!
Once Ice Cube and I just ate cherry Danishes and bet who would shit their pants first. Cube won.
Ice Cube has never written a rap song about me, but I wrote one about him. It was called Rainbow Moon Shadow and it feat. MC Commodore Computer Sound Effects.
I guess what I'll miss most about Ice Cube is the way he would bake pies in the summer. Anyway, I'm sad to see you leave the neighborhood, Cube.
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