Recipe for a Disaster

Major Disaster

Notes

This is a long recipe with many steps. Do not let that stop you. I have found most disaster recipes to be straightforward even though long.

This recipe uses the concept of a party to create the disaster; don't be afraid to use any other social event – funeral, bar mitzvah, or wedding.

I give you three choices for dependency problems, but any drug will fit as long as your victim really, really needs it.

Ingredients

Awkward Beginning

Two guests you don't know that well

False Start

Alcohol
Cocaine
Ecstasy

Utterly Unprepared and Wasted

Groups of friends of friends
Angry Neighbor

Out into the Night

Bar
No Money

The Real Disaster

Too few cabs
No sense of direction
No fear
Claw hammer
Cops
Ambulance
Drug dealers
Unforeseen violence

Recovery

Bail
Counseling
Relapse
Another disaster

Akward Begining

An awkward beginning to a party is the real crust of a disaster. It's important to have a good 20% of your guests be friendly acquaintances that you only see at other people's parties. Ideally, one of these guests will show up first and help you wait for the other guests to arrive. Even better is if the guest is a couple, so they both can watch you explain over and over that the rest of the party will be there any time and exchange looks of disbelief or motions towards the door.
At this point it is in the disaster's best interest that you talk to them about anything that pops into your head. Some good talking points are politics, religion, and minorities.

False start

Because you are so nervous about these two guests leaving/feeling bored with only you to entertain them, it's about now that you break out the alcohol. But, of course, you've already been drinking, so to become even more comfortable, you break out the drugs. Your disaster will only get worse if you know that the couple are hard core drug users, rehabilitated users, religious, or off duty policemen. However, most likely, they will just be a normal couple and one of them will experiment with you. This doesn't sound too bad, until you realize the other one is angered that their significant other is now doing drugs with you. This will incite your paranoia off of the cocaine and without your E high kicking in yet, you will lock yourself in the bathroom while the couple fights in your rec room and you field chilling calls from everyone who can't make it short notice.

Utterly Unprepared and Wasted

The perfect storm is to have the couple fight in your home for hours on end as no one shows up and the E kicks in in this negative environment. However, your disaster will probably not be this perfect. At this point, you will begin receiving guests, but where you had none, you will now have too many as friends have invited friends and the pizza rolls and potato chips thin out in a matter of minutes. You run to the store to pick up more food, but you are drunk and beginning to peak on ecstasy and this leads to starting conversations with homeless people and feeling flower petals as ruffians at your home start a fight and anger a neighbor who comes by your pad and ends up punched in the face. A call from the neighbor informing you of assault charges on the way to being pressed snaps you out of touching grapes in the produce section of Safeway and leads you running back to your apartment in only your boxers and undershirt.

Out into the night

You return to find several strangers outside your apartment talking about a fight upstairs and watch as toilet paper descends from your windows down onto the street. You decide to leave the mess behind and head out in a cab full of strangers to a bar 10 blocks away. On showing up at the bar, you realize the strangers have no interest in hanging out with you and you have no money, because you are in your underwear. You walk back home and get cat calls from homeless people that half an hour ago were your best friend but now just call you fresh fish.

The real disaster

You begin trying to flag down cabs, but there are none in this part of town. You become scared and paranoid as the drugs and booze leave your system and you try to buy crack off the nearest homeless man. But there's no crack to be had and you become more and more lost in a city that just this morning was your local neighborhood and is now some ghetto from the movie Brazil. Eventually, you find your way home. A smaller group of strangers is outside your apartment and they inform you that the cops have come and gone twice and are looking for you. They have evacuated your apartment and locked the door and you have no keys. You suggest climbing up to the sliding glass door on the drainage pipe. A beautiful woman is up to the challenge, and you both head up the pipe. On reaching the porch, you find that the slider is also locked and the woman suggests you climb across the building to her apartment to fetch a claw hammer to break into the apartment. And you do. On coming back to the apartment, the woman falls 30 feet to the ground below and shouts ring out as you call 911 whilst bashing your slider open in a desperate attempt to make it all go away with the drugs you've left in your apartment. But your drugs have been stolen along with your booze, TV, computer, valuables, etc. You call your drug dealer. The drug dealer shows up just before the cops and thinks you've set him up. You end up being beaten with a claw hammer as cops pull your drug dealer off of you. Soon, you are arrested.

Recovery

A parent is called for bail, a court date is set, and soon you are spending six months in a rehabilitation center. You get well, land another job (after being fired 9 months before) and begin picking your life back up. Soon you are in your apartment drinking again and filling out the Evite for what will definitely be your worst disaster ever.