No one deserves a drinking buddy more than Michael Jackson.
The man's entire life is a testament to the fact that you can never, in W.C. Fields' words, trust a non-drinker.
And now he has Teddy to drink with.
What's important to know about drinking with Teddy is that the man demands that you get just as drunk as he is, or he's liable to start second guessing your judgment.
I can remember falling back a few drinks once and he began asking me how one could be friends with him.
I explained that he was rich and powerful and that I enjoyed the company of ghosts.
It's no secret that John and Bobby followed Teddy around badgering him about his drinking and womanizing long after their deaths.
Some even say that dreadful night in that town no one wants to pronounce was laid in motion when Jack appeared over his shoulder and hummed a particularly nasty nursery rhyme in Teddy's ear. The shock sent him driving into the harbor and a woman was left dead.
That blood is on Jack's hands, not Teddy's and any insider in Washington knows this.
But back to Michael – I believe there's something like a heaven after you die. Something like a hell. I also believe there's something like a limbo and that's right where we all are now.
Michael left Limbo.
Maybe it was after years of hell he finally wound up trying to fall asleep in Limbo and just shot right on through to Heaven.
When a dead President wanders around Washington D.C. blowing out his own eternal flame as a gag, anything is possible.
And so, with that in mind, apparently Glen Beck is on his way out.
Beck is the born again Mormon, recovering alcoholic, and hemorrhoid sufferer who went from having a one off on CNN to becoming Rush Limbaugh's heir apparent - all in time for Health Care Reform.
You could almost graph the beginning, peak, and end of Obamacare using Glen Beck's rise to fame.
And now Health Care Reform and Glen Beck are gone.
Sure, some might say there was an impressive attack on Beck's advertisers that led to his downfall. But if you buy that, tell me how the Iraq War, Patriot Act, and 2000 election weren't quickly solved by the ferocious heart of the Johnny Letters of the liberal left.
No, Beck was a patsy who aped whatever the insurance companies told him to. And when Health Care Reform was done, it was time to get rid of Glen Beck.
"Folks, put the shotguns away. Settle all bets. This minor scare is over. Long live Aetna!"
But hell, with doctors like Jackson's, who wants health care? I mean, this guy must have been THE best to be tucked away in Neverland seeping heroin into the late, dead King of Pop.
But maybe that's for the best. You do your time on this planet and you get rewarded with a sweet, quick death at the hands of your very own personal assistant.
Somethings never change. A Big Mac will always taste like a Big Mac, no matter how much you want it to taste like food. At least once a month you'll have to apologize to someone for parking in their living room. And, you can sure as hell count on being haunted by dead relatives that want to remind you to play it safe.
Teddy did. Drunks are known for losing their temper and if Teddy had any firm beliefs in toppling fascist America, he was either pulling a Dean Martin and faking it this whole time, or he had his brother in his ear whispering "Back blacks, Israel, and Choice – the safest liberal turf."
Hell, the only ballsy one was Bobby who fought for Civil Rights when it wasn't the cool hip hop thing to do.
Now they're talking of Camelot being pinned to Obama, seeing how the last Kennedy's are married to Republicans, recovering junkies, or dead in an ocean.
I think if I was the first black President of the United States, the last thing I would want pinned on me is a legacy of getting assassinated and running prohibited intoxicants across borders.
I will predict Obama is done. Health Care Reform didn't destroy Clinton, but it will Obama, because there is the slimmest of chances that he meant it.
Obama has been a failure to FORREALZ Progressives ever since he was inaugurated, but some of us are still hoping he has a little Carter in him and maybe it's his handlers and not his own political greed that's driving him to all these Bushalike decisions.
But I'm not one of those people.
Pretty soon being outside of your home will be illegal after dark and there'll be another Obama-like candidate that will fight for our right to remain outdoors after dusk and they'll hire another Glen Beck to call walking outside after dusk
Socialism
Communism
Terrorism
And that battle will be lost, and this great land will just assume that there's something evil about the dark and those that opt for walking in it must be rotten in the heart.
And Health Care? That will be up there with sodomizing kittens.
Twenty years ago a kid could bring Tylenol to school for a headache and now they get expelled.
It's all for the good of the country, or rather, for those that own the country.
Why do you think Bush was so into ownership? Of course it looked good to him, his people had made great strides in happiness through ownership.
But Bush is just another ghost now. He might still be in Limbo, but his penchant for alcoholism and pretzels tells me he's in hell. Like that Saturday Night Live skit, I can see him staring at a painting of Obama and wondering why the hell he got shat on and everyone seemed to love Obama for doing the same things.
Then, he'll remember the armed retarded cowboys at so-called Town Halls and sigh in relief.
The last thing this country wants is relief. There isn't an American out there that can't make it through life without the excitement of utter hatred for his fellow man.
So it went with slavery, so it went with Communism, Islam, Gays, you name it.
This country needs a good fight and we haven't had one since Afghanistan, and everyone knows that war ended after the first two months in 2001.
Ted Kennedy wasn't one to pick fights, but he was a drunk. That should be the definition of today's Democrat.
The Republicans keep throwing evil at us and the Democrats simply say "That's not very nice."
So, Teddy's probably up there drinking with Michael Jackson; the King of Pop drunk to the gills on some foo foo drink like a Bellini, while Teddy knocks back the most Irish of Whiskey and they talk about old times.
Like deals with dead Presidents, like how to fake you care, and how to Moonwalk all over the nation while no one has any idea if you are in motion or just standing there stump drunk passing more legislation on how to legislate.
And if this is all rather hamfisted and meandering, keep in mind that I just had a Big Mac and it not only didn't taste like food, it left me with a gorgeous stomach ache that's blossomed in my head and is now writing about dead Presidents, Pop Stars, and Public Options.
R.E.
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