Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Big Foot Larry

It has been proven today that Bigfoot is real. Not only did he die for your sins, he died for a reasonable quote on his insurance.

By no way am I trying to discount Christ. He died for your sins too, but he died in a simpler age when affordable car insurance didn't exist.

Why would it? The caveman that lived in Christ's time couldn't afford cars. Battling dinosaurs to save Christopher Columbus from the Inquisition was taxing enough. Also, back then a car cost around 24 billion-billion dollars. That's because they were made from diamonds in a mine made out of pure gold. Look it up.

But, back to the Bigfeet. Modern medicine, with the help of stem cells from baby albino children's ghosts have saved a Bigfoot from certain death. The Bigfoot was found full of shrapnel in Basra, Iraq.

Bigfoot enlisted in the Army Rangers, shortly before Christmas of 2003. According to his biographer Bigfoot felt that he needed to do his part for a country that didn't even believe he existed. Now THAT'S patriotism.

Others in his squadron didn't even realize he was a Bigfoot.

Lance Corporal R. Kilgore explains "Yeah, he was a hairy bastard, but he told us it was just glandular. So, then we got really quiet cuz we felt bad that we were making fun of someone with a disease. Like, when you make fun of a really dumb kid and find out he's a retard – I mean, retarded-American. It was like that."

The squadron related the final days of Bigfoot, his brief death, and his apparent resurrection. L.C. Kilgore was the only soldier to give his name (for obvious reasons).

According to their story, the Bigfoot, or "Larry" tried to teach the soldiers and the Iraqis a "simple peace" or a "code of the brotherhood of man." Most of what he taught appears to be nothing more than fables gleaned from breakfast cereal commercials. One such story goes thusly:

And who to thee will give it the marshmallow of life? Who to thee will giveth gold from a bowl, and then steal it away like a thief in the night? Woe to thee, yon rabbit, leprechaun, or bunny.

The soldiers weren't sure what to make of Larry's words, but they said they still felt awful bad about "ribbin'" on him when he had "that granular disease."

But, it wasn't just stories that fed the myth and legend of Larry the Bigfoot, it was also miracles.

L.C. Kilgore explains "So, we had just stolen a case of Crystal Pepsi from this other squadron and we were really in good spirits. Well, Larry comes over and punches (NAME WITHHELD) in the face. Then, he swigs all the Crystal Pepsi and belches this super big belch. I mean, it was unbelievable. Then he started bitching about his auto insurance and how Geico had ripped him off. I wouldn't call it a miracle, but it was miraculous."

Little did Kilgore know, the word miraculous means the action was a miracle.

Christmas miracle?

Then came Christmas of 2006. The soldiers knew a heck of a lot of "flak" was coming their way. It was ugly in Iraq and getting uglier. Larry began telling the soldiers that he was going to perform one of his patented miracles.

The soldiers were less than overjoyed. The last miracle ended with one of the soldier's wives pregnant.

"Yeah, it wasn't the greatest combo for us: the insurgency getting stronger and Larry promising to perform another miracle."

But, on Christmas Eve the soldiers noticed a bright star in the sky.
"I remember thinking, by God, the savior has come."

No, it wasn't Jesus Christ, but a lowly, drunken Bigfoot named Larry that had stolen a Huey helicopter.

"I don't know what he was trying to pull, but it must not have turned out, cuz he came straight into the mess hall like a rocket."

Yes, it was another Larry miracle. One that killed three and injured eight. He had spray painted Geico with a circle around it and slash through.


Crews arrived on the scene and pronounced Larry dead two hours later. One week later, Larry showed up to Sunday services in a tuxedo.
"It was miraculous. Either that, or he wasn't dead – like maybe we don't know enough about Bigfoot anatomy to pronounce a Bigfoot dead? Also, I guess Larry kept stem cells in his pocket just in case something were to happen to him. Maybe they worked? Maybe the Republicans are wrong? Whatever happened, Bigfoot Larry was really mad and really drunk. We had buried him and all. It must have been a bitch to get out of that grave."

The next hour and a half of carnage left nine dead and three wounded. Larry then took off in another Huey and was never seen again.

Messiah? Bigfoot? Drunkard?

You decide, America. Send your thoughts to

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