How to Cold Call

To know one's self is to know one's world. You think you can live without the world, and you probably can; but can the world live without you?
Let me ask you, how old are you?
Right, life ahead of you and all that. But think about this – 1 in 4 people are killed by genocide. It's a fact. Google it. Do you think those odds are on your side? May I ask you what ethnicity you are?
OK. And religion?
Alright. How about this – are you gay?
K. I apologize. You did say you were married. But think about this - Planet of the Apes. You think that was just a movie – even WASPs like you can be killed for sport.
But let's forget all that, what about natural disasters? The other day a piece of metal slammed into a lumberyard from outer space. So, you're walking along and you think you're good because you're genocide proof then - BOOM you get hit in the head by space metal.
But space metal is nothing compared to the awesome strength of hurricanes or tornadoes or earthquakes.
Where do you live?
Oklahoma? You should be dead right now. In fact, I'm talking to a dead person right now! Hello, dead guy, how's the afterlife?
So, keeping in mind you're about to die, what do you think is going to happen to your wife?
Yes, I see, if you get killed in a freak storm, she'll probably die too. But what if she doesn't? What if a piece of metal slams into her head and renders her brain dead? Who will pay the medical?
Exactly. Now do you understand why you need life insurance? Sure, I'll hold.
What were you doing?
Talking to the wife? What's the verdict, I really want you to protect your family today!
I see, and why not?
With who?
Good God! Ameritex is just about the worst life insurance around. I bet you they sold you that death and dismemberment shit? That's bush league. Our insurance covers death, dismemberment, decapitation, nuclear war, alien invasion, zombies – the gambit. In fact, if you are beaten to death with your own phallus, we have you covered.
I didn't curse.
Look, I know that you think you can get by with one policy, but think about this – you die in a tornado and your wife is struck with a hammer and is brain dead. Everyone's looking for your policy to pay for your wife's medical treatment. You put it in a safe. But the safe is lost in the tornado – I'm your backup guy. I have the other policy for you. You have two in case one goes missing. It just makes sense.
Yes it does.
K, look, I'll throw in an insurance policy on your wife. That way, you're covered if she gets killed in the tornado or is beaten with a penis.
I see. Well, I guess there's nothing else to say, Ted. You fucked up. You got that shitty life insurance from Ameritex that is gonna cover fuckall and you're probably gonna leave your wife whoring for medical bills because you were too cheap to adequately cover her.
Of course they do! 1 in 3 hookers are just women that lost their husbands and have medical bills piling up. Look at your wife. Now imagine her being paid for sex. Is that what you want?
K. I'll hold.
So, you believe your wife when she says she won't whore for medical bills? I guess you got me there. Your wife is above whoring for her health. I guess every other woman out there is somehow beneath your wife and you happened to get the one that doesn't whore when push comes to shove. I guess she's just the purest – yes, I'll hold.
Really? Offended? You have to be kidding. You are just being rational. What's more important, her self esteem or her life? Ask her. I'll hold.
No, you don't have to go.
Yes, I can hear her. She sounds absolutely pissed. You know what I'm thinking – you need homicide insurance. She's just about to lose it, man. You can't let her whore for money after she kills you in a blind rage, can you?
Yes. 542 –
Two oh? Ted, I can't hear you. What are the last digits of the card?Thanks Ted!