How Changeling Could Have Been Less Miserable

This movie was miserable.

It starts out in 1928 where Angela Jolie is a woman on roller skates. This is foreshadowing for how happy and care free this movie is. She wears the roller skates at work where, apparently, OSHA has yet to come into existance.

Her job is to patch telephone calls to other telephone calls, as you do if you're a woman in the…before 1994.

See, the movie is about female empowerment, and what better way to show it than casting a woman with lips as big as trampolines and a flair for roaming the Earth for orphans.

Soon, we realize this woman is the mother of a boy she likes to neglect. Leaving him home while she goes to work overtime (I'm assuming to buy more children or roller skates), the child is abducted by the Joker.

Seriously, the guy turns out to be the Joker. If you don't believe me watch the last half hour or so.

With her child gone, the woman is distraught, so she roams the Earth stealing children.

No, that doesn't happen, but it's Jolie and you can totally see that happening, so let's just go with that.

She's saved all this money up from overtime and not paying for daycare that she's totally set to make a worldwide journey nabbing children in revenge for the Joker's abduction of her own child.
She makes her way around the globe and this is when the movie goes musical:

I am a woman of worth
I neither like conception or birth
I will pick my children from all over the Earth

Whether Japanese or Crete
Whether African or Filip
I will collect them all
From May until Fall
As I see fit

For you see a doll won't do
I need the real thing
Just like you (as she snatches an Armenian)
And the land will love me
The press will hug me
For all the love I give
This is how a proper woman should live

So, she continues snatching children, but her shenanigans catch the attention of another globe trotter – Santa Claus. He's noticed that he's making more and more deliveries around the Los Angeles area, and less and less in third world countries. So, he starts to wonder whether there is some sort of crisis. That's when he runs into Jolie in Zimbabwe and puts two and two together and discovers one dirigible sized pair of lips.

So, Santa has it out with her how globalization is ruining cultures and she's the spokesperson for it. But she counters with her lips and Santa goes all mooshy and she takes off into the sky on his sleigh. Now she's got real freedom to globetrot.

Well, the movie goes on and there's more singing as the children begin to question Jolie's real motives and find that she's either insane from the Joker stealing her child, or so in love with her own lips that she's harvesting the children for skin grafts.

Of course the latter is true.

This piques the interest of the Joker, who is also into big lips. He decides that his chicken coop of children is but a pittance compared to Jolie's virtual Neverland, so he decides to hunt her down and take over her child farm.

Well, who should he meet on the way: Santa. Now Santa doesn't like the Joker's children killing policy, but he sure as hell isn't going to be able to stop him until he has his sleigh back.

So, an unholy alliance is made and the hunt for Jolie is on!

They track her down to Tripoli, where she is stealing Qaddafi's grandchildren. The General finds the trio in his living room and goes ape. He calls security forces and Santa tries to explain himself to Muslims, which really pisses them off, so they begin firing.

Santa, shot to all hell falls to the ground, where Jolie uses his body for armor. Joker isn't having this, so he picks up a gun and begins firing at Jolie/Santa. Eventually, Joker is shot in the chest, but manages to escape in a helicopter Dick Cheney has flown in for absolutely no reason.

Jolie makes it out of the compound, ditches the husk of Santa and the final scene is Jolie holding a Joker card.

Good God this would be rad!