Obama's Speech to Progressives

Thank you. Thank you.
Almost four months ago, you, the American people, elected I President. I ran on a banner of change. And I am here to say change has come.
From the halls of Chicago, to the streets of D.C., I have come to change the platform I ran on.
Folks, it's cool to be a progressive when you're young or poor, but think about I.
Today I would like to take a moment of silence to first thank our former President George W. Bush for the bridges he built that let I stand before you here today and say this Fuck Progressives.
That's right. From your Michael Moore's to your guy in the front row who security is escorting out, your time is over.
Much like the Sith Lord and his apprentice, Dick Cheney and I are still running the show. And let me say this – quit blogging my website for legalized marijuana.
And quit asking about stem cells, wiretaps, executive privilege and Bagram.
With the economy in the pooper, and crime souring, it is time you accept that your son or daughter will be in Bagram or serving in our new People's Corps where they will toil days and nights painting the outside of the CDC.
The days of milk and honey are over and we need to all do our part to pitch in and make certain that you continue to pay for I and my colleague's mistakes.
Hope must be earned.
Sure, you may have lost your job and feel slighted by bailouts to companies that aren't even technically American, but we can't get through this thing divided. No, we must continue to be united under I. Whether you be working at GM in Detroit, Russia, or China.
And let me say to those of you who would protest – we will lock you up.
I hope that this message reaches each and everyone of you, as I Blackberry it to your phones that I have already tapped, let no man feel his government owes him anything, and let that man continue to be owned by his government. That is owned with a P, folks.
So, to conclude, Earth, Wind, and Fire will perform for my daughters in a private room that you aren't invited to.
God bless America!