Pellgrantings

Crash Course in Geology and Other Stories"Thunder, Lighting...a storm's a brewing, baby!"Macho Man Randy Savage (I think....and really don't feel like looking it up)So, we got a volcano blowing off steam and my first thought is WTF? Isn't this one of those olden days problems? Haven't we passed the ages when we feared the wrath of God in the form of volcanoes? I think everyone is used to hurricanes and earthquakes....but, fucking volcanoes?I'm waiting for a potato famine.Ah, in other news, Tini Bigs sucks ass. This is a martini bar in Seattle and on Friday I was charged 30 plus tip for TWO martinis. Um, WTF? Jesus. I had to swallow hard when I had to tip what I thought they would cost in the first place.Seattle has been a blast. Last weekend I played tourist and visited both Pike Place Market and the Seattle Center.For those who don't know what the Pike Place Market is, let me detail: it's where they sell fun. That's right, this landmark tourist attraction is the hub of fun. Let's say you're walking along and you're like "Man, I need some fun." BAM! Here it is, partner – fun, fun, fun.Beforehand I ventured to my favorite pier bar – the Salmon Cooker. No, it's not really a bar, but more of a fish and chips shop that I drink in.I met my sister there and in passing, saw an article about the 360 the geologists made about how big the eruption (St. Helens) could be. I immediately became excited, thinking of all the fun I would have missing work, wearing a gas mask and probing random women on the street in the pitch dark ashen days of the apocalypse. But, my sister said this wasn't to be. No, the mountain may blow bigger than Friday, but certainly not as big and tremendous READ: UBER as 1980.Ho hum.My dreams of missing work and maybe thinning the population of Enumclaw and Puyallup were squashed.A beer and a half later we trekked up to Pike Place Market.Foreigners (mainly dirty LA people) will call it Pike's Market, but don't be fooled. The natives know the name and it's Pike PLACE Market. Or funville.In the market I went to the only place I ever go: the comic shop. I purchased a badass Shining poster and a badass Taxi Driver poster. Both will assure all guests in my home that I'm an 18 year old college student. All I need is a poster about beer or shots or Bob Marley and I might as well be studying for a midterm...or whatever college people do – I dropped out.Hence the writing."So, Matt, why is the Pike PLACE Market so damn fun?"Well, let me list all the ways:FishVegetablesTrinketsCan you fucking believe what kind of hijinx you can get into when your senses are assaulted by salmon, radishes, and beaded curtains?Oh, and really, really dirty people. I swear it's just a wash for a gypsy settlement.So, the sarcasm comes out. But, no, the market IS fun. Just that feeling of being a beer and a half in and seeing all these people from foreign lands and buying shit you don't need.After departing the market, we went to Pacific Place where Cary purchased a book, and I an Americano.Leaving Pacific Place on my own I immediately got lost. But, when you live next to a world renowned needle that juts up into space like....the ugliest fucking thing in the world, this wears off.After the "lost" wore off, I ventured home.I've acquired groceries!For the last month I have been living off mustard, mayo, hashbrowns, noodles, spaghetti sauce, and ranch dressing.Consequently, I have given myself a large dose of diabetes and it pains me to sit up in any position.It was time to go shopping.I go shopping once a month and buy shit that goes bad in a week.I guess I could go weekly, but you see I burn up money so quickly that I have to shop when I get paid. Now, considering that my rent is now astronomical, that cuts out one check. I only have one other check and that, my friends, goes to shopping for foodstuffs.I had a plan, too: blow time from work on going to Costco to buy non-perishable items, and go to Larry's after work for perishables.The first part worked like a charm. I bought bread and ......oh, shampoo!Now, the second part was ruined by....FILTHY CHRISTIANS!Yes, the Right Wing Christians ascended from hell to confuse normal folks and preach hatred on my fair city.The Nazi Billy Graham's daughter – who believes that we deserved 9/11 for such things as not preaching in schools – came to Seattle to ruin parking and traffic.It took me an hour just to get from the Mercer exit to the Seattle Center.But, the problems really took hold after shopping.I drove to Larry's and found that it was pay parking. Now, let me backtrack. Normally, I would walk, but the sheer volume of groceries I needed to buy would create quite a terrible carrying situation. So, fast forward and I'm at Larry's and it's underground garage says "6$ Event Parking."$6 dollars! To buy beer and Dep styling gel! Get out of here!So, I spun around the block and came back, stopped the car and stared at the sign long and hard.At the very bottom in two inch letters the sign mumbles "validated shoppers may only park for 90 minutes."So, there was validation afoot!I couldn't believe I needed to get validated for grocery shopping. The only thing worse is if I had to get validated when buying porn.So, I shopped. I bought cheese, vegetables, Dep styling gel, Ziplock baggies, Aluminum foil, milk, sour cream, bacon, ham, turkey, beer, more beer, still yet more beer, fruit, and eggs.There's probably other stuff, but I don't have the receipt with me. Let's just say it was ten bags of goods.So, I drive home and find that there is NO PARKING!You see, your Right Wing Christian is a breeder. They believe that they must eternally multiply in order to please God. Because, let's face it: God wants enough human beings on the Earth to generate enough body heat to warm his cold hands after he fells queers and abortionists.But, nevermind that. I had parking to do.So, I parked near the top of Queen Anne with five bags of groceries laced in my superhuman fingers. I had to make frequent stops and risked a mugging of terrible force.In my apartment I put my foodstuffs away and prayed to the half bat/half robot, all elephant God that I pray to: Oh, Jujitzu, please smite the whoredom of bible thumpers that have perilously plagued are nation and put a plaque of iron tarter in the spaces that I park in.Amen.My God is a vengeful God and last I heard little miss Graham was smoten with gingivitis.All in all, Seattle is great. I have made a walking map where I mark every block I've walked with a pen.After writing that I realize that I should have killed myself long ago.St. Helens – justify my love.Pleace,matt