Old Review Of Casino Royale

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Casino Royale – Best Movie Ever Made

Just joking.
This movie was at times the worst Bond flick ever and the best. But, mostly the worst. The only reason I bring this up is because everyone told me how less shitty this movie was compared to the others. This movie only proves that if you pack a movie with 2 and a half hours of footage, you're gonna at least get a half hour commercial break worth that's good. Which finally answers the question as to why movies these days run a fortnight.
I kept telling people – Bond blows. I think this opinion was formed after a three-day marathon, witnessed by myself, on TBS. Yet, everyone assured me "This one is different."
Yes, it was – it was 2 and a half hours long and had superheroes in it.
Yes, superheroes. Since Pierce Bronson left, James Bond apparently has the EXACT same powers as Tobey I Just Huffed Lunch Maquire in Spiderman.
The movie starts out with this grand chase between James Bond and a burn victim. Now, it's a Bond movie and you have to take things with a grain of salt. When 007 hijacks a bulldozer in plain sight of a cadre of construction workers and catches up to a man who's running 190 miles an hour, that's one thing. But, I think it left the realm of suspension of disbelief when Bond and the burn victim began catapulting from steel cranes like Matrix characters. There was a brief moment where I really thought Bond was going to fly.
You'll probably say "Well, it's an action movie, what do you expect?" Well, there are some things that even an action movie shouldn't push. If Mel Gibson showed up on Lethal Weapon 5 with X-ray vision, you'd call bullshit. Same goes here: James Bond is not Spiderman.
But, the opening was pretty cool. Black and white juxtaposed with a man getting swirlied to death. That's cinema.
Yet, after the incredible Mexican jumping bean scene, I was adamant that I was going to hate the rest of this movie. Boobs or no boobs.
And there were no boobs (unclothed).
The movie progressed and Bond chases down a cell phone call to the Bahamas where we realize he's a badass and doesn't listen to authority. That rings true of Bond, but normally he doesn't go so far as to be caught on the Daily Globe for annihilating an embassy. He retorts that he was doing it to stop a dirty terrorist and I realize I'm watching a Rumsfeld/Cheney Joint. Anyone who cheered 007 blowing up an embassy and then bringing real world politics into (specifically, right wing politics) it, should probably join a church and vote Romney.
Next, we reach Miami and Bond is hunting down what looks exactly like the ghost of the Flight 93 pilot. By this point, I'm calling everything ahead of time, to the point that I realize that 9 days ago I knew he was going to hook the bomb to the Saudi's pants.
I think I went to the mall and finally got around to doing my taxes, because at some point Bond is in a Casino some place trying to poker terrorists to death. That's right: instead of using badass weapons (like the old Bonds), Bond now has such mad poker skills he can bet a man to death. In related news, I'm going to play scratch tickets until the U.S. war machine is bankrupt. This movie was definitely also written for losers who watch World Series of Poker and enjoy taking money from their friends (wink).
Well, Bond is poisoned and has to go out to his car to defibrillate himself back to the poker table. This is a stretch, but I'll allow it as it's on par with Bond fighting Jaws on the moon or using a jetpack to travel.
There's a love story in here someplace. We find out that Bond only likes married women, which is the point I really want our youth to take away from this movie: good guys want to bang your mom.
Surprisingly, the chicks are hot and not Jessica Alba clones. Normally, Bond only goes for women who can't complete sentences without blowing someone in the middle of them. But, Bond does like chicks who betray him, and that is why Bond is angry at the world. This point of the movie I agree with. If they just had the part where Bond is tricked, beat up, and has his balls flagellated by a heavy gauge rope all to save a woman who eventually screws him over because she's a total bitch and should be –
Yeah, Bond – forgot. Anyway. So, Bond goes pussy and doesn't ice the skank, but actually tries to save her. Pretty much the whole end of the movie is about how Bond is a Manillowesque pussy who writes Toni Braxton songs.
Come to think of it, this whole movie sucked.
But, before it's over, the main bad guys get whacked by even more bad guys that they just kind of throw in at the end. Like if you were watching the entire Star Wars trilogy and the Emperor gets thrown into that hole in the Death Star and suddenly Godzilla comes out of nowhere and ices Vader. You can't throw random bad guys into a movie just so you can get a sequel and a target for revenge. Not in the last half hour with no explanation.
Garbage.
Maybe I'm just getting old, but I remember action movies being better. Or, maybe everyone told me this movie was super good and my expectations were set to high – like when I voted for Kerry.Either way: C-.