Monday, April 5, 2010

You Have a Cunning Beaver

Watch my Weight

Good lord, it's sunny in Seattle once again.

For those of you Seattley challenged, this place is like the backdrop for the movie Seven during the winter months. But, thanks to El Nino or Global Warming or Al Queda; thanks to whomever, we have our season in the sun.

And what sun! It's immaculate, like the bottom portion of a strippers back. Well, not really at all like that, but that place where you can see the spine, man that's beautiful.

I finally managed to get a copy of the radio rip of "The Hand that Feeds." I would like to tell you this is a good song. But, I can't. It's so poppy that it could be the background music for an after school special.


Maybe it'll grow on me and I'll recant, but I doubt it. But, never fear, "the line begins to blur" is now playing in my headphones for the 190th time and it keeps getting better. Also, the second single of The Fragile, "We're in this Together" blew goats, and yet the rest of the album was great, barring some small holes: "The Fragile." It still sickens me that there's no instrumentals on the new album, but I have a feeling we'll see some precious stones unearthed come 2006.

So, I'm still on my diet. Yesterday I did four lines of coke around 4. I followed this with a large amount of Red Bull and a chaser of Jack Daniels. I felt this was a good way to start my no food diet. After leaving work, I felt fantastic with absolutely no food in my system for the day.

On the drive home I chain smoked a pack of cigarettes and went to my buddy Raj's place for the meth.

Meth is an ugly drug and I was sure to cut it with the cocaine. This made for a pleasant two hours of cleaning utility outlets. Diagnosis: no hunger.

I then turned on CNN to watch our president embarrass us in multiple languages in order to get the adrenaline going.

It was now time to tackle the exercise. Look, folks, you can't get skinny the easy way; you need good exercise.

So, it was off to the doorstep where I acquired a homeless man and paid him nine dollars to be strapped onto my back.

With a mighty snort, that lasted a full minute, I inhaled the better part of two grams of coke and began my loop around Seattle, from the Space Needle to Safeco and back. I did this nine times.

The homeless man was getting drunk on my back and by the time I was finished he had puked on my back more than a dozen times. This was unnerving, but I had a mission to accomplish.

It was now time for the weigh in: I had lost five pounds.


Now, I don't want to advocate starvation – far from it. So, I made myself a decent meal of pasta and then made myself vomit it back up.

I was lucky in this endeavor, as the homeless man was below my window and I was able to nail him with curdled cheese and Ragu.

More cocaine followed a raw egg and it was time for the Valium and weed to bring me down so that I could rest up for work.

It was around 4 in the morning.

I got a good two hours of sleep.

When I say, "sleep" I mean shivering in a dark corner, sobbing wildly, and biting my nails.

Soon, it was time to go to work.

A good shot of Red Bull and vodka was procured and within the glass walls of the tumbler, I spooned in more coke.

And that's that. I just went down to the gym to weigh myself: 195!

That's ten pounds and three teeth lost.

Tonight I'm going to be inhaling an eight ball of meth and swimming from Seattle to Los Angeles, all before four in the morning.

This may seem impossible, but you have to take in account the fact that I did some shrooms and somehow acquired the powers of both Aquaman and the Flash.

I'm happy about this.



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