Most people don't realize this, but growing up is a lot easier than you would believe. A lot of people will tell you that "Life's a bitch" and that you need to "Keep truckin'" and "Don't leave the seat up", but the truth is, growing old is not so bad.
When I was younger I used to think that growing up was all hard and you had to pay bills and work and stuff. But that's just not true.
The majority of illnesses you will catch are as a child. Like AIDS and herpes.
Your parents seem cruel now, but wait till you get older. They will be a lot more lenient, like when you want to borrow their car or throw a party in the garage.
The average kid spends most of his or her time listening to music and doing drugs. That's just a fact. I'm just throwing that one out there.
When I was young it was seen as cool to question the government. Kids these days can actually just log on to a web site and email their government. So, you have it much better than we did, just standing around the White House going "Hey, government, what the hell?" It was stupid.
A lot of teachers will play that game with you where they try to show you how you need math in real life. They are lying. You don't need math. I haven't used math for – oh, great, finally I need math.
Love is the best thing you'll ever find on this Earth. But it can also be the worse. Like that time I loved with a tube of Ben Gay. Talk about burning!
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, I'll tell you what: WHAMO!
Always use protection. I don't care if you're just going to work, you put a condom on!
Vote. I can't stress this enough. Many young people think that governments work without their help, but they're wrong. They need you to vote. You don't even need to go to the polls – just make your voice heard. Last election, I mouthed "Obama" while cutting lettuce and that seemed to work. So, just make sure you knock on wood or something.
You can't lose if you quit. I'm not sure if I made that one up or not, but I can't be bothered to make sure.
Hot dogs – you'll never grow out of them.
I've never done acid, but I hear it can be fun. Maybe go try it? I don't know.
Drugs will get you no where in life, but you can pretend you're someone for as long as the high lasts.
Don't ever date a hooker.
If you kill a person, never return to the scene of the crime. Even if you dropped your wallet. Just tell everyone that your wallet did it.
Police can spot a lie on your face. If you need to lie to a cop, always make sure you're wearing a surgical mask and sunglasses.
A good way to fake people out and make them think you're looking them in the eye when you're lying to them is to look at their eyebrows. Until you get bored, then just move farther up the head. Once you get to the hair you've gone too far.
Ending any command with "Buster" will get you respect.
A lot of people ask me about vegetarians and I tell everyone the same thing: I've never met one I liked, but maybe you'll have better luck.
I guess the class that I've most used in my life is Home Economics. Every night you'll be using a microwave, unless you're rich.
Drugs are fun when you're a kid, but they get more legal when you grow up. Like, the other day I had a bloody nose and I called my doctor and I was able to get some valium to sleep it off.
There is always time to achieve your goals. My father is 62 and he just took up fly fishing.
Some people will not like you because of your attitude or your clothing or the way you look. That's gonna continue throughout your entire life. You should accept it now and stop being a baby about. You could change, but you won't. So, you know, get off my lawn.
So you threw some firecrackers at a dog and now you have to do time – don't let that discourage you. Jail is just another road mark on the railway to adulthood.
Someone once wrote you can never go back home – that's a lie. You can go back home a lot. And at home your Mommy will hook you up with food and free rent and there's nothing shameful about that and don't let anyone tell you any different.
Money isn't everything – but if you get some, hold on to it and save it and try to make more money from saving that money and then you'll be rich.
Keeping up with old friends is a lot easier now with the information age. Like I could type "Hey, Steve" right here and my buddy Steve Bonneville would instantly know that I'm looking for him.
Just because things are confusing now, doesn't mean that they will get less confusing later. Sure, learning new stuff is great, but do you really think you have that kind of time? You're still gonna die.
A lot of you worry about finding the right someone. It's not very hard if you keep an open heart and an open wallet.
The majority of people living today have grown up. That means, chances are, if you don't die, you'll grow up.
I remember growing up, and I'm still growing, that should tell you a lot about how easy it is to grow up. Seriously, think about it.
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