My Friend Ice Cube

Ice Cube was on the set of his new movie Mayonnaise Castles, and was approached by a small duck that was part of the film. Ice Cube said "Hey, duck." And the duck nodded back.

Ice Cube was over at my house the other day. We were gonna go to Ikea for breakfast, but he arrived late and they don't serve breakfast after 10. I was like WTF? Ice Cube just shook his head and said "My dryer's broke." I felt bad.

Ice Cube used to tell me that what he most regrets is not becoming an architect. I told him that his music and movies have made a lot of people happy, but he just stared at his hands and exclaimed "I coulda been designing supports for the next Sears Tower!"

Ice Cube called me the other day and was down again. He told me that he had a dream that he was watching penguins run a restaurant. They were all shuffling about making food and seating other penguins, but they all had coke problems. I told Ice Cube that life was like that.

I was driving down the street the other day and I saw Ice Cube on the corner eating some popcorn and told him to hop in. I said "Hey, you got popcorn" and he just grinned. He told me to drop him off at Safeway and I did. That's just Cube for ya – grinning and eating popcorn.

Ice Cube once told me that the way to succeed was to believe not only in yourself, but the people around you. I told Ice Cube that I believed in him and he started crying. Ice Cube can be emotional.

Ice Cube invited me to a BBQ last summer and I brought macaroni salad. Ice Cube told me that he already had some, but it was OK that I brought some more. This made me cry. Ice Cube can do that to you.

I was jogging the other day with Ice Cube and we were talking about the stimulus package and he was listing all these figures about how it wouldn't really help anything. Pretty soon we were both tired and stopped to get snow cones. I ate mine too fast and got an ice cream headache. Cube goes – "See, that's what that stimulus package is going to do."
Cube, you old sage!

When I turned 30, Ice Cube showed up at my house dressed as a pizza delivery man, but instead of pizza, he had brought a couple of boxes filled with bacon bits. I have to say, Cube knows my style.

So, this one time I needed to fix the toilet because it was running and Ice Cube was over. I was about to call a plumber when Cube told me he could fix it. Well, what he did was just pour a bunch of Gatoraide mix into the tank and started flushing it and exclaiming "Like that! Like that! Like that!" That's when I began to suspect either Cube or I were nuts.

One thing you have to know about Ice Cube is that he loves milk shakes. So, we were out this one time and we went to this diner and he ordered a milk shake. Soon, the waiter came back and told us that they were out of ice cream. So, me and Cube went out to the 7-11 next door and bought some ice cream and brought it back to the diner and Cube's all like "Now can we have a milkshake?" and the guy at the diner was like "No."

Ice Cube and I once had a contest to see who could drink the most V8. We just kept laughing and going "It's only 30 calories."

Ice Cube, if you don't know, owns the world's largest Millennium Falcon replica in the world. You could practically live in it, except for all the pigeons that he has living in there already.

Another thing about Cube is that he's a falconer. He learned at an early age in the streets of Compton. He'd falcon people for jewelry, but then give it back and they'd be really impressed and give him a donation for his falconing school. I think it was called Falcon College.

One time I was drunk and got in a fight with my wife and really made a mess of things. So, finally she goes "Call Cube." And I did. Ice Cube then fixed my marriage with these four words "Fuck off, I'm sleeping."

For Valentines day, I invited Ice Cube over to have dinner with me and my wife and his falcon. The dinner was really good, but the falcon really made a mess of things and we ended up having to get tetanus shots.

Ice Cube once called me the most important man of this century. But it was like one second into the twenty first century, so it was like whatever.

Ice Cube wrote a movie called Mayonnaise Castles about this kid who never lived by a beach, so he made sand castles out of Mayonnaise. It was heart warming. In the end, the mayonnaise goes bad and the kid has to go to college.

If I could name my favorite rapper/actor, it wouldn't be Ice Cube, but he'd be up there, even though I'm buds with him and all, that doesn't mean I have to lie.

One night I drove by Ice Cube's house and he was struggling with a polar bear on his lawn. It was hella late, so I just drove by. But the next day I called and he was all right, but the polar bear was still on his lawn. So, he asked me if I wanted to fight it for ten bucks. I was like no way. But he insisted. So, I went over to Cube's house and fought the polar bear, but Cube had to break it up when my leg was severed. That was a day to remember!

Once Ice Cube and I just ate cherry Danishes and bet who would shit their pants first. Cube won.

Ice Cube has never written a rap song about me, but I wrote one about him. It was called Rainbow Moon Shadow and it feat. MC Commodore Computer Sound Effects.

I guess what I'll miss most about Ice Cube is the way he would bake pies in the summer. Anyway, I'm sad to see you leave the neighborhood, Cube.