Thursday, September 30, 2010

Some Authors

Some Authors that Fuck and Suck

Ah, now then, how is your day going?

Two things – lemonade is definitely not an evening drink. Especially with tequila. Also, the Café Select coffee at 7-11 tastes like buttered ass.

Moving right along....AUTHORS THAT FUCK AND SUCK!

That's right, below you will find a list of authors you should know something about. Read or don't read their books – I have my commandments listed.

Let's start with overation. The following authors are extremely overrated and do everything in your power to avoid them.


F. Scott Fitzgerald: It's mind blowing how much this man sucks. He died a diseased drunk and probably deserved it. His most famous, and maybe only, novel is The Great Gatsby. This book sucked. It sucked big time. If there was a way to suck harder than this book sucks, I'm sure Oasis is doing it right now. The Great Gatsby is pretty much the world's first soap opera. I was really surprised that Gatsby didn't come back from the grave pregnant and have some psychotic Santa Claus kill him. The book is about how this rich prick, Gatsby, gets by on all his marvelous friends that are about as boring as a Beaches reunion. Seriously, Fitzgerald sucks. Except it. Boats beaten back against dead badgers floating on flotsam. It sucked that bad.

Norman Mailer: K, this one is kind of unfair, but fuck it. I opened the Armies of the Night or whatever and read a chapter. I would have tried to read more but I was choking on my own bile. Mailer talks about himself in the third person throughout the book. The only author who can get away with talking about himself at all is Hunter S. Thompson (see The Best of the Best). Mailer not only doesn't pull this off, he doesn't pull it off in the third person. This guy is a total tool. He's one of those for shit hippies that took a good protest movement and made it look bad. He's like that guy in that horrible movie Forest Gump that thinks he's a big peace activist, but beats his girlfriend. Mailer sucks even worse than Fitzgerald, because Mailer thinks he's the shit. Mailer is the geek from high school who somehow found a niche and exploited it to get fame and poontang. This guy is a glory whore and should be shot. Hell, is he even alive? Who knows, but he sure does blow.

Frank Herbert: Specifically, Dune. Everyone loves to tell you that Dune is the best Sci Fi book ever written. This is extremely incorrect. It's not that Dune is bad; it's that Dune wasn't that great. It's way too involved with too much shit. Look, I know what you're thinking: "Well, you're a dumbass and you didn't understand it."

Wrong, fuckface. I understood it, it just wasn't that interesting. It was like reading a pot of stew made from Catholicism, Physics, and Soap Opera shit. And, whereas that would sound interesting to someone who is nuts, it just didn't float my boat like it should have. Again, I'm not saying this was a bad book, just overrated. The best part is how the main dude struggles with how power corrupts. The rest of the themes were vague or uninteresting. So, fuck you.

The Best of the Best

Here are my recommendations, kids. Please, do yourself a favor and purchase all of these books or authors. They are the crème de la crème or whatever. They rule. You rule.

Hunter S. Thompson: K, we have a caveat here that goes with Vonnegut as well: Don't buy anything after 1979. Thompson's drugs took far too much hold and his later books aren't as good. Not to mean they suck, they just aren't the best of the best. I recommend Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and any campaign book he's written. Also, his book on the Hell's Angel's was great or his collections of writings. These books make you want to write, act, and live like the author – as a good first person book should. I've based my whole life on his writings and find that I feel better about drinking and smoking as much as I do. If I've ever ripped off an author more in my life (badly) it is Thompson. His prose is genius and his disregard for authority is godlike. Run out and buy Fear and Loathing anything. This man is a god.

Kurt Vonnegut: Whereas with Thompson I said his later work is still good, with Vonnegut, I'll say blatantly ANYTHING AFTER '79 IS CRAP. Now then, maybe one of the best books ever written is Cat's Cradle. This is the story of Ice Nine and how an elderly calypso teacher gives God the bird. Buy this book now. Don't even stop for traffic lights. If you die trying to get this book, you will have lived a moral life. Also, God Bless You Mr. Rosewater is awesome as well. Hell, anything by Vonnegut before the eighties is great.

Arthur C. Clarke: Childhood's End. This is the best, bar none, Sci Fi book ever written. It is the story of Man's becoming and should be read inside a temple, smoking lotus leaves. If you want to read Sci Fi, this is the nut.

Bret Easton Ellis: American Psycho. Don't buy any of his other books. Well, maybe Less Than Zero, which is alright. But, the rest pale in comparison to Psycho. This book is the most grizzly, brutal piece of media ever made – and it works. And on so many levels. Mainly, the comedic. You're reading about the intricacies of washing your face correctly, wearing a tie correctly, ordering a dessert correctly, and then you're into a whole scene about a PVC pipe being rammed up a woman's cooch and having a rat feed on dog food that is placed at the end of it. I mean, I don't even like violence that much, but when it's juxtaposed with melon sherbet – it works. Buy this book or I'll kill you.

ISAAC ASIMOV: K, I'm gonna ruffle some feathers here: the Foundation series is way better than Lord of the Rings. There, I said it. Lord of the Rings, in fact, almost made my list of overrated books. Foundation has everything that Lord of the Rings lacks and more. These books take you from one set of puppet masters to the next, as you travel out from solar system to universe trying to find the grand master. These books rule and make Frodo's journey from the Shire look like my journey to 7-11 this morning. Buy this entire series, lock yourself in a closet with rations and read a month away. You deserve it.

Mark Haddon: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. This book rules. It kicks so much ass. It's about this autistic boy who journeys to find out who killed the neighbor's dog. On his way he learns of his family's secrets, and the reader learns that in order to love this boy, you have to understand that he can't love - or at least like we do. Man, I don't know what I'm talking about. I should put more thought into this, but... It's written in the first person as the boy, so it's interesting to read. Don't be expecting any Dustin Hoffman hubris to overact its way into the autism here. You won't read Haddon counting toothpicks to show you what a barnyard oddity this kid is. This book will make you cum in your brain and in your heart. Man, that's stupid. Anyway...

J.D. Salinger: Nine Stories. It's that simple. Catcher in the Rye is also good, but Nine Stories is better. No wonder this guy died a recluse, he was entertainment enough. Imagine if you figured everything out – what point would there be in being around people?

And my number one, all time book: It's a tie between Nine Stories/Cat's Cradle/American Psycho.

Now, a word about Stephen King: He sucks for the most part. But, if you're at an age where you just want to read for fun, and emotions by Sesame Street are still entertaining, then what the hell? Go buy The Stand and The Gunslinger books. King has an amazing imagination, he just can't write a character worth a shit. So, if you're 15 or 16, go ahead and have fun. But, by 20 you'll realize King sucks. My English teacher was right. And I hated my English teacher. Well, not that bad. Look, if you wanna know the most pompous English teacher, it was this dude who wrote some crappy short story about taking a train to see his parents or some shit when he was four. Total shit. Man, I hated that guy. I hated that class. It was at Green River CC and I was taking Creative Writing. What a bastard. I'm going to go out and get some PVC pipe.

Now, I'm sure I forgot a lot of books here, but my hour lunch is up. So, buy the books I said to buy. Or don't. It doesn't matter. None of this matters.



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