Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm a tire


They have ascended on my place of bidness.
Every year, my company holds a crafts fair. I guess it wouldn't bother me if it wasn't taking place in EVERY FUCKING HALLWAY IN MY BUILDING.
I went down to the cafeteria (some people call it a deli, I call it a cafeteria) and it took me a half hour to get down three flights of stairs.
On every corner there is a group of moppets and their parents selling plausibly useful crap. Like, pins, buttons, flags, quilts, wreaths, and homemade dogs.
It's enough to make me retch.
When I was a wee toddler, my mom got into this "craft" thing and I had to go to these craft sales; sometimes hosted by my own mother. She made Cabbage Patch clothes for dolls. Others made confections or wreaths.
So, walking the hallways brought back a lot of memories. Like the one where I worried that my mom might be poor and destitute enough to sell homemade clothing for dolls.
Another thing that bothers me is how overpriced this shit is. It's like you can get a wreath at Kmart for six bucks, but the same wreath made by Charlotte is now fifty. I'm not saying Chris' mom is ripping people off, no there are far more personal afflictions to her soul that surpass this. What I am saying is that when you break a wreath down, acorn by acorn, you find that making one yourself is FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

Sadly, I have been to Michael's and have seen some of the price tags on this shit. One acorn, to make to a nine acorn wreath probably runs a good two bucks. So, you're already in the red with just the fucking acorns.
The sad part is walking by the tables that aren't getting any bidness. There's this family hocking ski caps, or some shit, and they're twirling them around and no one's paying attention and they got their kids there and they just look like complete losers. It's fucking sad. I feel for them. But, I'm sure as shit not going to buy some shitty ski cap.
But, the basic reason this sucks is that all of this crap is completely useless. Who the fuck needs an American flag potholder? A joker ski cap that went out in 94? A pin with a duck taped to it? Salad tongs made out of a duck's rib cage?
Fucking garbage. I wouldn't regift this shit.
Oh, and I will tell you right now – if anyone gives me a wreath with nine acorns on it for Christmas I'm going to find a really warm place for it.
What the fuck is a wreath anyway? I mean, when you think about it, it's like nailing the shit from your gutters on your fucking door.
Christ, it's like a third world nation just collapsed inside my building.
Luckily I'm a straight male, and therefore, no one expects me to buy this shit.
No one needs to see children knitting what may pay for their only meal of the day. And even if they are learning a trade, it's not like people buy this rotten shit more than once a year – so they're fucked anyway.

Look, everyone agrees – craft fairs are abominations.

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