Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Denzel Washington Showed Up at My Door Last Night and Other Stories

How to Pretend You're in a Movie

Take a marker and black out all the product names of things around you. For instance, I have a bottle of Vaseline lotion, Tylenol, and a Mountain Dew on my desk. If I simply take a black marker and

Why do I have Vaseline on my desk?

My Sci Fi Story with a Twist

So, I'm this dude and I am sleeping. I wake up and realize I'm an alcoholic, I've never been married, and I will probably die of obesity.
Then I wake up!
It turns out I've been in a spaceship for 33 years and in order to keep me occupied, they have given me a virtual reality life while I'm hibernating.
I land on the planet Vega and begin binge drinking and eating.

Calling in Dead

What you do is you call your boss up and you leave a message like "Mr. Jones, it's Matt…I…I don't know where I am. It's like…one minute I was on the roof cleaning the shingles and then…I think I might be dead!" Sound like you're crying and stuff and be extra freaked out.
Continue leaving messages throughout the day about different encounters with spirits and how your boss might be the only link you have to the other side you just passed from.
If he ever picks up, hang up. That will prolong the suspense and make it seem like you can only be heard on recordings.
The next day, when you come in, brag about the prank you did and how your boss is such a good sport. He'll totally forget about it and won't dock you a sick day.

Denzel Washington Showed Up at My Door Last Night

"You got some soda?" Denzel asked.
I was totally taken aback, never before had a celebrity shown up at my doorstep. "I think I do."
"Damn right!" Denzel said and then walked passed me to my fridge where he got a Pepsi and drank it in one gulp. "Ahhhhh." He sighed. Then he smiled at me and acted like I should say something.
"Was it good?"
"Damn right!" Then he kicked me in the nuts and left.
Denzel Washington. In my house? Who would have guessed?

Rubbish Bear

A cool thing to teach children is that monsters are really real and they will attack you if you don't do as you're told.
For instance, the Rubbish Bear.
The Rubbish Bear is a make believe monster that lives in the recycling plant. If your kids don't recycle, you tell them that the Rubbish Bear will come and get them.
But you can't stop there. Kids are wise asses these days and don't believe just any Tom, Dick, or Hank monster story. You need to make it real.
That's why I created a whole costume and a list of medieval punishments that suit certain offenses.
Like if you throw trash in the garbage instead of the recycling bin, the Rubbish Bear comes and slashes open your stomach with a serrated knife and pulls your intestines out and ties them to a pole and makes you walk around the pole until all your intestines have untangled from your stomach.
This is coupled with the costume that consists of a large bear mask, a white glove, and a lot of blood.
Trust me – it gets results.

HR Month

Sure, it's important to celebrate not acknowledging adjectives that relate to people, but a whole hour?
Typical of HR Month is the HR meeting where you talk about what can get you fired and what can't. Also, about FMLA in case you go loony from worrying about getting fired.
Most of the time is used to address different models of poor behavior and what can be done to stop it.
The models themselves are offensive and make you cringe. For instance, the one where the one lady calls the other lady a bible thumper and then says that she must be Catholic or Mormon because she has so many kids. And the whole time it's being acted out by REAL Catholics and Mormons in your group.
But then you get to eat tacos and you get some cookies, so it's not all bad.

Hammer, P.I.

It was just seconds before the phone rang that Hammer decided he should pick it up.
This odd coincidence shook Hammer's nerves, like a blender that's broken and shakes up a milkshake.
"Hammer, here."
"Hammer, it's Mrs. Godiva."
"Godiva, how about some chocolates?" Hammer always joked with Mrs. Godiva this way because her name was named after a chocolate and not because she was black.
"That's offensive."
"No, it's not. It's – I mean you're black, but it's not the joke. The joke is that you're named after…" Hammer went on to explain what I just explained above.
"Whatever, listen, I have a case for you. And it involves MURDER!"
Hammer quickly hung up the phone. "Murder? At this hour?"

1 comment:

Ryanator said...

Somtimes I try to humanely kill dust bunnies.