Monday, April 5, 2010

He said, she said

I Love Earl

Hello all,
My name is Earl Forrester and I'll be speaking to you today about composure.
Composing oneself in the corporate environment is essential to creating a powerful, productive, and progressive work environment.
There are two main focus points I will be discussing today: exterior composure and interior composure.
Let's start with exterior, shall we? Right.
Forthwith I shall give you a little demo and I'll leave it to you to figure out whether I'm displaying composure or not.

Hey, fuckface, you, fucker? Are you listening to me and my fucking speech about corporate fucking composure or what the fuck?

Now, then, was I displaying composure?
No, of course not. What was I doing wrong?
Correct, I sprinkled my sentences with fuck and....
That's right, I was screaming loudly and rubbing my crotch.
And would anyone like to take a stab at whether that was poor external or interior composure?

That's right, external. You see, I was externally displaying myself with a total lack of composure.

Here's a harder one.

K, what did I just do?
That's right, nothing. But, what you don't know is that I was thinking about having anal sex with the woman in the front row.....Judy. Now, was that appropriate?
No, of course not, Judy doesn't want me to anally penetrate her.
Now, was that a lack of external or -
That's correct Judy, internal.
Quick, off the top of your head Hillary, what were you just thinking about and be honest?
Really, an image of me anally penetrating Judy - now, is that internal composure?
No, of course not.
Now, you may be asking yourselves how to protect yourself from these intrusive and obnoxious thoughts. Well, a simple trick of self-inflicted punishment will do the trick.

OK, what did I just do?

OK, I just thought about Judy and Hillary going at it on my lectern. So, let's correct it. What I'm going to do is simply hit myself, closed fisted, in the genitals nine times. Now, remember, nine is key.

Oh, that's better, now I'm thinking about continuing a productive meeting on composure and not about Judy and - oh, drat.

Another nine for myself, now you try it.

Step right up, in this office for one day only, watch the painful display of self abuse inflicted by and on a group of bankers.

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