Some Short Stories About Oranges

Violence Breaks Out on My Desk

Earlier this morning, an orange and a bag of cookies were shot on my desk.
Witnesses explained that the fight broke out over a large container of hand lotion.
A can of V8 related the story to the phone "I don't know what started it, but the bag of cookies was laying near the big lotion dispenser, when the orange rolled by. The next thing I knew, the bag of cookies had pulled a gun and was firing. I moved out of the way, and by the time I had managed to pull myself out of the monitor cords, the orange and the bag of cookies were dead."
The phone has told me that other witnesses to the crime included desk fan, Ipod, and cup of coffee. A tablet of paper was injured, but not critically.

The Overbearing Waiter

George and Greg sat down at the Brewery for a beer.
They began to chat as two menus slowly rose from behind the other side of the table.
"What the fuck?" Greg asked.
"Menus?" It was the overbearing waiter. He was slowly emerging. "Hello, my name is Renault. I'll be your waiter.
George said "OK, good. Could I just get a Budweiser."
"Sure. And for you?" The waiter asked Greg.
"Bud Light."
"Awesome, I'll be right back." The waiter then slowly lowered himself down the side of the table until he was out of view.
"What the fuck was that about?" Greg asked.
"That's the overbearing waiter, he's here all the time."
"What's his problem?"
"I don't know. I guess a guest once choked to death on –"
"I'm back." It was Renault. "Two Buds. One sans calories." He smiled.
The two men took their drinks. The waiter stayed put and watched the men. George motioned to Greg to sip his beer and he did.
"How is the draft?" Renault asked.
"Um, great." Greg said.
"Splendid." And with that, the waiter slowly descended before crawling back to the bar out of sight.
"Dude! That is fucking crazy."
"You're telling me."
"Man. Say, you ever wonder what would happen if there was an earthquake? Would they make you pay your bill?"
George asked "You mean here?"
"I mean anywhere. I mean, you wouldn't –"
"Of course not. In fact, you'd probably be provided with free food until emergency support comes." It was Renault again. "So, have you fellas decided on food yet?"
"Nah. Not yet." Greg said.
The waiter continued to wait until George nudged Greg and they both began looking over their menus.
"Uh, the bacon burger."
"Excellent."
"Same."
"Most excellent.
Soon the burgers arrived.
"How is everything?"
"Fine."
"Fine."




"How are we doing?"
"Fine."
"Fine."




"Could I –"
"Dude, fuck off!"
"Any mustard or Ranch?"
"Seriously, I just want to eat in peace."
"Would you like a finger bowl?"
"Please. For the love of God go away."
"Any more drafts?"

Before anyone had a chance to do or say anything else, the orange rolled out and shot them all.

THE LAND BEFORE TIMEX

What time is it?
??????

Your Stimulus Bill is Fershit

Sure, I'll hold.
Yeah, this is Ray Davies, South Carolina. I just wanted to call and say your stimulus bill sucks some major dick there, fella.
You got all this garbage about infrastructure and redoing the CDC and shit, but you got no game. You got no tax cuts or shit that would work to trickle them dollars down, fool.
I wrote about nine stimulus bills last Saturday that would run circles around your shit. Like this one:
A) Make a moon lander
B) Take moon lander to moon
That's some fucking stimuli right there, pal. You just got all this shit about THAT ORANGE HAS A GUN!!!!

The Back Massager, They Called Him

He walked in through the door and immediately a shudder ran through the room.
We'd heard stories about him and what he'd done down in HR. But now he was here.
All but the bravest women crouched low to avoid the steely glance he passed across the cubes.
You can never see it coming - just who he will pick. His eyes fell on a new woman to the department. She lowered her head and that just made his hunger stronger. Never expose the shoulders.
Before anyone had a chance to say anything, he was upon her.
"Hey, how's your day?" The hands fell on her shoulders and began moving in unison to bring about the kind of comfort that only exists after pulling a knife from a wound or puking up that ninth shot of Jaegermeister.
The woman sobbed.
"Gosh, this is such a great cube. Is that your son?" Every word was excentuated with the vigorous rubbings only the Back Massager could supply.
His inane conversation bleated on; no one was safe from this vile fallout from the massagings. "That Transformers movie sure is something!" He exclaimed to absolutely no one before he'd pause and talk in a low voice to the victim.
"Do you like that? Does that feel good?" Before getting back to "I wish I could transform!"
There's some things on Earth that shouldn't be…

Riots Swarm My Desk After Shooting

Kelly, I'll tell you, this is the worst I've ever seen. As you can see, the computer monitors have been smashed and cords litter the desk as angry cookies and oranges take to the cubicle.
As we've come to understand, orange and cookie activists are angry to learn that a bag of cookies and an orange were shot on the desk earlier by a plastic container of blueberries. A spokesman for the blueberries has said that the shooting was in self defense, but the lotion dispenser tells another story.
"We had just gotten done being stationary on the desk, when the orange rolled by to say hi. Out of nowhere, the blueberries began shooting at the three of us. The can of V8 and I cowered behind the monitors. It was awful. Just awful. When are the blueberries gonna start acting like blueberries and not common pencil sharpeners?"
Horrible story. The desk is still crowded with beverages, food items, paper, and pens and pencils. Officials say that they recommend anyone, including coupons for local restaurants, stay in their drawers.