Monday, April 5, 2010

A Slow Jam

Sex Story

So, I'm with this girl and we're at this circus. I took her out for her 30th birthday and I told her I had something special for her.

So, we're about to leave and I say "Wait, there's something I want you to see."

I take her to this tent, outside the circus, and lead her in.

The tent is empty and she asks me what's going on. I tell her to strip and she gets really excited.

I lie her down on the hay and begin kissing her body all over. She's panting and asking for more, I pull out a rubber horn and squeak it three times.

Into the tent come three of the most breathtaking clowns I have ever seen. One is female and the other two are male.

The female has an afro of bright red hair and the other two have long purple hair. They begin groping her body and spraying her with seltzer.

I watch all of this from a corner in the tent.

She's on fire as the female clown removes the two male clown's 14-foot rubber cocks from their trousers and then begins banging my girlfriend with her nine foot shoe and starts trying to climb her with this really small ladder.

An elephant comes in and the female clown applies KY to it's trunk and –

We interrupt this blog with a message from Ted Stevens of Alaska

Do you see what I mean by indecency, folks? You get these bloggers going and who knows what's gonna come out of their mouths.

I'm Ted Stevens, your Alaskan senator. I'm currently working on a campaign to make sure that cable stations abide by the same decency standards as the networks.

Now, I know most of you are wondering what a man from Alaska, who just sold out his state to big oil, would know about decency?

Well, for one thing – I know it has nothing to do with clowns fornicating. Good, sweet baby Jesus and all the saints! Is that what you people out there in cyberville get off on?

Clown porn?

Does the thought of a steaming clown pussy, wet with the ripe smell of pancake makeup and green fuzz turn you on? Or is it the enormous clown cocks that you wish would keep pounding you in the ass, over and over again until you scream "I'm one Alaskan Senator who loves taking it in the ass by clowns!"

I'm all sweaty now.

Well, folks like Joseph Leiberman and Al Gore are even on my side when I say that this nation is plummeting into a hole that we have decided is indecent.

Nevermind the fact that Joseph Leiberman and I enjoy the ripe stank of dead Iraqi carcusses, but scream in moral terror when we see Janet Jackson's fondue-ish milk jug. Nevermind that we prescribe religions that believe that snakes offer women fruit and the world was created in a week. And, finally, nevermind that Joseph Leiberman and I dress up like clowns and 69 to the break of dawn like wild Barnum and Bailey fluffers!

Look, we is the law and we make the rules.

Sit on it.

No, really, if you have that wig and make up, I want you to sit on it.


I Knew it Would Come to This

This is why I don't join groups.

So, I have a freakshow on my hands blaming me for some gibberish involving Martians from distant lands.

Hey, there's a few cool people out in the Spaces community, but don't involve me in your little cliques – I have no interest.

Click on my site all you want if you think there's something worth laughing at, but let's not pretend that we're buddies and you can throw your luggage on my doorstep or comments section.

Unless you're Aimsky, who keeps composure and can ride a typewriter like a champ.


This person has been forgiven for being cool.

But, it's spanking season and I got a hankerin' for a spankerin'.

Sunday Night I Rode a Bike

It's true.

Back before Monday had occurred, I was at The Great Nabob playing pool with the old man.

The old man had come by to pick up this end table he'd given me, and now was paying me 200 dollars to give it back.

Well, kinda. There was a stipulation: I had to bring him the head of Ed Asner. Oh, and I would have to buy a new end table.

It's fucking stupid. I told him I was broke and that I could use the money, but he wasn't having it. He wouldn't give me the money unless I bought something I didn't need. So, I'm getting a recliner Saturday, even though I'm broke.

Well, a couple beers later, and the old man leaves and I'm outside the bar with the bartender smoking.

The dude was cool and even bought me a beer and we sat around and talked about comic books; we were the only ones in the bar.

Soon, I was using change to buy beers. Later, I had him try a credit card to see if it had any money on it. Then, I had him try another one, drank off that for an hour, then had him try another one and left when I saw the last "Do not honor" receipt.

In between, this dude from the framing shop across the street came in with a bike.

It was a special edition, made by those dudes on that show Orange County....Christ, I forget the name of the show. It's the one where they make sup'd up motorcycles and such.

Well, according to this dude (who looked like Richard James from Aphex Twin), he got the bike from a garage sale for 70 bucks. The bike is probably worth 500, but whatever.

Oh, keep in mind, it's a bike bike, not a motorcycle.

So, I take it out for a spin after being told not to ride it in the bar, and I got a picture of myself on it.

Well, that dude left with his bike and some 23-year-old kid came in and started ordering Greyhounds and slugging them back. This is when the bartender handed me water and a "Do Not Honor" receipt and I left.

Man, in my mind, before writing, that was a better story.....

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