I Want to Make Love to Your Donkey

As many of you may know, the holidays are upon us.

Yes, that one day when you eat turkey and get drunk and…THANKSGIVING! Yes, that day is over now and now it's time for the Holiday season.

No matter what holiday you're celebrating I hope that you will join with me in expelling all religious meaning and begin concentrating on the gifts and the booze.

Back when Jesus was born or died or whatever he did, and when Kwanzaa was…um….sent into exile, and Hannaukah was resurrected, and some Hindu thing, and that one thing with the Muslims and the Shriners – well, you get my point: back when these holidays began all the cavemen could think about was buying bone toys and shell clothing for their loved ones. And, of course, to top it off ,they got drunk on dinosaur wine.

You see, back in Christ's, Moses', Muhhamed's, and Charlie Brown's day there weren't shopping malls and breweries and stuff like that. No, back then you spent your money on what was available: the delicious ambrosia of distilled monkey blood and the never ending gaming action of flying kites made out of pterodactyls.

See, back then, people like Moses rode on large dinosaurs and scoured the land for new ways to get drunk and/or high. In fact, it was Jesus Christ who first smoked a blunt made from the delicious coca leaves of St. Miguel.

But, much like our day and age there were plenty of McDonalds restaurants around. Which brings me to the delicious feast of Ramadan. This holiday is celebrated 4 to 6 PM every night at Applebees and has been a Muslim tradition since elephants had feathers. In the tradition of Ramadan, the family fasts until 4 PM and then dines on the most delicious appetizers made by mankind and Martians. For, you see, it was the Martians that had the galactic technology to build Applebees franchises in the year 1414 BC. So, you see why everyone made a holiday out of the event. So, the next time you greet your Muslim brother or sister, you let them know that you understand their faith and why they find paying full price for mozzarella sticks insulting.
On to the Christians. Christmas is a celebration of lights, in which a candle is lit for every day in December. The candles are made from rhinoceroses in celebration of what Christ used to drive back in the day before cars and stuff. Every December Christ would ride into town on a rhinoceros and throw olives and mushrooms at people. That is why a traditional Christmas dinner is usually pizza. Later in the month, it's the 25th of Christmas and then you blow out all of the candles and square dance for a while. This is probably because Christ was born on the 25th and he was totally a hick. Anyway, make sure and tell your Christian brothers and sisters "Happy Christmas, you rhinoceros candle!"

What's left – oh yes! The Hindus. Hindus celebrate the glorious holiday of Thanksgiving on December 19th.

No one knows why.

On to the Jews. The Jews celebrate Hanukah, which is a celebration of Pat Benatar, the glorious singer/songwriter who wrote the Twelve Days of Chanukah using only a ukulele and a xylophone. The Jewish faith believes that musical prowess is a gift from God and that it should be celebrated with loud flatulence and loud hooting noises. If you run into any of your Jewish brothers and sisters, fart loudly and exclaim "Happy Hanukah!"

Scientology! Scientologists are fucking nuts and you should probably stay away from them during the holidays. They make meat armor and ride through the streets pouring gravy on children, for which they intend to eat. If you run into a Scientologist get out of the way.

Mormons! Mormons are much like Hindus, but instead of celebrating Thanksgiving on December 19th, they celebrate the Jewish holiday Hanukah. See above Jewish holiday.

Republicans are a new religion and have come up with the best holiday I can think of. In fact, I decided to become a Republican this year just so I could celebrate. During the 20th through the 30th Republicans shoot heroin in their toes and walk the streets like zombies looking for more heroin. Please don't confuse this with Thanksgiving.

Democrats, in an attempt to get back at the Republicans and their dirty heroin holiday, have also come up with a holiday. In it, each and every Democrat smokes crack and votes Republican. Unlike most of the other holidays, this one occurs the second Tuesday of November.

Well, that's it for now. Please tell me about your personal holiday and I'll be sure to post it on this site.

One thing that we can all agree on is that the holidays are about getting drunk, fasting, eating, and shooting heroin…together. Be they Jew, Muslim, or Catholic, we know that they are our brothers and sisters and if we go to war against the evil Scientologists, they have our backs.

Peace,

Matthew J.C. Eckert



P.S. If any of this offended you, please realize that I am a seventh incarnation of the God Jezeusosmuhhbrahudda and I will strike you down with my ninja gaiden star.