Majorunction

Transcript of October 13 Debate Kerry/Bush

SCHIEFFER: Gentleman, welcome to you both.By coin toss, the first question goes to Senator Kerry.Senator, I want to set the stage for this discussion by asking the question that I think hangs over all of our politics today and is probably on the minds of many people watching this debate tonight.And that is, will our children and grandchildren ever live in a world as safe and secure as the world in which we grew up?

KERRY: Are you fucking kidding me? You grew up in world where the Soviet Union had nuclear weapons pointed at you and set to go 24-7. Bob, have you recently been cured of retardation, or????

SCHIEFFER: Mr. President, you have 90 seconds.

BUSH: Well, Bob, the truth of the matter is that Saddam Hussein has had nuclear weapons pointed at us all along. As my intelligence suggests, Saddam in fact had a suitcase nuclear bomb between the cushions of Virginia's Oakdale Elementary school waiting room couch. Hi, kids. Now, is that worse than thousands of nuclear missiles pointed at all thirty-three states? You tell me.

SCHIEFFER: Anything to add, Senator Kerry?

KERRY: If I just stand here and not say anything I bet I'd have a good chance of winning.

SCHIEFFER: Mr. President?

BUSH: Gosh, is this about winning? I wasn't aware this was a contest, Senator. You and me and me and Bob and Bob and the people know what this is about - it's about faith. Do you have faith in a Senator that's missed 103 votes on the floor because he was off signing autographs for Vietcong youth? What you have to ask yourself is that if you believe in my God, even if you're a Jew or a Muslim, and even if you're black or Italian, then you must vote for me or burn in hell.

SCHIEFFER: New question, Mr. President, to you.We are talking about protecting ourselves from the unexpected, but the flu season is suddenly upon us. Flu kills thousands of people every year.Suddenly we find ourselves with a severe shortage of flu vaccine. How did that happen?

BUSH: We're worried about the flu now?

SCHIEFFER: Senator Kerry?

KERRY: Bob, I have to agree with the President that that was the most asinine question I've ever been asked.

SCHIEFFER: You know, these questions don't just write themselves. I was up till four this morning eating cold lasagna and listening to Hendrix really, really loud. So, if my questions seem a bit odd, just fucking answer them.

KERRY: Well, Bob, and my fellow Americans, my fellow Americans can continue to get their flu shots on the plan I have to inoculate every school child and fellow American I see. Not only that, I will ensure that the Vietcong don't come by and cut off the inoculated arms of the children to prove a point. Thank you Bob, and my fellow Americans. P.S. Cheney's daughter is a lesbian.

BUSH: Want some wood? Heh, heh, heh. Well, Mr. Senator...that's what you're called right? Am I...Bob?

SCHEIFFER: Mr. Senator is fine.

BUSH: Well, Mr. Kerry, under my plan, I will not only inoculate every child in the United States, I will do it using space satellites that will deliver inoculations through laser means. That's L-A-Z-E-R. These are super tough, badass lasers that deliver a powerful and massive punch of inoculation goodness, Bob. Oh, P.S. Edwards is a trial lawyer - do the math.

SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, if a woman was to die because her unborn baby fetus damaged a vital organ in her body, but the fetus lived, would you execute it or incubate it?

BUSH: Well, Bob, it's the best of the 80's week here at KWIX where we put the rock in RAWK!

SCHEIFFER: Mr. President?

BUSH: Oh, sorry, let me just scratch my back, here. K, frequency, check. Good. What was the question?

SCHEIFFER: Mr. Kerry?

KERRY: Well, Bob, I believe that abortion is wrong and despicable, yet, because I cannot run this country by my own values, I must run it on what is right and written under the constitution. Therefore, I would form a plan, my fellow Americans, to try the fetus at a later date when it is old enough to know right from wrong, and when it reached an age of maturity I would ask that fetus to look back on what it did and form a plan, a top secret plan, to go back in time and save it's mother from itself. Now, I know it won't be easy, but this is a hard time for America and if we want to make change, then we should begin with our past.

SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, rebuttal?

BUSH: You got a time machine?

SCHEIFFER: Mr. President, you said that you would never reenact the draft, yet our military is quickly thinning with the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan, how will you ensure that our armed forces are up to the pre-Iraq global and domestic numbers, when five died just today and continue to die?

BUSH: We've lost soldiers? According to my crack staff of bipartisan ideologues, we have not only not lost any soldiers, we have gained them by teaching Iraqis how to use guns. Assault rifles, in fact. These assault rifles have been written into the Iraqi constitution to ensure that they have the right to bare arms in the face of dangerous occupiers, like the Americans did against the British.

SCHEIFFER: You do realize that the British are in Iraq right now, alongside American troops, Mr. President?

BUSH: Of course I do, I was the man who flew to Iraq on Thanksgiving and hailed the crowd of liberated Iraqis with the warning "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

SCHEIFFER: Mr. Kerry?

KERRY: Well, when I was in Vietnam and won a bunch of medals-

BUSH: Wait, wait, I just have to interrupt petulantly and answer that accusation - shit, the damn...Rove, you replayed the tape...Rove? Bob, my communicator isn't working? Can I get a time out?

SCHEIFFER: Closing statements...

KERRY: My fellow Americans, for you are Americans, and half of you are fellows...ha, ha...my fellow Americans, not only is Bush a hypocrite and a liar, but Dick Cheney's daughter is gay, and god bless her.

SCHEIFFER: Mr. President?

BUSH: Hello, America. My communicator is out, so let me just say this - Jesus would vote for me, won't you?POST DEBATE COVERAGE WITH BARBARA WALTERS

BARBARA: I have the head of the Democratic National Committee and Republican National Committee with me here. Gentlemen, who won the debate?

DNC: KERRY

RNC: BUSH

BARBARA: Well, there you have it. It appears American is split on it's choice for the Presidency, and this will be a close race. You can watch the race live on ABC this week, when Senator Kerry divulges a long kept secret to wife Theresa, and the President comes clean with Karl about where his toothbrush has been. Goodnight, from ABC.

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