Oldy But An Oldy

Editorial: Whose Courting My Vote?
Hello,
I've been following the campaign, as best as I can and I've noticed that my vote has been left behind.
Both candidates love to pontificate on various issues and play good guy and bad guy to court the swelling numbers of special interest, agenda voters.
The problem with this is that we're a melting pot and we all have different values and feelings that reflect our character.
Not all of us believe welfare is good, Iraq was bad, and John Ashcroft is evil.By the same token, not all of us feel religion belongs in our schools, gay marriage is for the best, and that the UN is the police of the world.
No, by and large, Americans think for themselves and don't need to be spoon fed their opinions from Yalies that grew up with silver spoons stuck in their mouths.
That's why I'd like to know what Kerry and Bush are doing to court MY vote.
So, let's take the issues and see where the candidates stand and where I stand:
Abortion:
Kerry: Wants to protect women's right to choose.
Bush: Wants to protect the rights of the unborn.
Matt: Wants to "reanimate" dead fetuses into an army of the undead that will be small enough to make secret ninja moves that will eventually put the world in line.
Immigration:
Kerry: Calls it a "broken system."
Bush: Calls for "immigration reform."
Matt: Calls for "immigrant slavery" in which immigrants must work as slaves for approx. two years on the "fetus plantation" in order to gain citizenship.
Iraq:
Kerry: Wants to rebuild Iraq with world help.
Bush: Speaks of a "safer America."
Matt: Sends reanimated fetuses from the fetus plantation to restore order with their badass ninja moves and small hands that can poke and irritate the eyes.
The Patriot Act:
Kerry: Speaks of a "need to change the act."
Bush: Speaks of the "benefits of the Patriot Act."
Matt: Wants to amend the Act to provide deadly reanimated fetuses with universal search warrants embedded in their tiny heads so they can crush the skulls of my...err, our enemies, wherever they lurk with their small hands that can operate the nail clippers on a Swiss Army knife.
Energy Policy:
Kerry: Wants "energy independence."
Bush: Wants "energy independence."
Matt: Feels that we should work for energy reform by reducing our commute. This can be achieved, and drop energy consumption by 45% (2003 figures) by promoting telecommuting; encourage businesses to operate 24 hours a day using swing shifts – reducing traffic by 65% which will result in less fuel consumed supporting the 45% figure and averaging it out to 50%; and by equipping the reanimated plantation fetuses with harnesses that strap 100 reanimated fetuses to your car for shear fetus-power drive for a reanimated fetus/gasoline hybrid car that does 3000 miles to the gallon, thus reducing consumption by 70%.
Health Care:
Kerry: Wants to "cut waste in the system."
Bush: Wants to create "health savings accounts."
Matt: Unsure, but is pretty positive reanimated plantation fetuses will enter into the equation.
Homeland Security:
Kerry: Speaks of "homeland preparedness."
Bush: Speaks of "protecting infrastructure."
Matt: Speaks of a land in which we equip the reanimated plantation fetuses with special wings that will allow them to fly over the land with their search warrants and troll for potential terrorists that will be lurking in the homes and businesses of every American. These wings will be powered by BBQ'd pork and the fetuses will find this pork delicious – you can count on that!
College Costs:
Kerry: Talks of "college affordability."
Bush: Talks of "Pell grants and community college."
Matt: Talks of milking reanimated fetuses to prevent poverty. Matt is potentially off topic here. Did Matt mention that the reanimated fetuses have tiny hands that reach down and grasp the last peppercinni left in the bottle?
Gay Marriage:
Kerry: Wants "equal protection under state law."
Bush: Believes in a "definition of marriage."
Matt: Makes pornographic film that promises "hot reanimated fetus on fetus action."
Environment:
Kerry: Wants to protect coastal ecosystems.
Bush: Proposes expansion of wetlands.
Matt: Wants to develop measures to "somehow grow fetuses rather than birth them." Also, would like to see that this process makes the reanimated fetus arms as tiny as the fingers, so that they can unclog drains.
No Child Left Behind:
Kerry: Proposes changes to "No Child" law.
Bush: Wants to continue to tie federal funding to schools accountability.
Matt: Use your imagination. Here's two talking points – reanimated fetuses and small hands.
Jobs:
Kerry: Agrees that reanimated fetuses will create extra tax income, while only asking for BBQ'd pork in return.
Bush: Agrees that reanimated fetuses will create new jobs for wing makers and BBQ'd pork industry.
Matt: Thinks this country's going to hell in a hand basket, to the point that reanimated plantation fetuses are the best idea he's heard of in this campaign.