Thursday, September 30, 2010

You Feel Me? That's 100% solid emotion

I just got into my cube and for ten minutes we were on the edge of calling facilities to find what could only be a decaying rat in the air ducts.

Low and behold, it was some dude who brought shrimp. Now, I would think that if people think that a rat has died when you open your meal of shrimp, that you would smell the fact that your shrimp is probably far beyond driven.

But, never mind that, how do you have the sheer ballage to open a can of stink like that and feel secure with the stink you produced? How fucking rude. You might as well take a dump at your desk. In fact, the dump would smell better.

What else? Well, after reposting old political stuff to this site I will try to promise no more. Looking back now, I realize how self-righteous I sounded, as well as boring.

Oh, but Bush is still an asshole.

Tsunami update: Well, it seems the world is coming together and donating like all hell to help those affected by the tsunami. Even celebrities. I think John Travolta just bought the island of Phucket. He was donating to the relief effort and in his haste he didn't realize he dropped enough to buy the island. In response he was quoted as saying "Phucket."

That was schweet.

Update on how I'm currently not getting laid: December was a good month. Sadly, a good month. For a normal man, it would be a bad month.

NAME WITHHELD1: Well, we started out with NAME WITHHELD1 who I was able to bed for three days before she broke it off with a text message. Recently, I found her friend's phone in my car and she was supposed to come by and pick it up. But, trying to be funny I texted "Feel free to cum by and go nowhere with me." This was in response to her saying that she didn't see us going anywhere together when she broke it off. My attempt at humor was probably sabotaged by spelling come with a "U."

NAME WITHHELD2: This is the woman who I talked to a lot and have gone out with twice in the course of almost a year. I don't think she considers either event as a date, so I'm not sure if this counts. But, it's good practice for when I actually do have a date. I went and saw a movie and had dinner and a beer. Magical.

NAME WITHHELD3: This would be my ex-girlfriend's friend who I made out with in front of some bar waiting for a taxi. Later, I would sleep in the same bed with her and my ex-girlfriend. Diagnosis: no way to score. I got her number though, and planned on doing something with her on the following Wednesday. Monday I texted her and she never texted back.


Well, the next day I noticed that my texts to her were still in my Outbox. I'm no good with a phone, and decided that meant they weren't sent, like with Outlook. Well, they were. So, that was assface move number 1. Then, I decided to call her and I was cut off by a bad signal mid ring. So, I had to call her again and....well, let's just say I spent that Wednesday watching fly fishing on PBS.

NAMEWITHHELD 4: This would be the woman that I met at the great Nabob on New Years. Oh, everything was coming up Matt: she gave me her number, I kissed her, and she invited me to a party at her friend's loft. Later, I would realize I lost the napkin with all this vital information and would spend a good portion of the evening digging through a garbage can to no avail.

NAMEWITHHELD 5: This would be the drunk girl I met in my hallway. She was wasted and all I could manage was a brief make out. Later, I would open the door to my neighvor's place and find her on some dude. I would then feel like an ass for talking to her in the first place, have her come over and think that I was jealous or something, then have her say she was coming back and never see her again.

NAMEWITHHELD 6: This would be the porno movie Weisberg finally brought back that I wanked off to on Saturday and last night. I would totally go all the way with this movie and I see her being in my life for weeks to come.

All in all, as you can see, I'm a total pimp. Dolemite's got nothing on me.


That's right. We're soon to be hit by what could be up to five inches of snow in Washington. That's F-I-V-E (5) inches of snow. It should settle in Thursday night and blister our greater Puget Sound area through the weekend. The stores are crowding up with the desperate, combing aisle after aisle for de-icer, bread, milk, cereal, alcohol, cold medication, cantaloupe, and herring. If you don't own a gun, go out and buy one, for swarms of thermal underwear'd mutations will be attacking your home in search of your herring and flashlights. Tell the kids to conserve their energy: no sledding this year – for this winter will not end and every quanta of energy is precious for the imminent hibernation. Woe to you, oh Washington. Woe.



Matthew Cornwall Effervescent

No comments: