Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Inside Out Dick

Bathroom Break

The thing about the bathroom is that you shit in there. I mean, have you taken time to really think about the fact that all over the world you aren't to shit anywhere but in a bathroom. I mean, you can't drop trow and just take a dump in the garbage can near your desk. But, there is one place you're allowed to lay steamy piles of defecation and it's the bathroom.

So, with that in mind, the bathroom is an odd place. The vilest thing most people (well, not according to a certain weblog) can think of is human waste. Especially mass-produced.

So, it's no wonder that the bathroom is a place fraught with hang-ups and weirdisms.

My own hang-up is that I don't like to leave a stall when someone is in the room and I don't like to shit next to another person.

The former is because I don't want anyone to know that I made whatever noise or smell that was made. Normally, unless it's some Budweiser induced massive attack, I can hold any sounds to a minimum, I don't even like other's to hear me drop a plop.

Now, the latter is just common sense. If I'm going to respect other's and not make them put up with awful noises and rancid smells, I'm sure as hell not going to sit by someone else who's making them. Also, there's something nasty about knowing you're sitting next to a dude who will eventually put a piece of paper up his ass and pull it back out with shit on it.

It's hard to concentrate now as the coworkers are discussing the fact v. fiction of Dan Brown books. I would say it's mostly fiction with enough fact to make it believable, but the second the religious fuck faces chime in I want to say it's all fact just to piss them off. I hate the religious.

Moving right along.

So, with my two hang-ups in mind, there's some people that piss me off.

Guy who preens himself in the mirror: So, there I am, on the shitter and I won't get up until the bathroom is empty. Well, there's this guy who comes in who does a complete makeover on himself for a half hour. It's funny, too, cuz he's a total dork. It's not like he's one of those club guys whose hair looks like it was done strand by strand, no this guy is a major dork. Anyway, I'll be stuck in the toilet as he combs his hair: I can hear his hair being combed that's how bad his hair is. Brushes his teeth: must do around nine passes with successive spits after each pass. Flosses. Other things: I'm not sure, but I've seen him in there when I'm not shitting and he has a small bag full of primping gear, so he may wash his face and change clothes or clean contacts as well. I hope this man dies. Any man who spends more than two seconds looking into a mirror at work is a twit or going on a date and this man couldn't get laid in a morgue.

Retarded guy: K, this isn't my story, but it's funny. Also, save your "don't make fun of people because they are different bullshit." If you treat retarded people like social untouchables, that's exactly what they'll be. Anyone who gets mad at you for making fun of another race, creed, or mental capacity is a toolshed who views people as so different and alien to themselves that they can't even give the them the benefit of mutual respect in the face of humor. With that said, there's this retarded guy at work and my buddy was taking a shit and the guy comes in and knocks on the stall door and asks "When are you going to be done?" Fucking classic. Oh, and I guess someone was using the can and they left their food out on the fountain outside the restroom and when they came out the retarded guy was going through their food. Fucking hilarious.

Boogers. This is the nastiest thing you will ever see. I work in a large corporation and you'd figure the people who work here would be adults, or have some hygienic grace. Hell no. There's this sign above the urinals that says "No gum, tobacco, or paper in the urinal" or something to that effect. Well, all over this sign are dried up boogers. Some fucking toad or toads use the sign as a personal palette to wipe their nose charm on. And I have to stare at it every time I'm taking a piss. It's so disgusting I feel like vomiting right now.

Loud Assholes: Well, there's one type that will come into the bathroom like they're about to present the President with the names of the terrorists who are hiding Bin Laden. BOOM! Stomp, stomp, stomp, unbuckle, ZIP! Then a torrential flood hits the urinal. Of course there are the loud shits that sound like Pearl Harbor through a kazoo. Those are choice, cuz even though I'm the only other person, I smile or hold my nose or scrunch up my face as if I was with someone else and needed to show them that I too find the noises disgusting. Then, the fucking worst is the guy who thinks it's OK to socialize while taking a shit or piss. No, guy who thinks it's OK to socialize while taking a shit or piss, it is not OK.

There's much more shit that pisses me off about the bathroom, but I'm getting too angry.


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