How to Lose Weight Eating Fruit

I've been eating more fruit lately. I think eating fruit could save the world. You figure with all the heat generated by big fat asses, you'd really cool the world down with a few less. But does fruit really heal the fat? It's hard to say. Fruit contains a lot of sugar, and therefore, you know – bad.
My fruit eating began the other day, and I have to say I suffered for my pilgrimage into the produce section. It was like introducing spider monkeys to a box of kittens. My stomach just couldn't handle the fruit.
Soon, I was accustomed to the fruit, but had a hard time figuring out how to eat it. It took a few days to figure out how to open a banana, for instance. Apparently, the tops don't screw off, which was my initial guess. Also, some fruit is hard on the teeth. When you've been smoking and living off cola as long as I have, one hard bite and you're wearing dentures. So, I had to learn to cut the fruit up.
Then there was the taste. Fruit tastes great, but I'm more of a savory person, so I had to get used to the sweet tang (not that kind) that would saturate my mouth and bring about canker sores. So, I had to learn to cut the fruit with some sort of grit. I went with granola.
Then there was the whole procedure of putting a meal together. With a burrito, you just put it into a microwave and hit "1". Not with fruit. You need to cut it up, and entertain your taste buds with a medley of it in order to enjoy a multitude of flavors. An apple on its own is just an apple, if you gather. So, I had to go out and get a set of knives. And a cutting board. And a spoon.
This fruit eating business was getting expensive.
Eventually, I got it down to a hard science, and I can tell you that I'm eating fruit regularly. Sure, I'm still enormous, but I feel like I'm more in tune with the Earth. Like how the giraffe is one with the Earth because it eats potatoes all day.
I bet you didn't know that?
That's right, giraffes live off potatoes – exclusively. This one time I tried to feed this giraffe Benji a Rolaid, and he wouldn't touch it.
But, back to me.
So, I figured it would also be important for me to eat vegetables. I was kindov under the impression that vegetables were only for rich people and the elderly, but no, vegetables were definitely for me.
I found out that I had actually been eating them all along. Vegetables are in everything! From French fries to tater tots, you eat vegetables all the time if you're like me. In fact, did you know that a tomato is a vegetable?
Trick question there – it's not! It's a fruit!
Which got me thinking – ketchup.
So, if I eat ketchup and fries I'm hitting two food groups right there, buddy. Think about that. And now think about that giraffe and the potatoes – you know I did! The very next day I figured this out I was feeding old Benji French fries and ketchup and he loved them!
He died the next day, but I'm pretty sure it was from the Rolaids I had concealed in the ketchup.
Again, back to me.
So, I was like fuck this fruit business, and I threw out all the melons, berries, and Poptarts – I would stick to a diet of French fries and ketchup. But what about dairy – did someone say cheesey French fries with ketchup?
How about wheat? Beer, baby.
That's a fine food pyramid right there, and when you add bacon for the meat group, you've got yourself a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I eat cheesey bacon French fries with ketchup and drink many a beer and I can tell you, brother, I'm losing mass amounts of weight.
Oh, and cocaine. I've been doing that too.