Monday, June 21, 2010


Hold the Cocaine

"A Mexican Platter."
"That's one Mexican Platter, do you want anything to drink with that?"
"Yeah, a Pepsi."
"That's one Mexican Platter and a Pepsi. Would you like any extra sauce with that?"
"Yeah, ranch."
"That's one Mexican Platter and a Pepsi. Would you like a hamburger with that?"
"Wait – what?"
"Would you like a hamburger with your Mexican Platter, Pepsi, and ranch?"
"OK." The waiter looks around. "Would you like any cocaine with that?"
"Cocaine. Would you like any cocaine with your Mexican Platter, Pepsi, and ranch?"
"No. No cocaine. In fact, no ranch. Just the platter and the Pepsi."
"OK, so Mexican Platter, Pepsi, hold the ranch and the hamburger and no cocaine?"
"You don't really need to hold it, it doesn't come with the meal."
"All our meals come with cocaine."
"Doesn't that suppress appetite?"
"Yes. It's for after."
"OK, give me some cocaine."
"That's one Mexican Platter and a Pepsi with coke on the side and hold the hamburger and ranch."

The Date

"It's something about walking that really brings out the best in me."
"I like to walk. I'm glad we did this."
"Me too. You know, it's been awhile since I've been out on a date. But I can tell that you are special."
"Thank you."
"And I can tell that I'm gonna wanna see you again."
"That's sweet. You have nice pants."

The Mission Statement

"We sell plants. All kinds."
"Could you put that into a mission statement?"
"Um…we want to sell plants?"
"No. How about we want a plant in every home?"
"I guess."
"You're looking for investors aren't you?"
"Well, I'm trying to help you out with your mission statement. Just wanting to sell plants isn't much of a mission. Promising to sell plants is more mission worthy. In fact, collectively engaging in the retail of plants to further our goals would make more sense."
"I guess."
"You could even dress it up with collectively aligning behind the mission to bring plants into your homes no matter what and no matter what cost."
"That would work too."
"Of course it would."
"You have more, don't you?"
"We want to turn your house into a jungle – fucking jungle!"

"The neighbors are having a garage sale."
"What are they selling?"
"Garage sale stuff. Crap."
"Are you going?"
"Of course. You really get to know people by seeing what they don't want."
"You mean you could read me by looking at my garbage can?"
"You bet. Twinkie wrapper, Hotpocket box – you're fat."
"That's not very nice. But I am fat."
"Would you date someone based on what's in their garbage can?"
"I have. If you see money in there, they probably are rich."
"When have you seen money in a garbage can?"
"Just the other day in my boss' office. Big stacks of it."
"He could just be getting rid of evidence."
"That doesn't change the fact that he's rich."
"Good point."

I'm Here to Buy Guns

"I'm here for some guns."
"What kind of guns are you looking for?"
"The shooting kind."
"I think I know what you need."
"That's not a gun."
"No, but it shoots."
"But it's a slingshot."
"You don't like it?"
"I just want something gunny'er."
"Well, how about this."
"That's a sandwich."
"Yes, but it's made with gunpowder."
"There's gunpowder in that sandwich?"
"Ham, mayo, olives, tomato, and gunpowder on rye."
"Wow. But still, I want some real guns. Why are you trying to steer me away from guns?"
"We have a policy of giving a customer the benefit of the doubt and letting them think things through. I mean, do you really need guns?"
"Gah. I guess not. But I have all this money and they're so cool looking and I've never fired one."
"Are those good reasons to buy a gun?"
"No. I guess not. Just give me the sandwich."

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